I had a comment on a previous post about what direction I feel that I am in or am I in a standstill nearly 2 years after Lily's death. I've been pondering the question now for a week, rumulating if you will exactly how to answer this question...Maybe, this won't answer the question but I'm willing to try~
Most days, I feel acceptance of my life. Let's not confuse acceptance with peace. I don't know if we ever get to a point where we feel peace but maybe there are those that do. Peace is a long way off. The angry days are mostly gone...key in on the word *mostly*.
Most days, I don't hate the people that I deem unworthy of the gift of having all their children living and breathing. It's not their fault that their kids are alive. The only thing that I wish they realized is how extraordinary a gift it is...
Most days, I still have problems seeing little girl things. This even goes for all of you. Sometimes, it still hurts when I see those of you that were able to pass down your girl things to your rainbow babies. Not your fault. I know how blessed am I to have a healthy son so please don't start with the counting your blessings...it's a feeling even if some of you think it's irrational...
Everyday is filled with memories of my short time with her. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't hate myself for not kissing her cheeks...WTH was wrong with me that day?!?!
I don't cry as much but I still miss her and think about her everyday. I still love her and mourn the events that we'll never share with each other. Do we ever let those go?
In essence, I feel like I've made a lot of progress but not quick enough, I'm sure, for a lot that know me in the real world.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
Lily birthday party details~
We're having Lily's 2nd heavenly birthday/memorial on July 31, 2010 (her bday is actually August 3rd) and I'm actively planning all the little details. You know, the details that all parents do for a yearly memorial for their dead child *note sarcasm*. I do take her party very seriously though and try to pour as much love into the small things like I would do for her if she were here...
I don't know if you can tell by this pic but Jesus is holding a child and they are both looking at a butterfly~
The definition of what the butterfly symbolizes in Christianity (We are followers of Jesus Christ)
A candle to light in her memory on her birthday and a Lily angel magnet
I don't know if you can tell by this pic but Jesus is holding a child and they are both looking at a butterfly~A description of what the butterfly symbolizes in the babyloss community~
The definition of what the butterfly symbolizes in Christianity (We are followers of Jesus Christ)
I'm asking all of my family members to do a random good deed for a stranger and to give that stranger this card~
All of these items will go into this bag~
Just wanted to give a close-up of the fold of the bag~ Could you find a more perfect stamp?!?
All of these items will go into this bag~
Just wanted to give a close-up of the fold of the bag~ Could you find a more perfect stamp?!?
Thursday, July 22, 2010
She's always with us~
We went to Savannah last weekend and we decided to take the short drive over to Tybee Island. I haven't been in the ocean in 25 years and we couldn't pass the opportunity of taking Cooper for the first time...
I got a pic of Lily's name in the sand while we were there...
The little angel says "I will never leave you" and I carry it in my pocket with me just about everywhere I go. I take it out of my pocket and clutch it in my hand during the "I'm missing her" moments. There is no replacement for actually having her here but the angel does bring me comfort...
I'll be taking Lily pics for the video montage until next weekend and I would love to see her name in any creative way! I'm amazed at the creativity in our community and I can't wait to share some of the pics that have been sent already! Lily pics can be sent to lilysmommy8308@yahoo.com
I got a pic of Lily's name in the sand while we were there...
The little angel says "I will never leave you" and I carry it in my pocket with me just about everywhere I go. I take it out of my pocket and clutch it in my hand during the "I'm missing her" moments. There is no replacement for actually having her here but the angel does bring me comfort...I'll be taking Lily pics for the video montage until next weekend and I would love to see her name in any creative way! I'm amazed at the creativity in our community and I can't wait to share some of the pics that have been sent already! Lily pics can be sent to lilysmommy8308@yahoo.com
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Everyday
I just started reading a new blog today Face of Loss which is a blog about women sharing their stories of loss and the story is accompanied by a picture of them. I read story after story. I looked at all of these women's faces and noticed that all of them look "normal." All of the stories are heartbreaking...none of these stories have happy endings...all of them left me in tears...
I noticed one of the stories and the date of death for their baby was my birthday. I thought to myself "that day was the worst day of someone's life and I was sitting in the movies...." Then, a lot of people were carrying on their lives while my world was falling down around me...
Pregnancy loss or infant death will strike someone's family this very second. A heart is breaking and a world is falling apart before I finish this sentence.
