I am making myself neurotic...already...

So, I have pulled out my trusty copy of the holy grail of pregnancy books What to expect when you're expecting. I find myself skimming the glossary to find all of the bad things that can happen in early pregnancy so that I can remind myself of all the bad things that can happen in the first trimester, and so I can recognize any symptoms immediately. My new obsession is blighted ovum, or as I just learned from bbc, an early pregnancy failure. Seriously, tomorrow will be one week from the BFP and its just so difficult to relax. If we do the c-section at 37 weeks then I have 32 more weeks of complete and total paranoia.

May 11th cannot come fast enough...I desperately need to see a heartbeat that day so that my stress level can come down a notch.

March of Dimes Walk

The March of Dimes walk was on Saturday and I didn't die~ as was my previous prediction due to my lack of activity in, well, forever.

My family got into town on Friday night and we ordered pizza and played boardgames. It was great because it reminded me of when I was a kid, all except my sister having one, two (or so) glasses of wine :) I love you, Aimee!!! We woke up early and met some of my friends from work at Marta. Some of my friends from work had never ridden on Marta even though all of them having been living in Atlanta for years~ so, new experiences were had! We got to the walk in our matching Team Lily Angeline t-shirts and was overwhelmed to see how many people were there....literally, thousands upon thousands. At one point there was a t-shirt contest and my sister-in-law got on stage to showcase our t-shirt and I started to cry when the announcer said Lily's name over the soundsystem. It was an emotional experience because there were other parents at the walk and one t-shirt in particular said that they walk for the daughter that lives in heaven and it gave the dates of her birth and death. One little boy was wearing a t-shirt that said "I'm a big brother but my sister lives in heaven." It was surreal to see how many families are affected with premature births, and infant death.

We did the 3.9 mile walk (thank God it wasn't the 5.2 miles that was posted on the website!), and I did blame the baby for needing even more breaks than I had originally attended to take...but, I couldn't help but sigh and say a silent prayer that we won't be doing this walk next year for two babies. It was a beautiful day and I felt extremely blessed to be surronded and supported by my wonderful friends and family. These are the same people that loved Lily while she was here on earth, and continue to love her even after death.

So, here are some photos of the walk~

A pic of me before the walk~ can you see Lily's tiny hat on my t-shirt?
Just a few of all the people ahead of us in the walk!

The drum line that led the family teams to the start line of the walk...

All 14 (15 if you include new little bean) members of Team Lily Angeline~

Still in shock? I am!

I laughed so hard as I read all of your comments on my last surprising post~ I pretty much said the same things, from Holy crap to you have got to be kidding me...

We weren't planning on trying until June when we were in Scotland, but this little bean evidently wanted to be there too and not just a souvenir! Seriously, it took us nearly 2 years to get pregnant with Lily....a surprise pregnancy, me? Every month with trying to get pregnant with Lily was timing out the days, having sex, putting my feet in the air, not moving for like 2o minutes to give the swimmers some time to get on their journey. This one...nothing. Yep, good times were had then went straight back to enjoying a Saturday afternoon.

I called my ob-gyn and told them that I was pregnant...an hour later, the doctor HIMSELF called to congratulate me. One point for Mr. Second Opinion doctor! My first appointment is on May 11th, so that we can do an u/s and (please, God!) see a heartbeat. My left tube is kind of rough terrain, so first things first, is making sure that the baby is in my uterus. He has already told me that we will do a c-section at week 37 (if not a little before depending on how my uterus is holding up), which will put this baby coming right about Dec. 3rd...Lily's estimated due date from last year. My ob-gyn was telling me that although I'm a difficult case, that he has seen worse. Which, as crappy as this sounds, makes me feel better. He was telling me on the phone the other day that he has done c-sections before where the uterus was so thin that he could see the baby through the uterine wall. I feel so blessed to have this doctor, and my trust doesn't come easily anymore.

