Lily's House of Hope~

“Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.” Eskimo Proverb

Alice

Brigette

Erin

Trennia

Kara

Bree

Sarita

Lily's House of Hope

I'll be working on pics this weekend so please email me at lilysmommy8308@yahoo.com if you would like a pic of your angel's name...

Love,
Jen

Lily's House of Hope

I wrote about a month ago about the desire to change the direction of Lily's blog from a one of sadness and grief to a direction of happiness and celebration. I'm hoping that starting Lily's House of Hope will be a start in that direction...

Lily's House of Hope will be your angel's name somewhere around Lily's house. For example, the picture below is actually taken on a cushion on our bench in our breakfast nook...

I think back to the smiles and joy that I've felt everytime that I've received a pic with Lily's name and I hope to now be able to give that same joyfulness to a angel mommy or daddy. Please, send an email to www.lilysmommy8308@yahoo.com if you would like to receive one of these pics!

The Empty Chair

We had breakfast on Saturday at one of our favorite places and I had one of "those" moments. One of "those" moments where your mind drifts to what life would be like....I wrote this after coming home on Saturday while Cooper was taking a nap and my honey was working on a project. It's those quiet moments when you're alone that your heart and reality meet that brought me to write this piece:

The Empty Chair

I couldn't help but think of you as I looked at the empty chair. I couldn't help but look across the table at your daddy and think of all we've been through since we got married. Then I looked to my right where you're little brother sat in his high-chair and I smiled. I give him a quick kiss on his cheek and tell him that I love him. I look to my left and there was the empty chair.

The empty chair where you should be sitting in your booster seat. My mind races to what I would've ordered you and how fun it would've been to watch you color on the kid's puzzles that the restaurant gives all the kids. My mind has the daydreams but my eyes see the reality of the empty chair.

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A table for four with a family of three was never so painful...I didn't cry...no one even knew where my mind and heart was...You get to be an expert at having "those" moments undected after 25 months...

Small signs that my heart is starting to heal~

The baby edition in People magazine would've made me pop a xanax in 2008. It same edition became bearable in 2009 because I was pregnant with our rainbow baby but couldn't really enjoy seeing babies with the fear that something would happen to this one, too. I opened the baby edition this year with a subtle excitement to see other smiling babies and to ooh/aah over the things that I'll never be able to afford to give to Cooper. I wasn't anxious or sad...I was oddly "normal" as I flipped throught the magazine over the weekend.

My heart will never be quite the same but I do feel it easier to be happy. I miss her and love her but these feelings no longer paralyze me. These feelings used to be so overpowering that I couldn't think straight. I don't feel guilty about this tide of change in my heart. I know this is what she wants...in my core, I know she knows that I think of her everyday with a sweet love that only a mommy can give...I don't feel tortured by this love anymore. That sounds so harsh but I used to be angry at having all this love for her in me and not being able to show her this love. I now know that living my life in a strong and proud way is showing her my love. I now know that not allowing her death to kill me is the way that she would want me to live the rest of my life.

I will never forget August 3, 2008

We had tried for almost 2 years to get pregnant with her and the day we found out that I was pregnant was the best day of my entire life. We ate at a Thai restaurant the night before taking the hpt and I told my hubby would'nt it be great if I was pregnant right now and on the baby's birth announcements we could write "when man says no, God says yes" We had been told just 2 weeks before that I would never get pregnant on my own. I had my right fallopian tube removed in Feb. 08 and the left one was so badly damaged that the RE said that there would be no way that an embryo would make it out...He doesn't know the God that I serve, does he?

Our pregnancy was picture perfect until the day that she died.

We went had gone to garage sales all morning looking for baby stuff. We had lunch at Little Azio's and had gone home to take a nap. I played on the computer some and the moment that I stood up from my desk is the first time that I noticed the pain. I laid down thinking that I just had gas. I asked my hubby to call my ob-gyn after 15 minutes because I knew that something wasn't right. I felt her kick and flip as my hubby raced to the hospital. They hooked me up to the monitors and I wasn't contracting and Lily was doing beautifully. They said that it must be my appendix and lined me up for surgery.