It's been almost 2 years since I lost Lily so the pain has become bearable but right this very moment a mother and father will feel like they can't breath and they'll wonder how they will every live a normal life again...
Babies dying happens everyday...A woman's dream for her baby will never come into fruition...
This mother will ask herself "why me?"...my new question after nearly 2 years in this new normal is "why anyone?"
No one deserves this pain...no one...but, everyday the pain is handed to a new family...
I noticed one of the stories and the date of death for their baby was my birthday. I thought to myself "that day was the worst day of someone's life and I was sitting in the movies...." Then, a lot of people were carrying on their lives while my world was falling down around me...
Pregnancy loss or infant death will strike someone's family this very second. A heart is breaking and a world is falling apart before I finish this sentence.
It's been almost 2 years since I lost Lily so the pain has become bearable but right this very moment a mother and father will feel like they can't breath and they'll wonder how they will every live a normal life again...
Babies dying happens everyday...A woman's dream for her baby will never come into fruition...
This mother will ask herself "why me?"...my new question after nearly 2 years in this new normal is "why anyone?"
No one deserves this pain...no one...but, everyday the pain is handed to a new family...
Monday, July 19, 2010
Just another patient
I was thinking today about my old ob-gyn...the one I had when I was pregnant with Lily...
I was wondering today if she ever thinks about me or Lily. I was wondering today if my daughter's death ever affects her. I know she sees so many patients and I'm sure she's seen a lot of babies die...but, I imagine she can't be responsible for many patients ending up on a ventilator. It's all her fault. Maybe, not Lily's death but certainly for everything else that followed that day.
God knew Lily was going to die that day. But, she was the one who misdiagnosised me with appendicitis and we lost countless hours as the placenta abruption became catastrophic. She was the one who kept "riping" up my cervix with Cyto.tec even though my body would never go into labor. She was the one who insisted that I should give birth vaginally although I had a fever of 102, was on 5 liters of oxygen, and was receiving 4 pints of blood because my blood count kept dropping...I couldn't have pushed Lily out anyways because she was no longer in my uterus.
In the end, it would be discovered that I had a uterine rupture and my sweet Lily (and her placenta) were lying in my abdominal cavity. I had pulmonary edema and septicemia. By the time that it was all said and done I received 9 pints of blood. I was going into DIC which has a technical term but it also goes by Death Is Coming. I ended up on a ventilator for 2 days. I was supposed to be on longer but I think my body was pissed and I kept waking up...even through the coma inducing medicines.
I think about parts of that day EVERYDAY but I'm sure that I don't even cross her mind. All of the doctors in her practice that rounded on me during my hospital stay were telling me how "distraught" she was...poor thing! It didn't keep her from wearing her children's pictures all over her lab coat when she came to see me on my discharge day.
I'm just another patient to her and Lily was just another baby...
I was wondering today if she ever thinks about me or Lily. I was wondering today if my daughter's death ever affects her. I know she sees so many patients and I'm sure she's seen a lot of babies die...but, I imagine she can't be responsible for many patients ending up on a ventilator. It's all her fault. Maybe, not Lily's death but certainly for everything else that followed that day.
God knew Lily was going to die that day. But, she was the one who misdiagnosised me with appendicitis and we lost countless hours as the placenta abruption became catastrophic. She was the one who kept "riping" up my cervix with Cyto.tec even though my body would never go into labor. She was the one who insisted that I should give birth vaginally although I had a fever of 102, was on 5 liters of oxygen, and was receiving 4 pints of blood because my blood count kept dropping...I couldn't have pushed Lily out anyways because she was no longer in my uterus.
In the end, it would be discovered that I had a uterine rupture and my sweet Lily (and her placenta) were lying in my abdominal cavity. I had pulmonary edema and septicemia. By the time that it was all said and done I received 9 pints of blood. I was going into DIC which has a technical term but it also goes by Death Is Coming. I ended up on a ventilator for 2 days. I was supposed to be on longer but I think my body was pissed and I kept waking up...even through the coma inducing medicines.
I think about parts of that day EVERYDAY but I'm sure that I don't even cross her mind. All of the doctors in her practice that rounded on me during my hospital stay were telling me how "distraught" she was...poor thing! It didn't keep her from wearing her children's pictures all over her lab coat when she came to see me on my discharge day.
I'm just another patient to her and Lily was just another baby...
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Not ready yet...
