A sign from Lily

I never missed church before we lost Lily. I went on Sundays and Wednesday nights. I even belonged to a woman's bible study. I loved being at church and fellowshiping with other believers/followers of Jesus Christ. I went through a rebellious stage after we lost Lily. My bible collected dust. I went days without praying. However, I always knew He was there and that she was close by...

This rebellion lasted about 8 months and coincidentally we got pregnant with Cooper the very next month. Again, I started going back to church religiously until I was put into the hospital at 24 weeks but I belong to a huge church that is televised so I watched church on t.v. in my hospital bed. We started going back to church the first Sunday in April (RSV season was over) and one of the songs that we sang was "Shout to the Lord" which some of you may know is Lily's song. I thought "wow, how neat that this would be the song that we would sing on the Sunday that we came back!"

We've missed several weeks due to Cooper's stranger anxiety and seperation anxiety. Both of these anxieties seemed to happen overnight, like one day he was totally cool with other people than all of a sudden, he hated everyone other than my hubby and me. Interestingly enough, these anxieties ended the same way! He's back to a social butterfly!

We went back to church this morning and what song do they sing but "Shout to the Lord!" I started crying, yes, in the middle of church infront of God and everyone. It's like she was telling me that she was happy that we were back in the Lord's house. I can't explain it any other way! I felt like she was all around me during the service...I was sad to leave...

OH, how I miss her so much still...

3:45 AM

3:45 AM is the time that I woke up this morning. I've been awake every since...

I woke up suddenly and my mind was consumed with Lily. I wanted to cry but the tears didn't fall but my heart hurt. I felt like I was going to throw up actually. My whole body was in agony last night with missing her. I try to not focus on the negative aspect of grieving which is idiotic...how do you even do that?

I've done it the last month or so by keeping myself busy and not allowing myself the stabs in the heart. The stabs that come from noticing that the heart shape sticker in the Walgreen's ad for the flu shot has the name Lily written on it. The stabs that come from walking through the therapy waiting room and hearing "okay, Lily, it's your turn!" The stabs are everywhere...

I just miss her. The days have turned into weeks and the weeks in months and the months into years and the grief still stabs...