The baby edition in People magazine would've made me pop a xanax in 2008. It same edition became bearable in 2009 because I was pregnant with our rainbow baby but couldn't really enjoy seeing babies with the fear that something would happen to this one, too. I opened the baby edition this year with a subtle excitement to see other smiling babies and to ooh/aah over the things that I'll never be able to afford to give to Cooper. I wasn't anxious or sad...I was oddly "normal" as I flipped throught the magazine over the weekend.
My heart will never be quite the same but I do feel it easier to be happy. I miss her and love her but these feelings no longer paralyze me. These feelings used to be so overpowering that I couldn't think straight. I don't feel guilty about this tide of change in my heart. I know this is what she wants...in my core, I know she knows that I think of her everyday with a sweet love that only a mommy can give...I don't feel tortured by this love anymore. That sounds so harsh but I used to be angry at having all this love for her in me and not being able to show her this love. I now know that living my life in a strong and proud way is showing her my love. I now know that not allowing her death to kill me is the way that she would want me to live the rest of my life.
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6 comments:
Lily will always know the unconditional love you feel for her no matter what do you in life. Very proud of you, little by little I am starting to feel this way. ((HUGS))
Oh Jen. This is a perfect post. I see some of the same things taking place in my heart.I feel so encouraged reading what you write here because I know I won't feel the "torture of loving her" (the way I sometimes still do) forever.
This sentence in particular truly resonates with me, as I've thought the same about Maddie:
"I now know that not allowing her death to kill me is the way that she would want me to live the rest of my life."
That's so beautiful and poignant, Jen, and honors her life AND her memory. Hugs to you.
Beautifully said. ((hugs))
Jen, your words are beautiful. Lily would want you to be happy. Its so hard to get to that point, but you are getting there. *hugs*
I'm so glad that you're seeing these signs that your heart is healing, Jen. I am seeing this too, but it still seems sort of like a give and take right now, some days are still a lot better than others. It brings so much peace though, knowing that feeling happiness doesn't change or minimize how much we love our girls!!
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