Boston, then and now...

Boston, May 2008

Boston, June 2011

The first time I went to Boston was Memorial day weekend 2008 and I was 14-15 weeks pregnant with Lily. I was so happy to be pregnant and even bought her a gender neutral onesie because we didn't know the gender yet. She never got to wear that onesie and instead it was handed down to her little brother.

I went to Boston last weekend with my bestfriend of 25 years. My very first girl's trip and my bf had never been to Boston so we decided to go there for the weekend. Actually, I had worried about the Lily triggers as I made hotel reservations. I thought about the memories of my last trip as I boarded the plane to return to this awesome city. I only cried once but she was a constant thought as I walked the cobble stone streets toward Paul Revere's house and the Old North Church. I wonder if I cried for her or for the Jen that will never be again...

The top pic is from that first trip with Lily tucked safely inside of me. Who would've known while I sat on that fountain that I would have such a short time left with her?

The second pic is from last weekend. I knew it was going to be in the 60's and rainy so I packed my Boston sweatshirt that I purchased on my last trip. I feel like I've aged so much from one pic to the next. I've definitely gained a lot of weight which I have been working on.

We ended the night with having a drink in a pub and I had a lump in my throat as I drank some fruity cocktail that I didn't even really enjoy. My only goal was to try not to cry from missing her so much as I gulped down my drink.

3 years ago today...

We were told that Lily was a boy. Before Lily died, the sex of the baby was important to me. I was innocent and secretly was hoping for a girl. Ugh, I wish I could slap that old Jennifer. Really, I was such an idiot!

We found out she was a girl about 3 weeks later and lost her about a month later...I miss that happy go lucky heart, I really do...

It's a different type of grieving...

First, I mean no disrespect to those of you that have yet to have a rainbow baby. Second, I'm writing here instead of Cooper's blog because I don't ever want him to feel like he's not enough.

Really, I'm just now starting to grieve the loss of my childbearing ability. My mindset when I first found out about the hysterectomy when I was pregnant with Cooper was to not worry about it until later. My main concern was getting Cooper here safely. I guess the "later" is now.

I guess this is all coming about now because my rainbow baby is 19 months which is normally around the time when people start planning on adding another baby to the family. It seems that there are pregnancy announcements popping up everywhere these days and I don't want people to not include me in their happy news but inside, it hurts.

I know that there are some people that purposely only have one child and I wish that I could get my heart to that point. I'm warning those friends in real-life that read this blog that if you give me that "just be happy you're blessed with the one child" line, that I will go ape-sh*t on you. Anyone that truly knows me knows that I worship the ground that Cooper crawls on. He's the most precious person in the entire world to me. I can't imagine my life without him and I love him with every single breath that I take in and out. But, that doesn't take away the desire to have another baby.

I love the people that can pop out babies like there's no tomorrow giving the response "just adopt!" as if that's so easy. First, adoption takes a lot of money (try $25,000-$40,000) and that's just to get the baby in our house. Then, we get to start spending the money that "normal" people get to spend like health care costs, college fund, etc. I just want to be "normal", damn it.

Obviously, my body isn't made for having babies because I almost died having the first one and death was always a possibly in my second pregnancy after the placenta increta was discovered. My uterus was useless. I am not made for carrying babies. I wish God would just take that desire out of my heart.

So, I grieve for my first baby that I'll never know on earth and I grieve for all the babies that I'll never have the chance to know at all.

I wonder what normal feels like...

I sometimes wonder what "normal" feels like...

In the last 3 years this has been my life; 2 surgeries to repair reproductive organs and 17 months of trying to conceive, losing Lily to a uterine rupture which is one of the rarest catastrophes to happen in a pregnancy, getting pregnant with Cooper and then developing placenta increta (again super rare), Cooper being born at 31 weeks, hysterectomy at 31 years old, and then all of Cooper's trials with his hypotonia. Really, I'm exhausted just reading the list but then I lived it and still deal with some of these issues on a daily basis.

To those of you that get pregnant easy or hell, can get pregnant, please, cherish the blessing! I'm as sterile as sterile comes and it's starting to hurt with all of these pregnancy announcements. I'm truly happy for all of the pregnant women but gosh, it hurts to know that I'll never have another chance.

For those that get pregnant and have uneventful pregnancies, relish in your innocence! I can't even imagine how that must feel...To bring home every baby that you've been pregnant with, wow, what a true blessing. Kiss and tell these precious babies, how much you love them everyday.

For those with completely healthy children and only have the "normal" stuff to worry about, how I envy you! I really can't stand to hear people whine when their kids aren't walking at a year old...ugh...but, I don't want to regress...

I just really, really wonder what it must feel like to have a "normal" life. I know everyone has trials but it just seems like my deck seems a lot heavier than many around me.

Yes, I'm back...I just can't stay away!

I was reading a great article in this month's Parent's magazine regarding parents that have fought to change laws after their child dies in a (mostly) preventable and tragic accident. One of the moms said something so *perfect* that I just had to come out of blog vacation and share:

"Just because we're still talking about our child doesn't mean we aren't moving on. We are moving on and taking him with us."

THIS is how I feel! I've said it before and I'll say it again, I live life everyday and 98% of that time with a smile on my face. I've dealt with more in the last 3 years (and, to extent on a daily basis with my rainbow's muscle condition) than most people will ever experience and most people (not to brag!) ask me how I always manage to be positive. I think there is some misperception by friends and family that I'm somehow still stuck but I'm not! I still have moments where I'm not "okay" that losing Lily (and, my hysterectomy) is the deck of cards that God handed to me BUT I live with it, still praising God and with a smile on my face.

Sometimes, I feel like walking away from Lily's blog and not look back but I feel like she wants me to stay here and help. This blog isn't my emotional crutch, I don't need her blog to help me cope with my grief, I really don't. I stay because I hope to help. I can't crusade to change laws so another woman won't experience a uterine rupture or that another woman won't ever experience the stabbing loss of giving birth to a dead baby. What I can do is offer love and support to other grieving moms in her memory. She keeps me here to offer my moments so that others will know that it's normal to feel this way. She keeps me here so that I can read that post on a blm's blog that screams "help me, I feel like I'm drowning in the pain" and offer words of encouragement.

So, my blog vacation lasted almost a week. What can I say, I just love this community and the friends that I've made here. I'll leave when I'm good and ready and if that doesn't happen...well, I hope you guys don't mind my company, lol...

Also, I can't comment on any blogs right now for some reason so please, know that I'm reading and hope to comment soon!

Internet vacation

I've decided to take an internet vacation! I'm taking a break from blogging and closing my fb account. Really, I started Lily's blog as a way to move through my grief but I've come to the conclusion that I need to step back.

In some ways, I think staying in bloggingland as kept me in some level of grief that I need to push through. I really love so many of you here so know that I'll be back!

Thank you for your friendship, love and support. This community will always be in my prayers!

Love,
Jen
Lily's mommy

They've bloomed!

Lily's lilies started to bloom over the weekend and they're just lovely! I get such a smile on my face as I back out of my driveway and see these lovelies!

This pic was taken on Sunday and more have bloomed since then. I swear they're so tall that they look like Lily trees!