An hour before I was to go into surgery my blood pressure dropped to 60/40 and all I remember is panadomium. People were everywhere sticking in catheters, putting an oxygen mask on me, and literally squeezing the iv fluids into my veins to get my blood pressure to go up. They brought in the u/s machine to check on Lily and her heartbeat was already in the 90's. Even if they could've gotten her out it was for certain that she would've been braindead. There just wasn't time. I remember looking at my hubby and my doc and saying "please, don't let her die. I can't lose her." I knew by the look on their faces. My hubby got close to my stomach and told her that we loved her and to go to Jesus. He watched her heart stop. No daddy should have to see their princess die and I know he carries that memory with him every day. They say that she died from a complete placenta aburption.

The next 15 hours are too painful to write about today. How do you put into words how it feels to have your dead baby inside of you? How do you put into words the feeling of your world crashing down and knowing that any dayto come will never be the same?

The uterine rupture happened some time that day. I ended up on a ventilator for 2 days. The sweet nurse that pulled the tubes out of my throat said "I'm so sorry. Please, let us know when you're ready to see your daughter and we'll bring her to you." My hubby handed her to me and she was dressed in a white dress with a cross on the front. She had a purple hat on and was wrapped in a purple blanket. She was perfect in every way. I think about the day we "met" all the time...I caressed her cheeks and told her how sorry I was for failing her. I tell her the same things today. I miss her and love her so very much.

I think it's good for me to look back on this day. My heart has gone through so much since then. I didn't know how I was ever going to live without her and then God blessed me with her little brother. He has brought so much joy to us. Cooper has reminded me how much there is still to live for in this world.

Lily made me a mother and Cooper has made me a mommy. The difference is subtle. You become a mother the moment that you have life living inside of you. You become a mommy when you live the day to day trials of watching your heart live outside your body.

Both of my children are my greatest accomplishments. I see little parts of Lily in Cooper. Sometimes, I see her when I look down at him when he's sleeping and I feel God's grace around me at these times.

I know that I'll see her again and my heart takes comfort in our reunion.

Thank you, Glamour!

I don't even have a subscription to Glamour anymore but can't get them to stop sending it to me! I normally just toss them in the recycling bin or pass them off to a friend as the only magazines that I read anymore are the ones to do with life with a baby. Today though, I flipped through by all the perfume samples and pictures of the newest fashion trends (although, all my clothes are from Kohl's and Old Navy so I'm not even considered a fashion icon by ANYONE'S standards!) and landed on the most phenomenal article.

The name of the article is "The Baby I Lost and the Life that She Gave Me" by Katharine O'Connell White. The article is perfect in every sense of the word. She goes over how hard it was to see certain onesies, her "before" life, and all of her emotions when pregnant with her rainbow baby (our term not hers). This lady is a doctor and actually lost her daughter in the very hospital that she worked in. I had tears in my eyes as she discussed how her doctor friends gave her daughter CPR for 30 minutes. Actually, I cried a lot while reading the article as this was the first article that I could actually identify with every word and could feel every emotion.

I'm thankful to Mrs. White for this article as it seems like pregnancy loss and infant death are still taboo subjects. Her final sentence sums it all up perfectly "My pain will never fully go away and I'm still happy. I'm not fine in the old way: the knee-jerk "I'm fine" that won't allow doubt or fear. But I am, actually, in a deeper, truer way, fine."

I'm thankful for Glamour for adding in an article that shows that pregnancy loss isn't the cooties. You won't have a miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death by acknowledging that it does happen everyday! It's not some "subject" to be ignored and for baby loss parents to "suck it up" and just "get it over it already". The death of a baby is personal but it is life changing...

(This article is in the September 2010 issue)