Comfort

I'm on a sick leave from work due to my emergency c-section and tenatively not scheduled to go back to work until the last week of September. I'm torn between getting sick of being at home, venturing out for little jaunts but find myself sore in the evening so, why bother? And just wanting to get the heck out of dodge...parts of me want to runaway to a distant location and not come back. To not have to worry about all of the sad looks that people will give and the questions I know they want to ask but feel awkward from the people who knew the pregnant me. My home is my refuge with the only source of attacks of "what could have been" is the television.

My heart used to be so happy, but now it just beats its way through each day...When I was pregnant I would go to bed every night thinking of the day that I would meet my baby, the cute outfit that she would wear home from the hospital, and the kisses that I would give her everyday. Now I close my eyes just knowing that I completed one more day that puts me closer to being back with my daughter.

I know that I still have what most people would call a "good life"...and I thank God everyday for the things that he continues to do in my life, and I'm searching for the meaning of this loss in my life. This just hurts so badly.

I miss her...

I'm having a hard time today...I miss being pregnant, tomorrow I would be 26 weeks. I start feeling a sense of panic because I'm starting to forget (already) how it felt to feel her move inside of me, to feel her kick unexpectedly. My sense of being starts to unravel as each week ticks away from the last time I felt her move and the planning for her arrival becomes a distant memory. Her clothes are still in the dresser drawers, and I can't bring myself to really go into what would have been her room. I'm mad because I will never give her a bath, and have that clean baby smell. I'm mad because we will never have a mommy and Lily day. I am mad because my husband is sad everyday, and I don't know if we will ever be the same people. We are still madly in love with each other, but I feel guilty that I can't give him the child that he desperately wants. He doesn't blame me for the loss of Lily, but I can't help blaming myself.

Lily~mommy misses you so much. I wish I could go back in time, and try to fix all that went wrong that night. I know you are happy, and it would be selfish to make you come back to me...but I don't feel whole without you.

Please, tell your kids you love them everyday and give them a hug whenever you can...you don't know how lucky you are.

Morbid?

So, I plan on going with my husband on a business trip because he doesn't want to leave me alone overnight. We had our daughter cremated and her urn is in our bedroom, and I don't know if this is strange or not but I like her close by and this way I can talk to her when I wake up and when I go to bed at night. I'm aware that her soul is in heaven, but I still like to talk to her whenever I can...

Here's my worry...what if our house catches on fire while we're away and she's all alone...so, I've instructed my husband to put her in our firesafe safe when we are not going to be home overnight. I've always slightly worried about leaving our home unattended, but now I feel this overwhelming fear that something could happen to her while we're away. If she's in the safe then even if something happens than she would be alright.

I feel jealous of the parents who never have to have this crazy worry...

The story of Lily Angeline Nolf

I found out I was pregnant on my 30th birthday, and I couldn't have been more surprised and pleased to plan the arrival of our much anticipated child. Especially since we had been told just 2 short weeks prior to the positive pregnancy test that we would not be able to conceive on our own. We felt so blessed, and our testimony to our God firmly grounded and shouted at the rooftops.

The first trial would be finding out if the baby had actually made it into my uterus. See, I had my right fallopian tube removed in February 2008, and my reproductive specialist had told me that my left fallopian tube had too much scar tissue to be of any use to getting pregnant, also. We went for our first ultrasound on April 17th and were elated to discover that the baby indeed was exactly where it was supposed to be...first hurdle crossed succesfully! We also found out that day that the egg had actually traveled from my right ovary (the one without a fallopian tube) to my left fallopian tube (the one that wasn't supposed to work) down to my uterus. Since I had succesfully had gotten pregnant I transferred to a new OB doctor, and the pregnancy progressed like any other low-risk pregnancy. I started having morning sickness around week 6 and it continued until about week 19, so that part wasn't fun but dealt with it with a smile knowing that my reward would be worth every minute. We went to a 3-d ultrasound place when I was 16 weeks 3 days pregnant and were told that we were having a boy. We began planning for our little Cooper, buying the cutest clothes that you could find for a boy and planning a turtle nursery. So, we were shocked to find out that our Cooper was actually a Lily on our 20 week ultrasound appointment. We returned what we could and proceeded to get ready for our princess (I being the queen and all..I'm laughing people).

On Saturday afternoon, August 2, I started to have some pains that really just felt like the worst gas pains ever, so I had my DH call the ob who instructed us to meet her at the hospital. Immediately, upon arriving at the hospital I was hooked to a fetal heart monitor and a contraction machine. I was happy to see her little heart beat was going strong at 146 and that I was having no contractions. Well, I just kept getting worse so they thought my appendix had ruptured and planned to do surgery that night. They came into get me and one of the nurse's wanted to check Lily's hb one last time before going into surgery, it was at that point that Lily's hb started to slow down. My blood pressure had also dropped to 70/40 and my hb was 150 so I was not doing so well myself. My DH watched our daughter on the u/s machine until her heart just stopped beating...my comfort is knowing her daddy's voice was the last thing she heard. She was 22 wks 3 days. No one really knew at this point what exactly had happened, but my ob planned for me to deliver her naturally and began to induce my labor. Well, nothing started to happen and I still was not doing too good. By this point I had received 4 pints of blood, my temp was 102, and I was drugged rather heavily for the pain. A specialist came in (really is an angel) who decided I needed an emergency c-section. Once they performed the surgery it was discovered that my placenta had abrupted and I had a uterine rupture. I was placed in a medically induced coma and woke up on Monday on a ventilator. I was in ICU for 3 days and was basically told that I could've died if I had been anywhere than at the hospital when my uterus ruptured. Physically, I am in so much pain and emotionally parts of me wish that I could be with Lily. I had the chance to hold her and tell her that I love her when I woke up from surgery. She is beautiful. I will forever love her and miss her. I was released from the hospital 5 days after the ordeal began, and basically my DH is doing everything for me. We had our daughter cremated and had a beautiful memorial service for her. Her urn is in our room, and one day when I am called home I will reunite with her. Her ashes will be put with my ashes upon my death, also. It hurts so bad b/c its amazing how quickly life can change...in the blink of an eye.

Everyday is painful without her, but I have hope in knowing that I will spend eternity with her in heaven. I know that she is in heaven with Jesus, and I mean is there any better company?

Lily precious Lily~ mommy and daddy will always love you and we will never forget you!