When A Baby Dies

Dear Lily,

Tomorrow is the walk and I miss you. Please, know that I still think of you everyday. Like this video says "missing you is an eternal pain that will never leave me." Mommy loves you. Mommy will think of you with every step tomorrow.

I will see you one day. I will kiss your cheeks one day. Until then, I love you with my all my heart. Today I will give your brother double the kisses and send them all to you, my love.

Forever,
Mommy

The Cord

We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!

Author Unknown

Lily bloom :)

I saw this purse at Sears today and loved it immediately and loved it even more when I saw that the brand name was Lily bloom! The most awesome thing about this purse is that it's fabric is made of recycled plastic bottles!

I wish I would've bought it yesterday so I could've posted a pic in honor of Earth day...

So, win-win for Lily's mommy! It's named Lily bloom and it's eco-friendly :) Oh, and it retails for $65 but I found it for 50% off at Sears! Score!

Here are two examples of how I feel that I'm *better* regarding Lily's death...

1. I heard someone say that their daughter's name was Lily and it didn't even phase me. Afterall, it's not like I own her name.

2. Our church is having a Mother and daughter luncheon and I'm *okay* with it. Whereas, last year at Mother's day, this would've depressed me.

One way I still HATE that she's not here...

I went to get a mani/pedi this morning and a dad was there with his daughter getting a mani. I feel sorry for my hubby still that he won't experience these types of activities. I've learned to live with the things that I will never do with Lily but I still feel bad for what my hubby is missing.

A prayer of thanksgiving this morning!

For the safe arrival of Ann's rainbow baby, Adrian! Welcome to the world little guy! You have a whole host of honorary aunties that love you to pieces!

Congrats and ((hugs)) to Ann and her entire family on this joyous occasion!

* To my non-blm readers, a rainbow baby is a baby that is born after a pregnancy loss. The rainbow signifies the beauty that comes after the storm...

A few thank you's

I love to see Lily's name and my heart was made happy a few times over the last week!

Sarita made these beautiful tags for Lily and they're just precious!

Thank you to Trennia for remembering my sweet girl while she was on vacation!

Brigette sent Lily a balloon for her sweet Kael's 3rd birthday!

I am still doing Lily's House of Hope and your requests (for blms) can be made to lilysmommy8308@yahoo.com

Rabbit Hole

I have no idea why my posts aren't in paragraphs instead of one long paragraph. Anyone know how to fix this problem? I'm out of ideas and I apologize! Have any of you seen this movie? It's about a couple learning how to live their life again following their son's death. It's really depressing but I guess there isn't anyway to make a movie about a child's death into a "light" movie, now is there? I was partically interested in the scene where they're at support group and this couple is talking about how their daughter's death was God's plan and that God needed another angel. The mom in the movie interrupts the parent's to say "He's God, why didn't He just make another angel?" Now, every momma in the babyloss community has received both of these comments and normally they come from well-meaning (albeit, clueless) people. And, I believe the first statement that God does have a plan and I don't have to be in agreement with this plan. But, I don't buy the second comment about God needing angels. I'm not a theologican by any means but I know that when we die that we don't become angels. We die and we go to Heaven if we've accepted Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior. I believe though that babies are too young to make this decision and to go to Heaven when they die. (Please, email me with any questions related to these statements! These are my personal beliefs and this is my blog...so there!) Another part of the movie is when the mom and grandma (her mom) are packing up the son's belongings and putting them away in attempts to sell their house. The grandma also had a child die so the mom asks her if the pain ever goes away. I liked the grandma's answer and paraphrasing here, she's basically says that your child's death changes you because of the weight that you carry. She compared the grief to carrying a rock in your pocket. You carry the rock in your pocket and you get used to carrying the extra weight and sometimes you pull that rock out of your pocket and feel the pain all over again. I think this is true regardless of the type of loss that you carry. Long time readers will know that I strongly discourage people from making their loss greater than someone elses. I don't compare misscarriage vs stillbirth vs infant death vs older child's death. Someone's grief is all relative. Anyhow, I know that there are days when I skip through the world with a smile on my face and no one would ever know what I carry in my heart but there are other days when the weight is carried all over my body. The weight in my heart is too much. Those days are less and the lighter days are more but I still feel that rock in my pocket. I've accepted this rock in my pocket but I'll never be okay with carrying it. I'd much rather feel the weight of my daughter rather than the weight of this rock but I guess that's my life in a different rabbit hole...

