Close to my heart...

My hubby got me a Tiffany's necklace for our wedding anniversary this year. Its the one that is silver with the heart pendant to match the bracelet that he had got me for Christmas one year. I hadn't been wearing it because it was too short and it was kinda choking me, so a couple of weeks ago we went to Tiffany's so that they could add some more links. While I was there I asked them to engrave Lily Angeline on the back of the heart pendant so that I could have something with her name on it to wear on a routine basis. It came back yesterday, and it looks really pretty. I even wore it with my witches costume that I wore today for Halloween! So, I know its a small gesture but I just want anyone and everyone to know that I think of her everyday and that she will never be forgotten by me or her daddy.

Fun is not the same anymore...

My hubby and I went to see "Wicked" last Friday night, and for the first time since Lily died I actually had a break from the sadness. But my heart wasn't completely in the show, because still pounding in my brain is that Lily should have been with us. My sis and I went to see New Kids on the Block last night, and it was the same deal...I should have been 8 months pregnant at the show...I joked with my hubby (before Lily died) that I was going to bring a sign to the show that said I was having Jordan Knight's baby. For the record I wouldn't have actually done that...Well, maybe I would've....these events were planned months in advance and I was so excited about all that she would be hearing through my belly. NKOTB is no form of culture, but for instance we went to Les Miserables last month...so I thought how classy is my baby?

Everyday is the same thing...I want my baby back. I know it's not realistic and that she is gone. My heart aches every second of the day~even when there is a smile on my face.

The words I wish I didn't know...

The words I wish I didn't know include the following: Infertility, Placenta abruption, and Uterine Rupture. Pregnancy is supposed to such a natural and beautiful thing, but for me the entire process has been one filled with difficulty. When my husband and I got married we decided to use Depoprovera as our birth control option...boy, what a waste of time considering when I purposely tried to get pregnant it took almost a year and a half. I'm not a candidate for drugs like Clomid, or artifical insemination because of my one faulty tube. Getting pregnant with Lily was a miracle, because my specialist had counted me out. I have absouletly no risk factors for a placenta abruption, and my docs still can't tell me why it happened to me. All of my genetic tests came back good, except one but it still doesn't give a reason to the abruption. To feel like your body betrayed your child is a very heartwrenching feeling. My docs tell me that the chance of having a uterine rupture is like being struck with lighting. All of my research shows that the chance of a spontaneous rupture (like the one I had) is about 0.5% to 1%...All three of these words are things that I never thought would happen to me. I just assumed that I would get pregnant the moment that I decided to have a baby. This is very humbly for a woman who has acheived most all that she has set her mind to acheive.

I have always had a terrible habit of being a stress-scratcher. Anyone who knows me knows that I scratch my neck compulsively when my nerves are shot. I have become a compulsive scratcher the last fews weeks. My dermatologist asked me if I have been under any stress lately, and I know that I'm not handling things the "healthy" way. I tried to wean myself off my anti-depressant b/c I think its making me fat...but now I just cry on a dime.

I guess I miss the ignorance is bliss Jen...before trying to get pregnant and then succeeding just to lose my baby has changed ever fiber of my being. I'm so sad, and I want to scream and throw something!

We have changed...

The following poem was written by my dear husband in memory of our Lily. She will always be remembered and loved as our first child. We as people have changed, we are fundamentally different people than who we are were after the loss of our daughter. We cry and handle each day as they come our way, and we feel sorrow for not being given more time with the child that we loved more than anything.

Lily my Life

One small piece of me I only knew for awhile
Is gone from this earth, though I never saw you smile
A little bit of me and a part of my wife
Formed beautifully for a moment, now forever in my life

There’s no changing now, my old life is gone
I won’t feel the same at the day’s early dawn
Neither a breath to be taken nor a beat of my heart
Can occur without thoughts of you at the start

How brief our time was is not important to me
I loved things about you my eyes could not see
You don’t need to be here on this earth near the ground
Inside of my soul is where your light can be found

It comforts me knowing you’re waiting for us
I know cause God said so, in his word I trust
I don’t want to rush life, there’s much beauty down here
But knowing you’re there has quieted my fear

When my time comes to go there, it will be in peace
My little girl waits with arms open for me
Until then just know you’re with me everyday
You fill every thought until I come your way

I’m glad I had time to hold you tight
I re-live that short moment in my dreams each night
Someday that dream, and that hug, will come true
I can’t wait to hear the words, “Daddy I really missed you”.