Anyways, the news is still sinking in, and I'm causiously excited...I've only told a handful of people IRL about the new baby. I have a few people in my life that were against me getting pregnant again, so those people will be told after the first appointment. My whole family was here last night, so we did tell my family and they are over the moon excited. My mom was crying because she was so happy! We're all aware of the risks involved with this pregnancy, but I will be getting the best care available and will be closely monitored...so, I plan on enjoying this pregnancy and taking good care of myself and our new little family member~

We're tring to come up with a clever nickname for the baby instead of just saying "the baby" over and over again. Any suggestions?

Let's hear it for the left tube!!!

I AM PREGNANT. I'm in absolute awe right now because we were not even trying. I've felt a little wierd for the last couple of days, so I decided to go ahead and take a test. The first one was one of the first response with the two lines, and the second one was a clearblue digital and they both say PREGNANT.

I'm trying to be very calm right now, because mixed with the joy is some fear...but, I'm just so darn proud of that left fallopian tube!

5.2 miles...heaven help me!

So, the March for Babies walk is this Saturday and I sure wish I had been practicing the 5.2 miles for this walk, because I may very well be the walk's first casuality. Exercising, sadly, is not my bag.

My entire family is walking in Lily's memory, so they are coming into town on Friday and staying the night. So, I'm trying to tidy up the house and finish up the last details for Saturday. There are 13 members on Lily's team, so I have to coordinate on how all of us will find each other at the walk. Everyone on Lily's team is wearing the same t-shirt that I had made special for the event, so they should be easy to spot.

I'm really geared up and looking forward to this event. In some small way, I finally feel as if I'm doing something motherly for my baby. I don't get the chance often to do something to publicly honor her and her short life. And, I know that I will do this walk every year forward...for her, and for all her little playmates in heaven.

PRAYER NEEDED

Please, head over to www.angel-skye-orner.blogspot.com and join in on the prayer request needed for this family. Many of you know Erica and how loving and supportive that she is to many of us everyday and now she needs all of us in dbml to join together and pray for the little one growing inside of her.

Please, pass on this prayer request to your church, neighbors, family, and friends...and, I just know that we will see a miracle with baby orner...

Scared...

I had a dream last night that I was 25 weeks pregnant and was out shopping with my mom and sister, and my water breaks. I remember crying in my dream and telling my sister to hurry up and call Chuck. I'm crying and saying over and over again "I'm going to lose another baby..."

I guess these fears are starting to fester as our start date of TTC again approaches. The pain of losing Lily has been tremendous and I do fear of something happening again. I don't know how I could piece my heart together again if something else were to happen. Unfornately, we in dbm land know that multiple losses do happen...

I know I can't allow fear to keep us from achieving our goals of having a child in our home, but there isn't anyway of keeping the fear away either...

Should there be an end...until there's a new beginning?

I read another dbms blog a few months back and she asked herself a very poignant question in regards to how long a blog about her grieving process over the loss of her daughter could actually go on. I often find that very question going through my mind these days. I have found wonderful and loving support in the blogging land. I have found women in this blogging venture that I love and am thankful for everyday. At some point though, life does move on, but my life is at a standstill. I have learned things in the last 8 1/2 months that I never wanted to know, and have be ruminating on these lessons day in and day out. I continue to feel the same ache, although lessening, but don't know any other way that I can continue to articulate where I am in life in a different form that I haven't already. I wrote a post a few weeks back about the middle of the road and I guess that is where I am. My life continues to be one that feels surreal and dimmer since I lost Lily. How could one little life change every fiber of my own irrevocably? But, she has and there is nothing that can be done.

I plan to continue blogging as the urge pushes, because I feel so connected to all of you now...and, probably will blog more again as a new door opens for me and my family. I feel wordless on how to articulate this road that we're on...but, will update all of you once we are on a new one...

Another memory

April 17th was such a miraculous day for my hubby and me...The memory should start out about a month earlier when the doctor gave me the news about my one remaining fallopian tube. Basically, losing all the technical terms, he said that my tube, well, sucked to be quite honest. He stated that there was so much scar tissue in there that nothing would ever make it down there. On the chance that we did get pregnant naturally that it was almost a guarntee that it would be an ectopic pregnancy. So, imagine my surprise to find out that I was indeed pregnant on March 26 and then that it was all a waiting game until either my ectopic pregnancy started to show itself or we saw a beautiful little embryo on April 17th. I remember tears springing to my eyes as what we saw was nothing other than a beautiful embryo exactly where they should be....with a little heartbeat flickering away. Her conception has been nothing but a miracle to me.

