My in-laws have been visiting from Pittsburgh since last Thursday. I'm ready for them to go home...love em' but tomorrow can't come quick enough. The breaking point was this huge fight that went down yesterday between my hubby and his parents. The fight was about a lot of things but brought on more by the hurt that my hubby has been feeling since Lily's death and their reaction the days, weeks, and months after her death. Their reaction was a complete dismissal of Lily's very existence because she wasn't full-term and what they consider a baby. They didn't come down for Lily's memorial...they didn't even send a condolence card...they didn't even call me for those 8 weeks that I was by myself when my hubby had to return to work...
Anytime Lily's name is brought up, they change the subject...the picture of her on the table in the foyer is completely ignored...My hubby tried to show her a picture of Lily about 6 months after she died and she basically told him that she didn't want to see "that...."
The s*@t hit the fan yesterday...I can't even say how it was brought up but my hubby unloaded on them about how hurt he has been by their avoidance of their granddaughter's existence. He let lose on them about how much he loved Lily and how their acting like she wasn't real was damaging their relationship to a point that was almost irreversible...He cried and they cried...The crazy part is is that they lost a baby during childbirth 44 years ago...they should know how it feels but they think we're weird because we faced our grief head on instead of sweeping our loss under the rug. They didn't even give their baby a name...they only visit his grave once a year to make sure that the grass hasn't over grown the tiny plaque that marks his grave...
They apologized but I'm sure they were just apologizing so that we could go on with the rest of their visit...It pisses me off when you have to make people so close to you open their eyes to their insensitivity...I get that from the rest of the world...
Let me go back to the visit now with my fake smile and count down the hours until my hubby takes them back to the airport...
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9 comments:
oh Jen *huge hugs* I don't know your husband and I want to give him a huge hug. I can imagine that pain. that would hurt tremendously. I hope the rest of the visit goes ok.
I am really surprised how they are acting with Lily considering they lost their own child full term.
Jen, I am hurt for you and your husband. In playing devils advocate here (hehe),they do know your pain because they have been through it as well. Back in the day these things were not spoken about and as you said, "pushed under the rug". That is the only way they know how to deal with it, and quite unfairly expect u and Chuck to react the same way. Acknowledging the fact that Lily is your first born and still close to your heart, probably brings up the painful memory of their loss as well. By ignoring Lily, they are ignoring the pain that they have already buried.
I have always said we have to keep our babies memories alive, even if others want to push that memory aside. Keep talking about her! In time (hopefully) they will see how important her memory is and love and acknowledge her as much as we all do.
I am glad that hubby was able to speak to them and let them know how important lily is to the both of you.
Thinking about you, hubby, Lily, and Cooper. {hugs}.
I am so sorry Jen. I cannot imagine how hard that must be for you and your husband. Sending you lots of HUGS!
Jen, I'm so sorry to hear about that! I wish I could fix it all. Thinking of you and your husband. (((HUGS)))
Woe....I'm so sorry Jen, how can people be so mean?!
Lily is just as important and beautiful as any baby that is alive!
Sorry Jen...that this happened to you.
How awful! I am so sorry!
My hubby's parents refer to my Lilly as "your last miscarriage..." and that stings. Thankfully my parents don't. The sad thing is that my parents get it. I was a twin. My twin sister died two days after we were born. My parents let me know I was a twin, and whenever I asked questions, they always answered them. But it wasn't until I lost my Lilly that my mom completely opened up with me. It is a bittersweet bond we have. Lilly is actually named after my twin sister.
I hope your in-laws have a nice flight, and that they don't visit for a while!
Lily and Cooper are lucky to have such a great daddy!
Awe, I am sure that was a horrible day for you! I hope at least that your husband and you get to feel better about telling them and letting them know how you feel.
Hugs.
oh Jen, i am so sorry. it's just awful and i know how much that hurts. none of my family really acknowledges Leila and it makes it so much harder to cope. why is it that it's the ones closest to us that seem so far away when we are grieving? it doesn't make any sense at all....
sending love,
christy
I remember reading about these people before. I'm sorry you had to deal with more of their ignorance, but I'm so glad your hubby stood up to them. I hope it really did open their eyes and that they actually thought about how NOT supportive they have been.
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