Octomom

Cooper and I had a first trip to the grocery store today...he was all bundled up in his sling looking all cozy and stuff...

While in line the lady in front of me commented on the cover of St.ar magazine that has the very touched up photo of Octomom in a bikini...so, the lady and I were just joking away and without even thinking I said "yeah, I only have one baby and my body looks frightening!"...

The guilt panged my heart as soon as the words left my lips...I have two babies...I have the c-section scar to prove her existence...I think that I've become so accustomed to giving the politically correct answer to avoid the awkward pity look that the words just rolled right out of my mouth as if they were natural to me...

It makes me feel horrible...

Hit 9 to save message...

Every 60 days I get reminded by my cellphone of all the saved messages and if they should be deleted or resaved...I was left a message by my RE on March 26th, 2008 to confirm that I was pregnant...ahh, the relief that flowed through me the day that I received that message...

Now, it stabs me in the heart...but, I can't erase it either...I know her exact words..."Jennifer, this is Yolanda, from Dr. P_'s office calling to confirm that you are indeed pregnant. The test shows that this is a very early pregnancy...."

My finger scoots over to 7 which would erase the message but quickly realizes the pain that would surface and goes back to 9 to resave the message...

My heart knows that in 60 days I will have to listen to this message again...and, chances are I will hit 9 again...and again...

The No Heartbeat Act

I was watching Law and Order SVU the other day and there were two back to back episodes about woman killing their babies but the whole cases revolved around if the babies were stillborn or not...Of course, the show is set in New York so it got me thinking about what the laws in Georgia say about stillbirths...

Low and behold, I come across the No Heartbeat Act that was signed into law on May 29, 2008. Maybe this made the news when it was signed but I was still a happy-go-lucky pregnant girl on that day and foolishly wouldn't have paid attention to such a sad thing (which is what pisses me off about people now but I used to be one!). The No Heartbeat Act would provide a certificate of birth resulting in stillbirth (CBRS) to families that have suffered a stillbirth. The next two paragraphs were taken from the Share Atlanta website:

The Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth: The Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth (CBRS) is a memorial document that families who have experienced a stillborn child can request. It recognizes the birth of their baby separate from their baby’s death. It provides a lasting document for recognition of a baby born still. This document is for comfort, closure and healing for the family.

This law was passed because the process and cost of pregnancy, labor and birth for a live born or stillborn baby are identical. This law offers compassion and support to parents who endure the death and birth of their baby by recognizing the birth event regardless of outcome.

According to the research that I've done since stumbling on this law was that part of this law is that its the hospital's responsiblity to inform all affected families of this law so that they can obtain this certificate...Guess what, I wasn't told so it makes me wonder how many other heartbroken mommies out there don't know if their state provides this certificate. 21 states provide this certificates to families with stillborn babies.

I called the hospital this morning to make sure that a Fetal Death Certificate was filled so that I could contact Georgia's Vital Records department because one MUST be submitted by the delivering hospital for a family to obtain a CBRS. Luckily, one was filed and the forms to obtain a CBRS are on there way...So, to go from not having any paper from the state recognizing my baby to have forms on the way is a bittersweet moment...

A wonderful daddy~

My in-laws have been visiting from Pittsburgh since last Thursday. I'm ready for them to go home...love em' but tomorrow can't come quick enough. The breaking point was this huge fight that went down yesterday between my hubby and his parents. The fight was about a lot of things but brought on more by the hurt that my hubby has been feeling since Lily's death and their reaction the days, weeks, and months after her death. Their reaction was a complete dismissal of Lily's very existence because she wasn't full-term and what they consider a baby. They didn't come down for Lily's memorial...they didn't even send a condolence card...they didn't even call me for those 8 weeks that I was by myself when my hubby had to return to work...

Anytime Lily's name is brought up, they change the subject...the picture of her on the table in the foyer is completely ignored...My hubby tried to show her a picture of Lily about 6 months after she died and she basically told him that she didn't want to see "that...."

