My sister, neice and I went to see Mamma Mia last weekend and we had such a great time. My sister is one of my favorite human beings...and, her kids are just as special to me. My neice turns 11 next Wednesday and this show was a part of her birthday present because she loves the movie and knows every word to every ABBA song!

There is a part of the show where Donna is singing "Slipping through my fingers" to Sophie...and, I look over and my sister is holding her daughter's hand...and, a lump forms in my throat and I start to cry just a little bit. Of course, I could blame it on the sweet moment in the show but in actuality...there was hurt that I won't teach Lily about life and love...I will never have the opportunity to raise her to be a wonderful woman and set her out into the world...

And, for that I'm sad.

**Aimee, I know you will read this and don't you dare apologize and think that you did something to make me sad. I love you!**

Update on prayer request...

I just wanted to update you on the family that I asked you to pray for from my birthboard. The autopsy was done and it appears that Nolan died from complications from RSV and undiagnosed sleep apnea. Please, continue to hold this family up in your prayers as many of us know the heartbreak of losing a baby...

It's selfish but her loss has taught me to appreciate every second with Cooper. It's sometime overwhelming being a new mommy but I won't be complaining of sleeping less or any other trivial complaint again...

Say a prayer today for a heartbroken family...

One of the mothers on my birthboard had a post today to tell us that her baby died yesterday morning. I don't know the details but I'm assuming SIDS...I have only a tiny glimpse of what she must be feeling right now but my heart is broken for her. I can't imagine going to sleep and waking up to find your baby dead. Ugh, it brings tears to my eyes...

I immediately got up from the computer to kiss my napping Cooper. Events like this put things in perspective...

Please, say a prayer for this family today that God will comfort them during their time of need...

A year and a half...

Lily has been gone for 18 months...a year and a half...6 months away from her second Heavenly birthday. I started this blog 21 days after she died...as a way to get my true emotions out into the world. I had to come here because I didn't feel as if the people in my life really cared about how I was feeling about my daughter's death, outside of my hubby, my sis and a few select friends. This post started it all...

I read a lot of baby loss blogs..some of them are blogs of mommies that I met in the very beginning and some of the blogs are new dbms in our community. I feel a slew of emotions when I start reading a new blog of a mommy that has recently lost a baby. I go from sympathy to protectiveness. I get mad for her when she writes about people ignoring her feelings and wanting her to get on with her life. I cry with her when she has those days when she doesn't know if she can go on another day. I, in turn, have a slew of emotions when I read the blogs of women that I "met" when I first lost Lily...they range from empathy to "thank God, I'm not crazy for still feeling this way..." But, I garnish a pearl of wisdom from every blog that I read and carry those nuggets with me every where and everyday...

So, how do I feel 18 months after experiencing the biggest loss that a mother can endure? I still cry once or twice a week (sometimes more....). A little redhead girl stops me in my tracks everytime (especially since Cooper has been born because he has the red hair that I always envisioned Lily having). Most days are easier to bear (again, Cooper helps with this) but there is still a big hole in my day that will never be filled...I should be chasing after a crawling baby girl right now...

I feel stronger though and some days even feel a sense of peace...but, there will never be a grasp of acceptance in my life for her absence. I loved her from the moment I knew that she was inside me and I love her with the same intensity today.

Olympics

I have always loved the Olympics, summer and winter, and I'm so looking forward to the opening ceremonies next Friday! I've been watching all of the commercials for the opening ceremonies for next Friday but they are clips of the summer Olympics of 2008...a lot of times I can't even tell you what was going on in my life at such and such time but I can recall so many events since August 3, 2008...

Lily died on August 3, 2008 and the opening ceremony for the summer Olympics was on August 8, 2008...I remember going to the funeral home that afternoon to do one last viewing before Lily was to go to the crematory. My hubby went with her (he actually put her in the box to go down the conveyor belt to the fiery tomb....I still don't know how he did it...) and I went home. I turned on the television and watched the wonderful and beautiful spectacle that Beijing created for the opening ceremonies...of course, my heart wasn't into the show because all I could think of was the fact that my daughter's body would be ashes within minutes. I would never have the opportunity to hold her in my arms again. The next time that she would be home with me would be in an urn...

I look forward to watching the opening ceremonies for the winter Olympic with Lily's brother in my arms...and, I'll do my best to stay in the present...