Please, pray that my faithful, hardworking left fallopian tube is able to pull this off again.

Quick update...

I did make a card for the girl at work who had the miscarriage, and gave it to someone to give to her because I wanted her to come to me IF she wanted to talk...within an hour she did come to my office. I told her "first things first~ let me give you a hug and tell you how sorry I am for the loss of your baby." She immediately started pouring out how lost she has felt since the miscarriage, and how difficult it has been to go through something without her husband to be with her. Could you even imagine? Her husband is in Iraq fighting for all of us during the time when she needs him the most...makes me even more grateful for the men and women in our armed service. The personal sacrifices that they make for us everyday is amazing...I can't even come up with a better word, actually.

We had a really good talk, and she thanked me for the card (thanks were not needed). We now have an open door policy for whenever she wants to talk about her loss, and who knows, it may be nice to have someone to talk to IRL about my loss. The circumstances for our loss are different, but we now have a unique bond.

What would you do?

There is a young lady at work (19) that just had a miscarriage. I really want to hug her and support her because I know how isolating losing a baby can be...especially, while everyone else around you appears to be having a great life. She was 12 weeks and had to have a d&c. I overheard her talking about it in hallway, and I wanted to go to her, but stopped. Then, it ocurred to me that maybe that is what people think about with me. They really mean well, but don't want to overstep any boundaries.

I thought about making a card and just writing in the card that when she's ready to talk then my door is always open. She was so happy about being pregnant because she just got married on New Years day, and her new husband just went to Iraq. She has so much on her plate for someone so young.

Its amazing how protective you can become over someone the instant that they enter your sad little club...

Lilybear and the cousins...

So, my sweet sister asked me to bring Lilybear to be in the Easter photos with all the kids. My hubby and I went to the portrait studio and saw my 4 nieces and 1 nephew (he so needs someone on his little side!). They were adorable in their Easter clothes and at one point I did excuse myself to have a cry in the ladies room. I was overwhelmed (again) at my heartache of not having Lily here with us. I didn't want anyone to know that I was upset, and my 3 older nieces kept me busy enough that I did enjoy the extra time to see them. I was helping my nieces change their clothes when my sister came in and handed me a 8x10 of the picture below. I started to cry (ugh, that seemed to be my emotional response to everything on Friday), but this time the tears were not of sadness. Lilybear was the standin for my sweet daughter, and to the unknowing eye, Lilybear just looks like a prop from the portrait studio, but for Lily's family, the teddybear's presence means so MUCH more.

Sirens...

We had terrible storms throughout the southeast last night (some of you experienced them first hand yourselves!) and the tornado sirens kept going off. I was lying on the coach with my starbucks last night (I'm a starbucks addict) trying to unwind the first time that the sirens went off last night. My first thought was Lily. So, I ran up a flight of stairs to grab her...urn. The tornado could have been right infront of the house and there was nothing keeping me from getting to bring her to the basement with us.

As, a believer of Jesus Christ, I know that she is not in her urn. What's left of her in the urn is her earthly body, and that she lives in heaven with her Father. I become even more grateful of Jesus's sacrifice for my sins as Easter approaches. I know because of His sacrifices I will live forever in glory with Him, and a beautiful by-product is that I know I will be with her forever, also.

We're huddled in the basement and I have her urn on my lap prepared for the worst. Thankfully, we didn't have a tornado touch down by our house, so after it was all said and done...we went back upstairs and I put her urn back on the bookcase.

Fortune cookie prediction

I went to one of those cheesie chinese food buffets today with my family and I got the neatest fortune cookie prediction today:

"Remember this date because in exactly 3 months you will get great news"

I don't hold any stock in what fortune cookies put out into the universe, but I thought that was an interesting piece of paper...

Wouldn't it be cool if it was a BFP in July? Maybe, the Scotland vacation will be sucessful after all? We shall see :)

Mostly Forgotten...