2 years, 8 months, 1 week and 5 days...

That's how long it will have taken me when I go to my first baby shower since losing Lily, other than my shower for Cooper, on Friday. And, really the only reason that I can wholeheartedly go to this one is because she's having a boy. I must be the most selfish person on the entire planet because I would fake a dentist appointment if she were having a girl. I'm even bringing an appetizer so this is something that I have to plan ahead for and go buy a gift. Now, I have bought girl gifts for my blms that have girl rainbow babies and this doesn't bother me at all! But, friends who have baby girls will receive a greeting card with a gift card inside. Yeah, I don't know if that puts me on the crappy friend scale or not! Hey, it's one step forward even if I'm still not ready for girl baby showers but one step forward is better than two steps back!

I wrote a whole post on Friday about some things stirring in my spirit lately but God gave me some answers today. He always does that...answering right on time. If I allow my human heart to speak than I would say that He started answering my question almost 3 years too late BUT things will never work out on our timetable! I feel peace with my stirrings so my human heart is being quieted so that it can hear what God wants me to. With that being said, I've decided to take a break from Facebook because I feel it's taking up too much of my free time. I try to only get on when Cooper is in bed whether that's a nap or at night (he always wakes up before me!) but I know I could be doing more productive things with my time. I have a lot of blogging friends on facebook but don't fret, I'm not leaving blogging world! I feel like I get more out of my blogs than I do facebook, really! To be honest, I feel like Facebook has made us into a world full of acquaintances! People that SHOULD HAVE called me on my birthday only wrote on my wall...I have a problem with that, actually! And, I've found some recent disappointment in people when you try to be more intimate (nothing taboo!) with them. Anyways, I don't want to digress into all that mess! Again, I'll be around here but wanted to let my facebook friends know why I'm no longer commenting on everything that you post about :) So, Cooper is in his crib and in the process of falling asleep so I'm going to go be productive now :) Jen, Lily and Cooper's mommy!

Thank you~

Thank you for your kind words and support on my last post. Lily has certainly lead me to a wonderful group of friends which is what I considered all of you! Friends are people that make you laugh and smile when you need them and give words of encouragement exactly when you're down. I hope I've done the same for you :) Sweet Sarita is offering her beautiful handmade tags to blms for their babies. Go over and give her a visit!

Why am I still here..

on Lily's blog, that is... I made a handful of blogging friends around the time that Lily died and none of them really write on their baby's blog anymore. This has me wondering why I still come here so much. I guess I still come here because this is the only place that I can talk about every feeling that crosses my heart. I don't have to be all confetti and unicorns here. I hope that I've helped others and that I can continue to do so with Lily's memory being my motivating factor. I want to help to make her proud. I hope I can give comfort to another grieving mom by just one post... This blog has been a road map of my progress from deep dark despair to a place of a happy calm...I wrote when I wanted to die (and, I really did in the early days) and now I write because I still have so much to live for... I think I really blog here a lot still because the rest of the world has left her behind but this blog, Lily's blog, keeps her memory alive...my memories of her. My love for her is displayed here for anyone and everyone to see and I guess, I really like that idea.

Blah, blah, blah

My in-laws visited this weekend and overall the time with them was pleasant which hasn't always been the case. Really, the only time this weekend that they truly irked me was when they went on and on and on about how much easier it is to take care of a boy than a girl. Here's a quote "ugh, could you imagine changing a poopie diaper on a baby girl!" Really? I would've LOVED to have changed just one of Lily's diapers... Now, I got those comments about girl babies vs boy babies all the time from well-meaning strangers when I was pregnant and right after Cooper was born BUT people that know/love/care for me would NEVER say those comments to me. So, one must come to the conclusion that they are just totally clueless knowing that these two people do know/love/care for me. So, I love them and they're both close to 80 so what can you do? It's not worth mentioning to them because really, I don't think they will ever change.