I was trying to think of what I could do "good" for someone else in honor of Lily's birthday and the quick thought of donating her clothes to charity came to my mind. Why the thought came is beyond me because I'm so not ready...
Her clothes stayed in her drawers and her things stayed in her room until that room became her brother's room. I packed up her clothes, folded her crib bedding, and placed her stuffed animals into a large container...then, pushed that container into the closet...
Why have a large container of carefully chosen with love items to be unused...Logically, I know that they can be put to good use and that there is some sweet baby girl that could use them but my heart isn't *there* yet.
I don't know when my heart will get *there* but it doesn't feel like soon...sometimes, I wonder if I need to be tougher with myself and that I've put way too much thought behind items. She never used them but I bought them for her. There are certain items that I can touch and it takes me back to those days when I could feel inside of me...
I can't get rid of them because I want something to hold, to cling to when I need to feel how life felt with her here...
Her clothes stayed in her drawers and her things stayed in her room until that room became her brother's room. I packed up her clothes, folded her crib bedding, and placed her stuffed animals into a large container...then, pushed that container into the closet...
Why have a large container of carefully chosen with love items to be unused...Logically, I know that they can be put to good use and that there is some sweet baby girl that could use them but my heart isn't *there* yet.
I don't know when my heart will get *there* but it doesn't feel like soon...sometimes, I wonder if I need to be tougher with myself and that I've put way too much thought behind items. She never used them but I bought them for her. There are certain items that I can touch and it takes me back to those days when I could feel inside of me...
I can't get rid of them because I want something to hold, to cling to when I need to feel how life felt with her here...
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Jokes to deflect
I've reached a weird stage in the grieving process and that is acceptance with lying to strangers. I've come to a place where there isn't (much) guilt about just saying I have one child while talking to strangers. I've decided that when (most) people ask you if you have more kids that all they really want is a yes or no answers. Most don't really want to know all the other details in your life...
I now have a new joke (it's an old one to the world but one that I've just recently started throwing out) which is the old "one and done" addage. I've given up the fight that makes me want to tell everyone about her short life. Now, I should add that I do talk about her with people that I know I'm going to have a relationship with such as the moms in my community mom's group. They also know that I can't have anymore babies so I can put to rest the whole "so, when are you going to have another one?"
The need to tell the waitress who is ohhing and ahhing over Cooper on whether we have more kids or are going to have more kids has dwindled away. That's what the world does to you.
In my heart, I would love to be able to tell the dry cleaner, the waitress, the check-out girl at Pub.lix, the stranger in the Carter's section at BRU all about my sweet girl but why get the pity look from someone that you most likely will never see again? I would love to pour out my soul about how it feels to know that your body can never physically carry a baby again but why hear the "I'm sorry" when you know that they're just popping out the niceties? Maybe, they're giving real emotions but really, they won't think of Lily or my lost uterus within 10 minutes of the end of the conversation...
The world has given me some bitterness to replace the guilt but really, as her mommy, it's my job to keep her memory alive in our family and friends in the small part of the world that I call my own. We are the ones that love her. We are the ones that will never forget her and I think she knows that...actually, I'm sure that she does...
I now have a new joke (it's an old one to the world but one that I've just recently started throwing out) which is the old "one and done" addage. I've given up the fight that makes me want to tell everyone about her short life. Now, I should add that I do talk about her with people that I know I'm going to have a relationship with such as the moms in my community mom's group. They also know that I can't have anymore babies so I can put to rest the whole "so, when are you going to have another one?"
The need to tell the waitress who is ohhing and ahhing over Cooper on whether we have more kids or are going to have more kids has dwindled away. That's what the world does to you.
In my heart, I would love to be able to tell the dry cleaner, the waitress, the check-out girl at Pub.lix, the stranger in the Carter's section at BRU all about my sweet girl but why get the pity look from someone that you most likely will never see again? I would love to pour out my soul about how it feels to know that your body can never physically carry a baby again but why hear the "I'm sorry" when you know that they're just popping out the niceties? Maybe, they're giving real emotions but really, they won't think of Lily or my lost uterus within 10 minutes of the end of the conversation...
The world has given me some bitterness to replace the guilt but really, as her mommy, it's my job to keep her memory alive in our family and friends in the small part of the world that I call my own. We are the ones that love her. We are the ones that will never forget her and I think she knows that...actually, I'm sure that she does...
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