I may be extra sensitive right now because there are certain dates looming out there that are special for me when I think back to when I was pregnant with Lily. The first time I saw here on an u/s is next week, and my morning sickness started right around this time last year. All of these milestones mean so much to me still, but I'm learning that these dates don't really matter much to anyone else outside of me, my hubby, my sister, and one friend at work, really. Not that I expect anyone to ask me how I'm doing out of the blue, but it would be nice for someone to ask how things are going in my life as far as the grieving process is going...

My pregnancy and loss are such a distant memory for almost everyone. I loved Lily more than life itself, and noone even asks me about her. I just don't want her to be a fading memory, but its seems as if everyone has already forgotten. I get the feeling that most people think that another baby is going to be my miracle cure, as if another baby is going to patch up the hole in my heart.

I just miss her and she is nearly every other thought in my mind...I just don't want her so easily forgotten.

In the beginning...

I started blogging as a way to communicate how I was feeling after the death of my dearly wanted and beloved daughter, Lily. Not knowing if people would actually read it, but I did hope that if they did read it that they would somehow be able to relate, provide advice, or even if they couldn't relate be able to offer comfort. And, they did have the option of doing nothing at all after reading it, which is fine, also.

My blog has become my comfort zone, and where I come to get things out of my head. I have been at my lowest points since losing Lily, and only women that have been through this type of pain can fathom where my heart, soul, and mind have been in the last 8 months. The women that I have "met" through blogging have been such a comfort and Godsend. The love and support that I have felt through the women in blogging land have truly restored my faith in humanity. You guys cheer with me when I have good news and you offer comfort when I'm sad...Its odd to put into words how I feel about my blogging buddies. In essence we're strangers, but in many ways, all of you know more about my inner feelings then the people that I see everyday. I consider a lot of you friends, even though we will never have a glass of wine together or babysit for each others kids~ the stuff that girlfriends do together and for each other.

Thank you for all of your love, support, and comfort that you have provided to me. All of you are dear and close to my heart. I'm going to make all of you honorary godmothers when we finally welcome a baby into our home.

Much love and all of you continue to be in my prayers...

Trying weekend...

Yesterday, we had our annual Easter festival at work and it was a little tough being around all the cute little girls in their Easter dresses. I tried to keep a positive attitude about it and tried to keep the focus in my heart about the real meaning of Easter...and that its not about cute dresses and hats. To top it all off, my sister and my sister-in-law are taking all their kids to have their Easter pictures taken on Friday. I would be lying if I said that my heart doesn't break when I think about how different my life should be right now. My daughter should be having her first Easter photos taken with her cousins right now.

I'm driving myself nuts by dwelling on every holiday about how my life should be different right now~ its a bit masochistic , but honestly I don't know how to shake the sadness of my life forever being incomplete.

Middle of the Road

My path of healing has been a windy one, sometimes I feel like I'm doing better and other times I feel like I am in a pit of despair. Sometimes, my heart feels like its back to its old rhythm and sometimes it feels so hard that I don't feel as if I'm really living. Most days though, I feel as if I'm walking down the middle of the road. I'm moving past the anger of losing Lily, but I still miss her more than I can put into words. I do my bible study in the mornings, and I don't know if God passes on the message, but I ask Him to tell her that I love her right before I say Amen. I'm moving past the "why me?" stage and realize that God has a plan not only for my life, and had a very definitive plan for hers. I no longer loath pregnant women at work, restaurants, or department stores, but instead try to remind myself that I have no idea of the pain or struggles that she may of had to endure while trying to have her precious baby. I do still refuse to go to babyshowers though, so no hard feelings if your invitations immediately go in the trash. I can now look at Lily's nursery and clothing without needing a Xanax, but tears do still string to my eyes with certain outfits.

I've worked through so many emotions in the nearly 8 months since we lost Lily, but I still feel as if I have ways to go before I can truly lay my head at night and feel peaceful with my position in life. You know the thank goodness feeling that you get when you wake up from a bad dream and realize that none of it was real? Thats what I wish would happen...