Peace

I know Christmas was a beautiful day in Heaven...I thought about Lily several times yesterday but not with sadness. I thought of her with love and pride. I know she is perfect and will never feel pain or rejection. She is in a good place...

So, I lit her candle and I bought her flowers...and, thanked her for choosing me to be her mommy even if I didn't get to have her for very long. I'm honored to be able to carry the title of Lily's mommy forever...it's not just my blog's name it's the badge that I wear with pride.

My second Christmas without her...

and I miss her just as much as her first Christmas. This year though I do it with less tears because after awhile you (actually!) do cry less but the ache still pangs your heart.

What makes this Christmas different is that we do have a baby in the house this Christmas. We've been sent 5 baby's first Christmas ornaments and they all look beautiful on the tree. He has 3 different baby's first Christmas sleepers which I have to put on him for the next 3 nights. I spent hours finding just the right stocking to hang in between my stocking and my hubby's stocking. He's only 7 weeks old but he has presents underneath the tree. Doing all of this for Cooper reminds me of what I'll never do with Lily.

I will always go out of my way to not show the pain in my eyes as I celebrate Christmas with my son but in my heart the day will never have the same luster without Lily here to celebrate with us.

I can only imagine what a beautiful day it will be on Christmas day in Heaven. What a delight all our babies will have as they attend the birthday party of all birthday parties! Knowing what a glorious day she will have celebrating with our Saviour makes me anxious to get up there myself!

Lily,

We miss you not just during this time of year but everyday of the year. We love you without ceasing and you live forever in our hearts. Can you please give Jesus a big happy birthday hug from Mommy, Daddy, and Cooper? We know He is taking good care of you until Mommy can be with you again...

My heart forever,
Mommy

Will it always be this way?

Will December 3rd always be a day that stabs me in the heart when the alarm clock goes off? When will I be able to look at December 3rd as just any other day?

December 3, 2008 was Lily's due date...why should December 3, 2009 hurt so bad?

I should have a baby girl turning one but instead I still mourn for all the dreams that will never come true. I know my heart should be light because I have been blessed beyond words for the life of her little brother, my son...but, I continue to miss her deeply everyday.

Everything about Cooper reminds me of what I will never know about Lily. Her hair color, eye color, and temperate will always be a mystery to me. My dying question and when I meet God will be "why couldn't you have given me both of them?" Especially when you consider all the stories that you see on Nan.cy Gr.ace of people that kill their children and on a lighter degree of people that I know in real life that don't take care of their kids worth a crap. Why me? Why my baby?

December 3, 2009 I will get ready and drive to the hospital to love on and hold my rainbow baby and wish that Lily's death had never occured and we had never weathered that storm at all. I will hold him and tell him how much I love him and wish that those are words that Lily could have heard in my arms.

Please, don't take this post as if I am ungrateful for my son's life. Please, read these words as a mommy that just misses her daughter.