Private

I think about how open I have allowed my life to become with this blog and how violated I feel everytime I receive a random comment or spam message through my email. I don't like it, it makes me feel weird.

I've decided to make Lily's blog private. I know I'm going to lose readers which makes me sad but I think making my blog private will actually allow me to share more. I worry about people in real life reading this blog and sometimes hold back. This will give me the opportunity to be 100% honest. There is more to me than what I've share so far, hard to believe, huh?

I'm going to leave things public for a few days but if you would like to continue following then please send me an email to lilysmommy8308@yahoo.com

xoxo,
Jen, Lily's mommy

One more thanks!

Last but certainly not least, is a pic from Trennia! Sister, I'm sorry that I didn't include this in the first post but it was in my other email and I have to write posts so quickly these days (due to a very mobile Cooper!) that it somehow didn't make the first post...

Thanks so much! xoxo!

Birthday thanks!

I've been so blessed to "meet" some remarkable women since losing Lily and have considered these friends to be my silver lining in my post-Lily life. Yes, people that you've never met in real-life can be "friends" and actually, I go to some of these women with issues before I go to friends that I have in real-life.

Some of these friends took time to remember Lily on her birthday in the way of pics with her name or lighting a candle. My heart became so happy with each new pic. Thank you for remembering her with me.

Hollie (Cameron's mommy)

Christy (Leila's mommy)

Bree (Ella's mommy)

Holly (Jordan and Carleigh's mommy)

Nichole (Lily's mommy)

Maggie (Alexandra's mommy)

Emalee (Kenner's mommy)

Prayers

I made a friend with a December 2009 momma when she lost her second baby, Lainey, at 23 weeks last October. We hooked up on face.book and we actually only live about 40 minutes from each other. She got pregnant with her rainbow baby earlier this year and was due in October. She found out yesterday, at 31 weeks, that the baby's heartbeat had stopped. Two babies in Heaven. I haven't been able to stop thinking of her. She went to the hospital to be induced to meet her precious baby that's been nicknamed squishy baby because she doesn't know the sex yet. She wanted to save that surprise for their birthday and I'm sure this wasn't the birthday that she wanted for this precious baby...

Can you please lift her and her family up in prayer today and for the days to come...No mother should lose one baby and losing 2 just beyond tragic.

Words from a BLD

My hubby wrote this poem for Lily's 3rd birthday. He's such a strong man but I know that he carries a lot of hurt still. When I asked him if I could share this poem on my blog he said "it's probably too depressing for people". My response "your baby dying is depressing and everyone in the babyloss world understands...."

My pain

Three years have past since I touched your skin
In my heart it feels like a day
A different man now lives in this body of mine
A broken creature who holds the same name

For me there is no bright side to see
No silver lining within this dark cloud
Some look skyward and force smiles from pain
But my soul shrieks screams that are loud

I have tried to find some peace since you left
I have tried thinking of the grander plan
But none of those thoughts have a chance to replace
Dreams of my smiling girl holding my hand

Eternity in heaven will be great someday
Being with you should put pain in the past
That future should make me forget these years that we lost
But my focus on the present continues to last

I can’t not let go of the anger I face
Each morning as I welcome the day
I’ve been robbed of the very most precious of gifts
And I can’t wipe my need for vengeance away

I am sorry that I can’t heal the way I should
I want you here so much it hurts
But no matter how nicely I spin this disaster
My upward looking turns downward to the dirt

After all this time my wound is fresh as new
My life that remains is often hard to manage
Some would think that a wall wouldn’t miss one small brick

But when mine fell I could not control the damage

Lily's balloons

This is just a quick video of our balloon release from yesterday. I do have the pics of the balloons for those that wanted their baby's name on the balloon and I will post those soon!

Pics of Lily's 3rd birthday!

I so wanted yesterday to be a day of love and celebration and not a day of mourning. I think we succeded in having a day full of remembrance and very minimal tears!

We started our day with butterfly shaped blueberry pancakes!

The message on the inside of the box lids. This was my last touch to make the boxes perfect!

The boxes and Lilybear. LB was part of our memory box when we left the hospital without Lily. She still sleeps in the bed with us.