Sometimes the road to motherhood is laid with...

scars. Chuck and I began our journey to becoming parents in November 2006. We both just assumed that pregnancy would just happen. Every month I would pee on a ovulation stick and wouldn't DTD unless a dark line appeared. Month after month passed, and month after month led to disappointment. I've never especially enjoyed my period, but I loathed my period when we were trying to conceive. So, after a year of unsucesful mating (just sounds funny!), and one exploratory lapratomy we decided to go to a reproductive specialist. We have the best reproductive specialist in probably the entire southeast. So, step one he says "your right fallopian tube needs to be removed" and literally two weeks later I was a woman with only one fallopian tube. Losing my fallopian tube was sad, because I now knew my chances to become a mommy on my own dropped by 50%. So, now my scar count is up to 5. They are small scars because they were lapratomy scars, but because the surgeries were done by two different doctors the scars look different. One doc did horizontal cuts, and the other did vertical. Thanks for that guys. I found out I was pregnant the very next month after the tube came out. Wow! That damn tube has been screwing me for months! We had been trying to get pregnant for 17 months. I've never been happier than when I was pregnant with my daughter. I threw up everyday for almost my entire pregnancy, but I didn't care because I just knew we were going to have our sweet baby. The biggest scars I have are the ones that ocurred on August 3, 2008. The day Lily died. I had to have a c-section, so I have a 7 inch permanent scar to remind me everyday of how my poor baby was pulled from my body. But you know what~that scar doesn't bother me as much as the emotional scar that I carry around every second of everyday. My heart is scarred knowing that I won't see my Lily until I die. My heart is scarred knowing that there is no ending to this pain. My heart is scarred knowing that even though I don't want ANYTHING to happen in anyone's pregnancy, I'm not as giddy as I once would have been when somebody I know has a baby.

The literal scars on my stomach remind me of the trials that I had to go through to get pregnant, and to meet my daughter. The figurative scars are the ones that cannot be covered with clothes, or hidden with make-up. I'm a childless mommy covered with scars that will never fade.

real life experience

Some of you may know that I am a social worker~I love helping people, but my real passion has always been working with the elderly population. I can remember being like 6 years old and seeing elderly people at the grocery store and wanting to hug them. Some people look at babies and think all babies are cute, but I have always thought the elderly were adorable. I work in a nursing home, most people my age (30) would never enjoy the work that I do, but truly feel that I have followed my calling in life. But being only 30, and not having all the life experiences as my patients or their families, I have always wondered if my clients have thought that I was out of touch. I really feel that I can now use my experiences with losing Lily as a way to identify with my patients. First, I know now how helpless you feel when you are sick. I was so sick that first day after surgery that I had to have people move my body position every two hours. I had to have people do things for me that I would have been mortified if I had to do for someone else. I remember how lonely I felt when if my family had to go do things and I was at the hospital by myself. I shudder to recall how terrible the food at the hospital was. I think how trapped I felt with the ventilator in my body, and the IVs attached to 4 different areas in my body. I can now identify with how my patients may feel when they are no longer able to do things for themselves, and have to solely depend on staff around them. Second, I can now identify with the pain felt by the resident's families when they have lost someone they love. How much pain they are in when they are busy planning the funeral~picking out the coffin or urn, the music to be played, what they will wear to the service, and how they feel to pack up their loved ones belongings. Because, now I have done the same things for my daughter. When I hug my residents and their families now, it is with the sense of empathy that maybe I didn't possess prior to losing my daughter. Her life and death have profoundly changed who I am as a woman, and as a human being.

The first week back to work

So, I just completed my first week back to work after Lily's death, and I guess I'm no worse for the wear or tear. I'm beginning to believe that some people honestly just don't know what to say, and that there are so many cliches that people just don't realize are insensitive. For instance, I had someone tell me this week that I just needed to realize that God for whatever reason didn't think Lily was meant to be...Can someone even tell me why anyone would give those words of advice? Maybe He didn't mean for her to live on earth with me, but all life is created by God and therefore is meant to be. God doesn't make mistakes. I had a few try to comfort me with the good ole "You can have more kids" routine...Hello, why in the world would that make me feel any better? I also had to correct someone that I did not have a miscarriage, but that Lily was stillborn (I hate that word)...Losing a baby at any stage is hard, but I feel I have to fight to give Lily all the credit she deserves! I want her to be validated for every week that she lived inside me~One poor soul thought that I had been on maternity leave all this time, and when I told her that Lily passed away she was mortified. I have actually grown to enjoy hugs now, before I would keep everyone at arms length, but I find comfort in them now. But overall everyone was extremly happy to see me back and getting busy again has been good.

The nicest comment I had this week was from my friend, Patty, from work who told me that I can always celebrate mother's day because I am a mother now~nothing can change that fact now.

So, I know that as the weeks tick away, people will forget that I was ever pregnant, how terribly sick I was, and how tragic the loss of Lily was...but she will forever be the owner of my heart, the occupier of my thoughts, and the reason that I know there are more important things in life than the stuff on earth.