What to expect when you're expecting...

** Spoiler Alert **  I'm giving my opinion on the new movie "What to expect when you're expecting" so don't read this post if you plan on seeing this and don't want my opinion...

I went to see this movie on Saturday in the spirit of (almost) always being a good friend even to my own detriment and it fulfilled all my expectations which were really, really low.  I'm not one of those rom-com kinda girls anyways but a couple of my girlfriends wanted to see it and hey, I could use a night out so I said "sure!".  It's one of those smorgasbord actor movies with a bunch of big names in it and it was filmed locally so I pushed my uterusless/baby longing emotions to the side and decided that it couldn't hurt...

Okay, here are a few of the things that pissed me off most in the movie:

1.  I was actually surprised to see that they included a miscarriage in the movie and I was like "finally, some realism in this B.O.S movie!" but yeah, they sugar coated the miscarriage issue entirely.  For one thing, it happened to the couple that got pregnant after a one night stand.  I guess it happening to the couple that had been trying for 2 years to get pregnant would just be too sad.  That pisses me off because they made the situation into "well, she must have miscarried because it wasn't the right time in her life" thing.  Which one of the last sentences spoken by this woman was "I'll have another chance when the time is right".   They didn't even scrape the surface of mourning a miscarriage with the closest attempt being a line "It hurts too much to look at your face right now" spoken by the girl to the guy.  You saw her cry right when she got the news but I didn't see any other tears and it turned into a "you don't have to be with me" now issue and not so much a "I just lost a human being inside me" issue.

2.  One of the couples is looking to adopt and they decide to do an international adoption.  What a beautiful idea but then they magically get selected a few weeks after their home study!  I mean, come on!  J Lo loses her job at the aquarium and she doesn't once blink an eye that they can no longer afford their expensive international adoption but more that she can no longer afford her dream house.  You don't see one second worth of the bureaucratic paper work crap that follows a domestic or international adoption.  You don't see them going to the FBI office to be fingerprinted.  They do their home study and magically they get a baby...how wonderful!

3.  One of the ladies ends up with a c-section and the moment that the baby is born there is a medical emergency and the dad is forced out of the room.  His sadness was actually believable but they turned it into a moment where this guy and his dad can make up.  I have serious triggers related to pregnancy emergencies and they trivialized every woman's fear of something happening during their c-section.  My only remedy would be to suggest leaving that whole scenario out or at least do it respectfully!  The nurse comes in and says "she's awake" and that's that...how wonderful! ::eye roll::

As you can tell, I'm not a fan.  I went with a group of very fertile women who have never lost a baby...so, they loved it!

I feel like a total outsider these days...

Walking a fine line...

I feel like I'm walking a fine line when it comes to being a good friend but wanting to preserve my mental state.  I'm surrounded by pregnant women and new babies these days.  I feel like I'm dropping off a meal to an excited family with a new baby with a fake smile plastered on my face.  I fake eagerness to hold their new little human that smells so good but then reluctantly hand them back their new bundle of joy.  I've done this song and dance so many times.  I did this awkward dance the almost 2 years while trying to get pregnant, then after losing Lily and I do this stupid dance all.the.effin.time now.

You should hear the conversations in my head.  Maybe, you shouldn't because they make me feel crazy.  The conversations about being selfless and being a good friend.  The conversations about the unfairness in this world.  The conversations about where God is is in all this mess.  I know I'm not less deserving to have both of my children or be able to give Cooper a sibling but alas, God seems to think so...

I laugh at conversations (in my head) amongst friends while they chatter on about if they want to have "one more baby" as they say it as it's a given.  Oh, to have that arrogance...

I get bitter as I listen to friends talk about their second pregnancies being so much different then their first because  this time around they're chasing after their toddler.  Wow, what a bother to take care of that living child on yours.  On Friday, I listened to a friend actually say that she's not as naive this pregnancy about not losing the baby and that she's actually nervous this time.  For her, I feel nervous for her because being pregnant isn't a guarantee that you'll bring a baby home.  She's never experienced a loss but at least she's not being arrogant.  All I could say as I listened to her talk was say "Yeah..." but I couldn't elaborate and actually got busy putting away picnic stuff because I don't have it in me to encourage others during pregnancy right now.  Right now, I'm just sick of being around pregnant people.  But, I smile and listen to these conversations while rolling my eyes in my head.  I have to be a good friend, right?  No one cares about being a good friend to me and maybe, ask just one time if I'm okay...

Oy, it's Mother's Day and I miss my girl.  I'm pissed that my Mother's Day will never feel complete...

Lily's lilies

I guess I should explain Lily's lilies to new readers just so you have a frame of reference.  It took us nearly 2 years to get pregnant with Lily and my hubby bought me an Easter Lily for Easter 2007.  I thought it was so beautiful so we planted it in our little patch of yard in front of our town home.  We also decided that we just loved the name Lily and would name our daughter Lily if we were ever blessed with a daughter...and, we were blessed with her but not in the way that we dreamed of...

This morning, I was just delighted to see the first flower to bloom!  I don't believe in coincidences so what makes this even more special is that 4 years ago this week was the first time that we saw her heartbeat!  I believe in signs and I believe that she's telling me that she's doing great...

Thank you, precious one!  I love you!