The s*@t hit the fan yesterday...I can't even say how it was brought up but my hubby unloaded on them about how hurt he has been by their avoidance of their granddaughter's existence. He let lose on them about how much he loved Lily and how their acting like she wasn't real was damaging their relationship to a point that was almost irreversible...He cried and they cried...The crazy part is is that they lost a baby during childbirth 44 years ago...they should know how it feels but they think we're weird because we faced our grief head on instead of sweeping our loss under the rug. They didn't even give their baby a name...they only visit his grave once a year to make sure that the grass hasn't over grown the tiny plaque that marks his grave...

They apologized but I'm sure they were just apologizing so that we could go on with the rest of their visit...It pisses me off when you have to make people so close to you open their eyes to their insensitivity...I get that from the rest of the world...

Let me go back to the visit now with my fake smile and count down the hours until my hubby takes them back to the airport...

Lily's things...

The act of taking one nursery down to prepare for another baby is an act that no parent should ever have to do...I think back to the day that I found out that our second pregnancy was a boy. I had been so torn when I had found out that I was pregnant again about how I would feel if the baby were a girl. Parts of me desperately wanted a girl for the sole purpose of not having to take down Lily's nursery. We had just started really working on it the week before Lily died. My hubby and I had taken a week long staycation just to work on the nursery. My hubby put up chair railing and had painted the chocolate brown onto the walls. The nursery bedding that I had searched for on the internet for hours had arrived. We bought and decorated the letters to spell out her name for above the crib...a week later she would be gone and all this work would be for naught...

My hubby came home from the hospital and put blankets on everything in the nursery and hid everything to remind me of being pregnant before I came home. I avoided her nursery for weeks but slowly began to allow myself to touch her things. I would pick up certain clothing and press them against my abdomen as if they could put her back in my belly again.

I spend so much time in this nursery now but it's not her's anymore. It belongs to her brother now. Packing up her things~ her bedding, toys, and clothes into plastic containers was so painful. Those containers now sit in the nursery closet...one day I will pull them out again and touch them and I know I will cry tears for the items that never had a chance to be used by their owner. I'm not strong enough for that yet, though...one day...just not now...

It doesn't wash away everything...

This bottle of pink soap is all that remains in what was Lily's nursery...I spent so much time trying to find just the right shade of pink to go with the pink and brown theme of her room and the bathroom. I remember walking down the soap aisle with said soap in hand and feeling triumphant! I did it...now everything is perfect!

Ahhh...blissful ignorance :(

I am reminded of my naivety everytime I use this soap. The tangy grapefruit scent and the pink color (that no longer goes with the decor) is a reminder of how carefree life was before we lost our sweet girl...

Now, I panic when I think of when all the soap is used as if an era will be gone. I wonder if I will be viewed as some crazy pack rat if I put the bottle in a tupper.ware container and keep it for the rest of my life. I know its irrational to put so much thought into a bottle of handsoap...

So, I saw this on Bree's blog and just loved the whole concept of finding out who is reading my blogs :) I have some lovely followers that don't leave many comments but I'm sure there are jumpers out there that make their way over here from time to time, too. I would love to get to know more of you and find some new blogs to read as well.

It takes just a second to say "hi!"

Everything I own...

I was out shopping today while daddy and Cooper spent sometime together and was listening to my Bread cd. I've heard "Everything I own" so many times over the years as it was my parent's "song." I was just signing along and the chorus just sounded so different to me and before I knew it I had tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat...Here is the chorus if you don't know the song:

I would give anything I own
Give up my life, my heart, my home
I would give ev'rything I own
Just to have you back again

Doesn't every babyloss momma feel these words? There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think to myself about how I would do anything (excluding selling my soul to Satan or something along those lines...sounds random, I know) to have her back, not just for a day but to have her really back everyday with me.

I have no bargaining chip in this game and God chose for some reason that Lily wasn't made for this world. But, it should be said outloud that I would give up anything to have her here with me...He could have her after I've spent my life with her...