My rainbow and me with the balloons that we sent to Lily for her birthday~

Lily's little brother and daddy :)

What my daughter's death has taught me...

1. God always loves you. I now know that her death wasn't meant as a punishment. In the first few weeks and months, I was pretty sure that He allowed her death because of my really rawdy and raunchy college days (hey, I went to UGA!). I now this isn't the case. How do I know? Because I know a man named Jesus. I'm confident in His promise.

2. Sometimes life is just unfair. Crappy things happen to good people all the time. Yes, your child dying exceeds the definition of crappy but you get me. And, yes, I'm totally defining myself and my hubby as good people because we are...

3. Life is precious. Every single heartbeat and breath is a miracle. Another day to be YOU. There is only one YOU. That's why I miss Lily still to this day. There can never or will ever be another HER.

4. This is how love should be:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4"

This is the love that I have for her every.single.day. Yes, I love my hubby, I have since our second date! True story! And, my love for him also fits this description but I don't think I truly acknowledge this true and perfect love until I lost her.

5. Years take away the sting but they don't take away all the pain. I don't cry every day, heck sometimes, I go months now without crying BUT I miss her everyday.

6. Live your life with purpose. I want to make her proud. I will never allow her to fade into the background so everyday I will strive to be the best me. Whether that best me is moody one day and super sweet the next day, I will always be there for others.

7. It's the little things in life that people notice. I will always say "please" and "thank you" to others. I will always hold the door open for the person leaving the store at the same time as me. I will always say "bless you" even to a stranger that sneezes. I will occasionally (hey, I do have a budget, lol) buy the coffee for the person behind me in the Star.buck's drive thru. I will tell my hubby and child that I love them every.single.day. I will play with Cooper even though I'd rather sit on the couch. I will kiss his cheeks as many times a day as possible. I will sweep the floor everyday because I know it makes my hubby happy. I'll never let the sheets go a week without being washed because I know my hubby loves to sleep in a clean bed.

8. To always, always love life. Don't ever take it for granted.


Dear Lily,

Happy birthday! I LOVE you!!!! Watch for your balloons today!

I can't wait to give you hugs and kisses one day, sweet girl..

Mommy

One last day

Tomorrow, I will have to officially say that Lily has been gone for 3 years. Wow.

The Jen of August 2, 2008 wouldn't even know who she was looking at now. How much stronger and weaker that I can be all at the same time. My faith in God unshakeable on August 2, 2008 despite 18 months of trying to conceive. Her death rocked that faith to it's foundation. Most days, my faith is solid but other days, I still question. The Jen of August 2, 2008 would've never done that. Maybe, the Jen of August 2, 2008 took things for granted and was naive because "bad" things like losing a baby never happen to loving, God-fearing people. They do everyday.

Tomorrow, I'll wake up and time will still be moving. But, tomorrow will all be about HER and what she's taught me...Tomorrow, I won't wonder what 3 years and one day will feel like.

I love you, sweet baby. Forever.

Treasures

I keep the box of Lily's things from the hospital in our fireproof safe and I don't really get them out very often. I think it's been a little over a year since the last time that I took them out. I felt an overwhelming urge to get the box and her little dresses, hats and blankets out and touch them over the weekend.

As pissed as I still am at my ex-ob-gyn and her lack of skill (just my opinion!), I will say that the hospital staff was very loving and gentle with her. They brought Lily to my hubby in an adorable little dress with pink and blue hands on it, a tiny pink knit hat and a beautiful pink knit blanket. I didn't get to see her until late the next day so when they brought her to me, she was wearing a white dress with a cross stitched on the front, a purple hat and a purple knit blanket. We've got all the dresses, hats and blankets in Zip.loc bags. There are still blood stains on these dresses. I didn't care and proceeded to press them into my face and take a deep breath in. These dresses physically touched her. They laid on her perfect, tiny body.

They also did 3 sets of foot prints for us which have just been sitting in the box. I scanned one last night so that I could show people her tiny and perfect feet! I've also decided to have a tattoo made of them, as well <3

There were a few tears but overall, I'm just so relieved and happy to have these items. They're my treasures...