Cooper and I had a first trip to the grocery store today...he was all bundled up in his sling looking all cozy and stuff...
While in line the lady in front of me commented on the cover of St.ar magazine that has the very touched up photo of Octomom in a bikini...so, the lady and I were just joking away and without even thinking I said "yeah, I only have one baby and my body looks frightening!"...
The guilt panged my heart as soon as the words left my lips...I have two babies...I have the c-section scar to prove her existence...I think that I've become so accustomed to giving the politically correct answer to avoid the awkward pity look that the words just rolled right out of my mouth as if they were natural to me...
It makes me feel horrible...
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My daughter, Lily, was stillborn at 23 weeks on August 3, 2008. Her blog has been my safe haven to work through all of my grief but now I want it to be a place of hope. Lily's House of Hope is a pic (for babyloss parents) of your baby's name somewhere in Lily's house. You can make your requests to lilysmommy8308@yahoo.com
10 comments:
It happens to all of us. I dont have a second baby, but my politically correct response a lot of the time depending on my situation is that I dont have any kids. Its not like in my first day of class in college I want to explain the death of my daughter. Its painful, but sometimes you have to do it just to get through...and not make every interaction with a stranger an entire, personal, conversation.
I know it is hard to not feel guilty or bad for saying that. Sometimes it just comes out that way and I think we do it to protect ourselves and to not make others feel uncomfortable or awkward around us.
xx
It's terrible that we have to feel guilty for things like this. Why do we want to lessen the awkwardness for other people? It doesn't seem fair. But I know if someone asked me if I have any children now, I would probably say 'no' just because it's easier. (((HUGS)))
Oh Jen Jen,
Its okay sweetie sometimes it goes that away for me to.Our babies know we love them...sometimes when we say things like that maybe it's God keeping our mouth shut for a reason I don't know,but I know you love your Lily as I love my sweet Hunter,Heather and Emily.
(((HUGS)))
I don't know what else to say but I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Don't beat yourself up about it. I know that guilty feeling, but don't let it bring you down. Half the time when people ask me if Gwen is my first I answer yes, because in that instance it is easier. The other half the time I say no. And then I feel bad for being such a downer with my sad story. Yuck.
:( Everything feels so wrong. Thinking of Lily today.
Aw, don't feel bad. I do the same all the time. I feel bad, I do, but it's just so much easier most of the time.
I do change my answer depending on the people and circumstances, though, and it's always interesting to realize that someone's around who heard the other response :) Neither answer feels quite right.
It is so hard. It isn't that we have forgotten about the babies we have lost, but if you mention your lossed to strangers, it opens up the wound again. I am sorry for your guilt.
I think we all give the politically correct response to avoid an awkward moment. I can understand that guilt *hugs*, but I truly believe that our babies know that just because we don't tell total strangers about them means we don't love them any less.
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