After all this time...

I read a post on FB recently regarding a family that lost a daughter to stillbirth and even after all this time, those posts still make my heart skip a beat.  I think back some times and wonder how I ever made it through those first days, weeks and months following her death.  I mean, what choice did I have really? 

According to the ticker on her blog, it's been 5 years, 7 months and 21 days since she died.  I still think about her often.  I haven't cried in a long time but I do have that ache.  I woke up one morning and was missing her. It wasn't any special date but I woke up and the longing was there.  I went shopping for some stuff for Lily's little brother and saw some purple butterflies.  I didn't have a plan for them but I knew that she had a hand in me buying them when I saw that her lilies had started to grow.  I hadn't noticed them when I left to go to the store but saw them as soon as I pulled into our driveway.  So, I made little butterfly posts to decorate her lily area.  I received the butterfly flag holder and the dancing butterfly post as a gift for my birthday.  I bought the flag this morning and thought it was perfect for that area...

This Wednesay, my birthday, will be the 6th anniversary of finding out that I was pregnant with her.  My heart will never forget how happy that I was that day.  My heart had no idea what was headed it's way and how it would never be the same.  

So, even after all this time, I love her. I miss her. I'll never stop wishing that she were here.  I'll never have a birthday where she's not in my thoughts. 

Becky's I believe video

Through the babyloss community, I was blessed to meet Becky. She and her hubby lost their first baby, Liam, during fetal surgery to correct his severe Spina Bifida. They were blessed to become pregnant with their daughter, Evelynn, but Becky suffered a Uterine Rupture (most of you know that we lost Lily to a UR, as well) 6 days before her scheduled c-section. Evelynn was pulled off life-support a few days after her birth and passed away.

 This family has been through more than any of us could even imagine! They're currently in a video contest to win FREE IVF (they're going to use a gestational carrier) and it would mean so much to them (and, me!) if you could take just a moment to vote for their video. Here is the link:

 http://haveababy.com/i-believe-video-contest/

Just look under the I believe video contest and vote for the Rasmussen family (in the Primary section). Please and thank you! 

5th Christmas

Monday marked the 5th time that December 3rd has hit the calendar since Lily died.  December 3rd, 2008 was her due date.  I found the calendar that I kept when I was pregnant with her the other day and December 3rd was circled with just the words "Baby N due!".  Damn, I was so excited for December 3rd (or, thereabouts)...

My facebook status on Monday was "I'll wonder what she'd be like at 4, 14, 24, 34..." and I will.  I'll never be ok that she's not running around my house and drawing on the walls with her little brother.  Never.  Will I enjoy life and keep on trucking on?  Yep but I'll always wish that she were here..

I bought her a new ornament for the tree...

 



Capturing your grief...

I knew that participating in Carly Marie's Capture your Grief project would stir up emotions that I've been bottling up for awhile and boy are memories and emotions stirring the last few days.  I've been so busy being a mommy to my rainbow that I truly have put being Lily's mommy on the backburner.  To be frank, one child needs me every moment to survive while one child doesn't. 

I received a very sweet thank you note from a friend today.  She gave birth a baby girl in July and I attended her shower in June.  Quite honestly, even 4 years later, I do shy away from attending baby showers but I will go if they're a special friend.  I no longer go to the ones out of some sort of social norm requirement.  Anyways, the special friend wrote that she's been thinking of Lily a lot and questioning why Lily and I were robbed of the opportunity to have a mother daughter relationship.  First, it takes a lot of empathy and love in your heart to actually put those thoughts on paper.  Second, it's been a long time since I've allowed myself to think of the actual day to day things that I miss with her.  Sure, there are the triggers still that I mentioned in my previous post but I just don't allow my mind to think about all the days that I've lived without her and (hopefully) the many days that I have yet to live without her. 

My heavy sigh that has been my way of coping without her turned to heavy sobs after reading the thank you note.  I went upstairs, held her picture to my chest and actually cried.  I mean, a ugly heavy, barely breathing type of crying.  I bet it's been a year (or, two?) since I've allowed my mind and my heart to feel that much...

I don't plan on doing the Capture your Grief on my blog but I am doing it on facebook and instagram.  Here are the pictures for the last 4 days (it rained all day on the 1st so there isn't a picture of the sunrise!):



Day 2: Before Loss self-portrait (the day before we lost Lily) 

 

 

Day 3:  After loss self-portrait

This pic is important because I'm really, genuinely happy here. 

