Wednesday, February 2, 2011

There will be days like this~

Most days I function really well. I live my life and I carry my smile around for the whole world to see. Today was one of those days where I wasn't angry but really just in emotional pain. Helpless is a good word. What can you do when your firstborn is dead? You can't change it.

It started at MOPS when a well meaning fellow mom asked me how I was doing with my pregnancy. Yeah, she got me confused with another mommy. She didn't know that I don't have a uterus. I am barren. But, she did ask me about Lily which is so rare because most people avoid her like the plague. It was nice to talk about her and especially when I know that the person is comfortable with the subject of pregnancy loss. It's crazy to me that in this day and time that people act like pregnancy loss is contagious or that it's too sad to talk about.

Oh, and then there was lunch at Chick-fil-a and the barrage of 2 year old little girls. Ugh. I love all kids but today was one of those days where I could've done without all the cute girlie outfits and hairbows. I swear I would've lost it if I heard that any of these little girls were named Lily. It's one of those days.

Tomorrow will be 3o months without her. Shouldn't this be easier? I mean, you do get on with life and learn to live with the tears that you cry alone but, this still really, really hurts.


trennia said...

I know how you feel.
I hear Emily's name almost everywhere I go, and the other day a person I don't know was treating her little girls badly and I said out loud,"I don't know why people mistreat little kids,treat me that away see what you get!"
I just get so upset seeing these kids drugged through a store and a mother cursing and raising her voice! I'm so sorry Jen...I know what you mean about being barren it's so hard :(

Beth said...

I'm so sorry Jen. :( I can only imagine how hard all of those little things were to go through...they add up, I know.

I noticed the 30 month mark with Ada, too. Can you believe 2 1/2 years have passed since we held our firstborn babies?

Rhiannon said...

I am sorry you had such a rough day. No matter what happy things may happen in our lives we will always grieve for and miss our daughters. It is so unfair and so heartbreaking. Thinking of you and sweet Lily. <3

Melissa said...

Thinking of you

Antoinette said...


I know I dont *know* how you feel...but in regards to the girls and living without all the cute outfits and bows in the stores and outside i totally know what you mean (((hugs))) the bad days are just that, BAD...hoping you have some good ones tomorrow xoxo

Mother Knows Best Reviews said...

I totally understand this. I had no idea that Madeleine's name was so popular when I had her... but I hear it everywhere now, and it makes me so sad.

brigette said...

Im so sorry. Days like this are so hard! Sending you so many loves and hugs!!

Anonymous said...

so sorry you had a rough day!

Bree said...

Sending love, Jen. I don't know if it will ever get easier. Thinking of Lily. xo