I wonder what normal feels like...

I sometimes wonder what "normal" feels like...

In the last 3 years this has been my life; 2 surgeries to repair reproductive organs and 17 months of trying to conceive, losing Lily to a uterine rupture which is one of the rarest catastrophes to happen in a pregnancy, getting pregnant with Cooper and then developing placenta increta (again super rare), Cooper being born at 31 weeks, hysterectomy at 31 years old, and then all of Cooper's trials with his hypotonia. Really, I'm exhausted just reading the list but then I lived it and still deal with some of these issues on a daily basis.

To those of you that get pregnant easy or hell, can get pregnant, please, cherish the blessing! I'm as sterile as sterile comes and it's starting to hurt with all of these pregnancy announcements. I'm truly happy for all of the pregnant women but gosh, it hurts to know that I'll never have another chance.

For those that get pregnant and have uneventful pregnancies, relish in your innocence! I can't even imagine how that must feel...To bring home every baby that you've been pregnant with, wow, what a true blessing. Kiss and tell these precious babies, how much you love them everyday.

For those with completely healthy children and only have the "normal" stuff to worry about, how I envy you! I really can't stand to hear people whine when their kids aren't walking at a year old...ugh...but, I don't want to regress...

I just really, really wonder what it must feel like to have a "normal" life. I know everyone has trials but it just seems like my deck seems a lot heavier than many around me.

Yes, I'm back...I just can't stay away!

I was reading a great article in this month's Parent's magazine regarding parents that have fought to change laws after their child dies in a (mostly) preventable and tragic accident. One of the moms said something so *perfect* that I just had to come out of blog vacation and share:

"Just because we're still talking about our child doesn't mean we aren't moving on. We are moving on and taking him with us."

THIS is how I feel! I've said it before and I'll say it again, I live life everyday and 98% of that time with a smile on my face. I've dealt with more in the last 3 years (and, to extent on a daily basis with my rainbow's muscle condition) than most people will ever experience and most people (not to brag!) ask me how I always manage to be positive. I think there is some misperception by friends and family that I'm somehow still stuck but I'm not! I still have moments where I'm not "okay" that losing Lily (and, my hysterectomy) is the deck of cards that God handed to me BUT I live with it, still praising God and with a smile on my face.

Sometimes, I feel like walking away from Lily's blog and not look back but I feel like she wants me to stay here and help. This blog isn't my emotional crutch, I don't need her blog to help me cope with my grief, I really don't. I stay because I hope to help. I can't crusade to change laws so another woman won't experience a uterine rupture or that another woman won't ever experience the stabbing loss of giving birth to a dead baby. What I can do is offer love and support to other grieving moms in her memory. She keeps me here to offer my moments so that others will know that it's normal to feel this way. She keeps me here so that I can read that post on a blm's blog that screams "help me, I feel like I'm drowning in the pain" and offer words of encouragement.

So, my blog vacation lasted almost a week. What can I say, I just love this community and the friends that I've made here. I'll leave when I'm good and ready and if that doesn't happen...well, I hope you guys don't mind my company, lol...

Also, I can't comment on any blogs right now for some reason so please, know that I'm reading and hope to comment soon!

Internet vacation

I've decided to take an internet vacation! I'm taking a break from blogging and closing my fb account. Really, I started Lily's blog as a way to move through my grief but I've come to the conclusion that I need to step back.

In some ways, I think staying in bloggingland as kept me in some level of grief that I need to push through. I really love so many of you here so know that I'll be back!

Thank you for your friendship, love and support. This community will always be in my prayers!

Love,
Jen
Lily's mommy

They've bloomed!

Lily's lilies started to bloom over the weekend and they're just lovely! I get such a smile on my face as I back out of my driveway and see these lovelies!

This pic was taken on Sunday and more have bloomed since then. I swear they're so tall that they look like Lily trees!

Heaven is for Real

****Spoiler alert! I just got done reading this book so don't read this post if you plan on reading the book! This is your friendly warning******

I bought Heaven is for Real at Cost.co the other day and started reading it during Cooper's afternoon nap. I couldn't put the book down! It's ahhhhmazing! Quick summary, a little boy visits Heaven during a surgery for a ruptured appendix. He starts talking to his family about meeting God, Jesus, and what Heaven looks like about 4 months after his surgery. He knew things about Jesus and Heaven that 4 year olds just don't know and I don't care how often that 4 year old goes to church! What was truly amazing was that he met his sister in Heaven that he didn't know his mom had miscarried prior to getting pregnant with him. This part of the story is what had me sobbing and gasping for air.

