Excitement

I woke up this morning with a new sense of excitement about this adoption thing. I have a good feeling that we will be parents by the end of this year. I couldn't have said that I had the same feeling in January 2008 so getting pregnant was a huge surprise, and the blow of losing Lily even harder to swallow. But I am excited about wondering if maybe our birthmother is finding out that she is pregnant, and wondering what she will do~ I was a pro-lifer before and I'm going to be praying even harder now that these women choose to put there babies up for adoption rather than choosing their other alternative. What's 9 months when there are so many loving people wanting a child to love in their own homes but are unable to physically have children. I'll get off my soapbox now. My daydreams are off of the whole grand idea of getting pregnant again (for now at least), and are focused on getting the call from our adoption agency. We are fine tuning our adoption profile, and I may put it up here for your inspection one day soon.

The more the merrier in the prayer group that JenJen and Chuck will soon be parents.

Weakness

I was pulled to my bible today~ normally, I'm running short on time, and have been barely racing in the door at work on time, but today following the same schedule that I always do I was provided 15 extra minutes to do a bible study. I said outloud "Father, I know You're pulling me over here, speak to me through Your words"... I ended up in 2 Cornithians 12 and verse 8 shows the words of Jesus:

"My grace is sufficient for you, and for my power is made perfect in weakness."

A lightbulb went off in my heart and my brain~ I immediately started to talking to Him about how I've been carrying so much anger for all this pain that I have been through, and really He never said to me that because I am a believer that I would be provided with a life that wouldn't suffer trials...trials that should have me leaning on Him and gaining strength through Him to get through the pain. I foolishly have left it up to my human emotions and anti-depressants (as mentioned in pervious post) to get through this trial. I told Him that I miss Lily, but I've also missed talking to Him. I stupidly put God on the silent treatment, being the patient Father that He is, He knew that I would come back around...I thanked Him for taking care of my baby, and I know that she is having the best time... and that her mommy will rejoice in that FACT and look forward to the day that we will be rejoined.

So, here we go...May the healing begin...for His grace is sufficient for me.

Trying to pull it together, but falling apart...

I have been on an anti-depressant since Lily died, and I have been trying to wean myself off because I want to make sure that I'm truly handling my grief or is it being covered by the Zoloft. I've been doing the whole tapering it off because someone told me that if you quit cold turkey that it will make you suicidal. I'm sad, yes, but don't want to die. I have been noticing since last week that I feel incredibly anxious, and well, sad. I really do want to get away from taking the drugs, but now I'm thinking of starting again, because I tired, sad, anxiety-ridden...in essence, I feel like I'm loosing my mind (or what's left).

Will I ever be the same? My dh and I should probably get grief counseling, because we are both still just having such a tough time. I miss Lily every second of the day, and get so angry that she isn't here with me.

If you read my previous post...please, introduce yourself to Patty Pissedoff.

The United States Of JenJen

I'm already a huge fan of the Showtime show " The United States of Tara" about a married woman with 2 kids that has what layman would call Split personalities. The personalities of this woman are hilarious, but I was thinking about what an *interesting* disorder. So, I started looking at my ups and downs during the day and lightly decided that I have the same condition and started to give my personalities' names. I feel horrible for people that really have this condition, and I mean no harm, so play nicely if you leave a comment.

My personalities would be named:

Summer Sunshine~ she wakes up on the right side of the bed in the morning, smiles and wants to help everyone, and sees the world through rose colored glasses. When life throws you lemons make lemonade type of girl. Believes that God took Lily because He needed a new angel.

Patty Pissedoff~ Hates the world, and everyone around her for no particular reason. Believes God took Lily to punish her for being too sexually active in her early twenties.

Aimee Apathetic~ Doesn't want to get out of bed, and if she does, refuses to wear a bra. Aimee mostly comes out on the weekends. She wants to quit her job and run an Av.on website so that all bras can be burned and she would never leave the house again. Believes God took Lily because He worried that Lily would become a kid addicted to gamebox and wouldn't be interested in the Great Commission.

In reality I'm just a combination of all 3 of these personalities. I wake up every morning whether I want to or not, put on my bra because my girls will give me a black eye without one, question my decisions on my career and look back on all the guys I dated in the past and shrudder...this is the way that God made me~ love me or hate me~ I'm started to get a grip on myself as I trod into my thirties and can now look at myself and laugh. I'm glad that I'm finally getting to that point, and not feeling that I have to constantly modify myself for acceptance.

floating through...

Lately, I have been feeling like I'm just floating through life~ that I'm just watching time and life fly before my eyes. Normally, I am a very optimistic person, but I guess I'm just in a bit of a funk. I've been missing Lily even more lately~ I don't know why things are hitting me more now. I keep having flashbacks about how happy I was to be pregnant. I remember how thrilled I was to see the hpt say positive last year ON my 30th birthday. I'm dreading my birthday this year, because it will just remind me of how different my life is now. I go up and down with feeling more like the old JenJen~ but can you really ever be the same person when you've lost someone that you loved more than life itself?

I'm going to chunk most of this funk up to hormones, so maybe I'll be in better spirits tomorrow.

Ready...set...go...

I posted back in November about my hubby and I deciding that we were ready for adoption, but then decided to wait until I spoke to the specialist about the possiblity of another pregnancy in MY body...well, we all know how that went~

So, I contacted the adoption consultants that we're working with to go ahead and set up the "official" list of what we do and don't want for a birthmother, what we will be comfortable with as far as contact with the birthmother goes, and yes...even our preference of the baby's sex. I've put a lot of thought into the whole baby's sex issue...

And, I've pretty much decided that we're going to tell them that we would PREFER a girl...when I was pregnant I had to tell people the whole "I don't care what the sex of the baby is as long as it is healthy" business, which of course is the most important thing...but, now that I'm having to pay nearly $40,000 to get what some teenagers get from fooling around in a toyota...I'm prepared for a girl materially and emotionally, and I may have to wait a little bit longer for a baby, but after all we've been through already~ what's a few extra months? Some people may not agree with this decision, but I don't really care. We would love a baby boy just as much, but he may not want to sleep in the pink and brown ladybugs nursery that is set up, or wear all the girly clothes that are still in the dresser in the nursery.

Its hard letting go of getting pregnant again, but life must go on~

Thank you!

I work in a nursing home, my background is in social work, but currently I am the admissions director for the facility. My favorite part of my job is developing relationships with the residents and their families. Not just the standard "if there is anything that I can do for you..." business, but the type of relationships that I know when their grandkids are having recitials and what kind of diet that they are on~ those kind of relationships.

So, I was talking to one of my resident's daughters today, who recently lost a sister. She is having a real hard time with the loss of her sister because her death was so sudden. While she was talking about how hard it is to not be with her sister anymore, she stopped and said "I'm sure you know exactly how I feel after losing your daughter." Wow~ someone actually acknowledged and honoured my daughter in the light that she should be...not just as a baby, but as a human being with significant value. I did tell her that losing my daughter as given me a greater empathy and capacity to understand the pain of losing a loved one, a quality that I did not possess prior to Lily's death.

I can't tell you how thrilled (for lack of a better word) that someone took two seconds to acknowledge that, although brief, Lily's life was just as valuable as anyone elses~ and for that I'm grateful.