Thursday, August 19, 2010

I will never forget August 3, 2008

We had tried for almost 2 years to get pregnant with her and the day we found out that I was pregnant was the best day of my entire life. We ate at a Thai restaurant the night before taking the hpt and I told my hubby would'nt it be great if I was pregnant right now and on the baby's birth announcements we could write "when man says no, God says yes" We had been told just 2 weeks before that I would never get pregnant on my own. I had my right fallopian tube removed in Feb. 08 and the left one was so badly damaged that the RE said that there would be no way that an embryo would make it out...He doesn't know the God that I serve, does he?

Our pregnancy was picture perfect until the day that she died.

We went had gone to garage sales all morning looking for baby stuff. We had lunch at Little Azio's and had gone home to take a nap. I played on the computer some and the moment that I stood up from my desk is the first time that I noticed the pain. I laid down thinking that I just had gas. I asked my hubby to call my ob-gyn after 15 minutes because I knew that something wasn't right. I felt her kick and flip as my hubby raced to the hospital. They hooked me up to the monitors and I wasn't contracting and Lily was doing beautifully. They said that it must be my appendix and lined me up for surgery.

An hour before I was to go into surgery my blood pressure dropped to 60/40 and all I remember is panadomium. People were everywhere sticking in catheters, putting an oxygen mask on me, and literally squeezing the iv fluids into my veins to get my blood pressure to go up. They brought in the u/s machine to check on Lily and her heartbeat was already in the 90's. Even if they could've gotten her out it was for certain that she would've been braindead. There just wasn't time. I remember looking at my hubby and my doc and saying "please, don't let her die. I can't lose her." I knew by the look on their faces. My hubby got close to my stomach and told her that we loved her and to go to Jesus. He watched her heart stop. No daddy should have to see their princess die and I know he carries that memory with him every day. They say that she died from a complete placenta aburption.

The next 15 hours are too painful to write about today. How do you put into words how it feels to have your dead baby inside of you? How do you put into words the feeling of your world crashing down and knowing that any dayto come will never be the same?

The uterine rupture happened some time that day. I ended up on a ventilator for 2 days. The sweet nurse that pulled the tubes out of my throat said "I'm so sorry. Please, let us know when you're ready to see your daughter and we'll bring her to you." My hubby handed her to me and she was dressed in a white dress with a cross on the front. She had a purple hat on and was wrapped in a purple blanket. She was perfect in every way. I think about the day we "met" all the time...I caressed her cheeks and told her how sorry I was for failing her. I tell her the same things today. I miss her and love her so very much.

I think it's good for me to look back on this day. My heart has gone through so much since then. I didn't know how I was ever going to live without her and then God blessed me with her little brother. He has brought so much joy to us. Cooper has reminded me how much there is still to live for in this world.

Lily made me a mother and Cooper has made me a mommy. The difference is subtle. You become a mother the moment that you have life living inside of you. You become a mommy when you live the day to day trials of watching your heart live outside your body.

Both of my children are my greatest accomplishments. I see little parts of Lily in Cooper. Sometimes, I see her when I look down at him when he's sleeping and I feel God's grace around me at these times.

I know that I'll see her again and my heart takes comfort in our reunion.


Devon said...

wow, such a hard time....i don't think we ever forget the day our life changed forever.....i think of lily often and i'm glad you have cooper to bring your heart some joy...

Lilly's Mom (Desiree) said...

praying for ya!

Rachel said...

remembering Lily today. ((hugs))

Jill said...

I have so many tears reading this. Lily is often on my mind and always in my heart. xx

The Blue Sparrow said...


Holly said...

You won't ever really forget the day your life changed.

Anonymous said...

Jen, my heart breaks everytime I read a piece of Lily's story. I wish you never had to say good bye *hugs* Thinking of Lily with you.