As a Believer and a mother to baby that was born straight into the arms of Jesus, the very thought of seeing her again in Heaven is what sustains me. I seriously know that every night that I lay my head on the pillow that I'm one day closer to seeing her again. I'm 100% confident in His promise to me. I guess, I just always kinda wondered what she'll look like or how old she'll be, those types of things.

In the book, the mom has an early miscarriage, I guess around 8 weeks or so, but in Heaven, the baby which turns out to be a girl is a little girl. So, she's not a baby in Heaven but a little girl. He asks her what her name is but she says that she doesn't have one which makes sense because the miscarriage happened way before you would know the sex of a baby so therefore the family didn't give the baby a name. Although, many families do give names to early pregnancy loss babies which I think is beautiful but this family did not and that's fine, too!

The mom in this story had been carrying around so much guilt because she felt that her body failed her baby. How many of us feel this guilt? The Lord knows that I still have problems with blaming myself. It's kinda weird but I actually felt some liberation when I had my hysterectomy because I felt like my uterus was getting what it deserved. Gosh, that sounds strange, but it's true! The guilt comes and goes even almost 34 months after Lily's death. I can't help it but I'm going to start trying to forgive myself, I mean, really, really forgiving myself.

Anyways, I highly recommend it to my fellow Believers and babyloss momma friends! It's a quick read, I seriously read it in 3 hours!

Why, oh why?

I try not to watch too much tv while Cooper is around to protect those delicate brain neurons but I'm kinda in a blah-ish mood today so decided to watch House while Cooper played with his toys. I should've known to keep roaming the channels but I decided to go ahead and watch the episode about sick babies in the nicu. I thought to myself "okay, I can do this..." Thinking back, I was already kinda sad so why not heap on an extra helping...what do they call this? Masochistic?

One of the babies die which is totally heartbreaking but then they showed the mom's reaction to the news which took my flashback scale to a whole new level. Which made me think of my own reaction to Lily's death...I was in complete shock. I really don't think I cried but I do remember hyperventilating and saying "this can't be happening to me." I was just so sick and got progressively worse so they just kept drugging me up. I don't think I really, really got to cry and grieve until I was taken off the ventilator and the nurse very kindly told me "tell me when you're ready for your daughter..." I totally lost it then. I remember thinking to myself "please, put me back to sleep. I don't want this reality." But, it's been my reality now for 33 months. I'm crying right now just thinking back to those early days.

One of the ladies on the episode pondered if her and her husband's marriage would survive if their baby died. One of the wisest things my mil ever said to us following Lily's death was that a child's death will either make your marriage or break your marriage. (for new readers, my in-laws had a son that died during childbirth. My hubby was adopted 2 years following his death. My in-laws have been married for 52 years.) Our marriage did evolve after Lily's death. Now, we've always been madly in love, really since our second date, but our love has grown so much deeper and truer since losing Lily. We've held each other while we've cried, he's held the pillow for me while I beat the crap out of it during my anger stages, we have a secret language now that tells the other one "hey, I'm having a missing Lily moment". Those moments require no spoken words because we can see it in each other's eyes.

Needless, to say, the tv is off again...

We're getting so close!

To Lily's lilies being in bloom! They're going to be gigantic this year!

Last night...

I had one of those moments.

I was with my book club and 3 of the ladies have given birth to baby girls in the last 6 months. It's not the baby girl part that sadden me, actually. It was all the talk of smock dresses, going to tea parties and the other girlie things that stabbed me in the heart. I'll never have that. Adoption or surrogacy is just so hard that it seems unfathomable that we'll grow our family that way.

I guess I went last night in a vulnerable state anyways. I've been missing Lily and quite frankly, Delilah, a lot the last few days. I think the walk sparked some longing in my heart again, well, that longing is always there but it hasn't been so dorminant the last few days. And, how crazy is it to miss your cat? She was just always there to give me extra love and she just "listened", ya know? Just listening is a rarity in humans. I recently decided to stop being so open with one person in my life because they just always want to give advice when sometimes I just want someone to listen.

I'm just in a pity party mood, I guess!

March for Babies 2011

The walk on Saturday was really awesome! The weather was a godsend with low 70's as we made the 5.5 mile walk...I thought of Lily and how I probably wouldn't have been walking if we hadn't lost her. I thought of what we could've been doing instead but alas, I should learn that's all a silly daydream...

I always buy a big bouquet of flowers for Lily when we have a big occasion. I light her candle and just imagine that she's here...

Share's table at the walk. I met with the founder, Marcia, who has done so much for our community...

Mommy's heart for Lily at Share's table...

Our sign that I carried for 5 miles because I carried my 6 year old niece on my back for the last half mile...

My rainbow baby, Cooper and I right before the walk~ for those of you that don't know or don't follow my rainbow blog, Cooper was born at 31 weeks!