 

 

Day 4 A treasured item:

Lily bear (most of you will know LB, she was given to me when they pulled me off the ventilator.  This bear kept me grounded to Earth for days...

 

Day 5: A memorial

The heart inside reads:  We never lose the ones we love, they live on in our heart.

 

 

 

To participate in Capture your Grief as part of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness then please go to Carly Marie's website here.



 

There's never a break...

You can take a blog break but you just can't take a break from this journey, can you?  I've been thinking of Lily a lot the last few days.  There's just a subtle ache these last few days. 

Maybe, it's all the little girls at the park lately and I just can't help but think about how lovely she would be these days.  A beautiful four year old little girl running around the playground...

Maybe, it's all the Halloween costumes in the stores because Halloween is my favorite holiday.  I can't help but wonder what she would be...

See, I don't break down in tears anymore when I miss her.  It's more like I just need to take a big sigh and just keeping moving...

Never stop moving. 

4 years

How is Lily's 4th birthday on Friday?  Where has the time gone?  It seems like one day I was drowning in grief then I learned how to wade and now I'm swimming along in what appears to be a normal life.  I still think of her nearly everyday but I'm not as sad this birthday as I was last year...I must be getting "better", whatever that means...

I'm doing the memory boxes again for her birthday and I'm delivering them tomorrow.  I changed them up a little this year with doing a photo book instead of a journal, a candle and a pregnancy and infant loss pin.  I have a whole day planned with going to Callaway Gardens for the butterfly house (we were going to do this last year but it just didn't happen) and we're also taking Coop to the wild animal safari on Friday.  I plan on (finally) reading him "Someone Came before You" while we're in the butterfly house.  I just want to have a special moment with him to celebrate his big sister.  He's only 2 so he doesn't have a concept of death but he does see pics of her and we talk about her to him often.

I made four baskets, 2 girls and 2 boys, to be donated tomorrow~  

What to expect when you're expecting...

** Spoiler Alert **  I'm giving my opinion on the new movie "What to expect when you're expecting" so don't read this post if you plan on seeing this and don't want my opinion...

I went to see this movie on Saturday in the spirit of (almost) always being a good friend even to my own detriment and it fulfilled all my expectations which were really, really low.  I'm not one of those rom-com kinda girls anyways but a couple of my girlfriends wanted to see it and hey, I could use a night out so I said "sure!".  It's one of those smorgasbord actor movies with a bunch of big names in it and it was filmed locally so I pushed my uterusless/baby longing emotions to the side and decided that it couldn't hurt...

Okay, here are a few of the things that pissed me off most in the movie:

1.  I was actually surprised to see that they included a miscarriage in the movie and I was like "finally, some realism in this B.O.S movie!" but yeah, they sugar coated the miscarriage issue entirely.  For one thing, it happened to the couple that got pregnant after a one night stand.  I guess it happening to the couple that had been trying for 2 years to get pregnant would just be too sad.  That pisses me off because they made the situation into "well, she must have miscarried because it wasn't the right time in her life" thing.  Which one of the last sentences spoken by this woman was "I'll have another chance when the time is right".   They didn't even scrape the surface of mourning a miscarriage with the closest attempt being a line "It hurts too much to look at your face right now" spoken by the girl to the guy.  You saw her cry right when she got the news but I didn't see any other tears and it turned into a "you don't have to be with me" now issue and not so much a "I just lost a human being inside me" issue.

2.  One of the couples is looking to adopt and they decide to do an international adoption.  What a beautiful idea but then they magically get selected a few weeks after their home study!  I mean, come on!  J Lo loses her job at the aquarium and she doesn't once blink an eye that they can no longer afford their expensive international adoption but more that she can no longer afford her dream house.  You don't see one second worth of the bureaucratic paper work crap that follows a domestic or international adoption.  You don't see them going to the FBI office to be fingerprinted.  They do their home study and magically they get a baby...how wonderful!

3.  One of the ladies ends up with a c-section and the moment that the baby is born there is a medical emergency and the dad is forced out of the room.  His sadness was actually believable but they turned it into a moment where this guy and his dad can make up.  I have serious triggers related to pregnancy emergencies and they trivialized every woman's fear of something happening during their c-section.  My only remedy would be to suggest leaving that whole scenario out or at least do it respectfully!  The nurse comes in and says "she's awake" and that's that...how wonderful! ::eye roll::

As you can tell, I'm not a fan.  I went with a group of very fertile women who have never lost a baby...so, they loved it!

I feel like a total outsider these days...