Dear Lily,
I miss you so much more these days. I think of all the things that I've missed doing with you and my eyes water and my throat clenches when I think of having to live the rest of my life without you.
We had a babyshower for your little brother yesterday. My heart was so conflicted as I tried to put on a brave face for all the guests and how I wish we were able to do all of this for you, too. Your Aunt Aimee made a speech for you at Cooper's babyshower. I was crying because she called you Cooper's guardian angel and about how you were with us at the shower, too. She made a beautiful sign for you and even gave us a beautiful frame with an angel and a baby on it. Everyone in the family wishes that you were here to celebrate with us.
I think about you being here and how I would have two babies in diapers! You would only be a year older than you're brother. I think you would've been a great big sister! Of course, you and Cooper would have days where you would drive each other and mommy crazy, BUT all those days would be worth it if you could be here, too. Daddy miss you a lot, too. We talk at least once a day about how wonderful it would be if you were here because they house would be evenly divided! Right now, mommy is outnumbered!
Please, know that we aren't moving on without you. Life is that way but you are never far away from our hearts and minds. We know you're watching down on us and especially you're little brother. There isn't one of his kicks that doesn't remind me of how precious you are and of how precious life is...
I'll love you eternally,
Mommy
Monday, October 26, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
Sorry, I suck!
I've been nominated for a few awards from some very sweet ladies and I'm FINALLY going to get this up and moving. I suck for not doing this before because what the heck else do I have going on...napping, reading, watching mindless television, but alas here I am! I'm going to go in the order that I received them...
I received this award from Lea and Bree ! Thanks, girls! You know I love you both, too!
I received this award from Lea and Bree ! Thanks, girls! You know I love you both, too!
There are some simple rules to accept this award. Firstly, pass the award on to 7 other bloggers and secondly, list 10 honest and hopefully interesting things about yourself. So, I pass this award on to: Just click on the name to check out the blogs that I enjoy reading...
1. I have an unhealthy obsession with cleaning my ears with q-tips. It almost puts me to sleep!
2. I love beer. I love beer tastings. I don't drink beer to get drunk but I love nothing better on a Friday night than a big slice of pizza with a Killians...Will have to figure out how to have a beer and breastfeed :)
3. I'm a social worker in real life. I was the only social worker in the program at UGA that begged to be placed in a nursing home. I love the elderly and actually miss my patients at my last place of employment more than I miss my co-workers. (with the exception of my fabulous Nivedita)
4. I snore. I mean I snore like a elderly man. If my poor hubby wants sleep than he has to beat me to the bed. I'm sure the last 6 weeks have given him some good zzzzz's.
5. I met my hubby on the internet. We talked for a month, met on October 10, 2005, got engaged on December 14, 2005 and were married on March 4, 2006...the best decision I ever made and haven't regretted the whirlwindness of our courtship for one second. He's my life and my best friend.
6. I have a tattoo of a turtle on my stomach. Right now, its not so cute...but, you're not thinking of being fat and pregnant when you're 18. What started out as a cute little turtle is morphing into a galapagos...
7. I love Jeopardy even though I feel dumb at the completion of each show. I'm convinced that intelligence is really just the ability to recall information that you've read or seen, so I believe that I will be a super genius if I just watch enough Jeopardy...
8. I love to travel and I wish I were the type of traveler that could backpack it, sleep in hostels, and live off of peanut butter crackers. Instead I'm the type of traveler that has to have an outfit for everyday, stay in at least a 4 star hotel, and love living of the local cuisine. My hubby works at Delta so at least the airfare is covered :)
9. Always said that I rather throw myself off a cliff than be a diabetic. I am a meat and potatoes girl and I HATE vegetables. All of them. In my mind they are evil. So, watch the words that you throw out into the universe! I've been diagnosed with gestational diabetes for 2 weeks and they've been the longest 2 weeks of my life.
10. I'm sure that my cat understands english and that she is reincarnated by someone really cool. I'm a Christian so I don't really believe in reincarnation but she is just too cool to be just a cat. She is by far the smartest cat on the planet and I'm sure its because of all the Jeopardy that she has watched with her mommy :)
** I promise to do more awards but mommy needs to get her bedrest butt back in the bed**
Thursday, October 22, 2009
I was trying to take the high road
Some of you will remember a post that I wrote a couple of weeks ago about a certain nurse that hurt my feelings with some comments that she made about only feeling bad for women who lose babies at full-term. After cooling down and a lot of "Lord, help me" prayers, I decided to just let the matter drop. I felt some guilt about what if she says those comments to other women but at that point I had like 6 more weeks here and just didn't want to rock the boat. I decided that I would let them know about her when I leave here. I just crossed my fingers that I wouldn't have her as my nurse again...
Guess who walks into my room as my nurse today? You guessed it...
I said a silent prayer in my mind to give me unconditional love for this clueless lady. She introduced herself to me (I'm thinking, no I remember you...) and began her conversations with benign subjects, i.e. weather and how I've decorated the room for Halloween. She starts to ask me how I'm feeling and I give her all the standard answers (no cramping, no leaking, no bleeding, and yes the baby is moving). She then asks me what kind of placenta accreta that I have and I respond with placenta increta and she says to me "oh, thats not too bad." Come again? So, I respond back to her "I'm have to have my uterus taken out, how is that not bad?" Again, just like last time she tries to buffer her blow with "oh, I just mean that they won't have to scrap the placenta off the bladder and stuff."
Now, first off, they don't know if my placenta increta and hasn't turned into placenta percredia and won't know that until they open me up. Second, I'm only 31 and I've having a hysterectomy. I sit here with this much loved baby boy and cherish every kick and roll because I know that I will NEVER feel this again. I've had the true blessing of being pregnant twice and have loved every moment of both pregnancies. My first baby died and I spend countless hours worrying that this one will,too. This is my LAST chance at having a healthy and living child come from my body. Through all of this, I'm just grateful beyond belief because some women don't have one baby come from their body. I often think of these women when I feel bad for myself...
I've had enough with this woman and did have her supervisor to come to speak to me. I shared both instances with her and the charge nurse apologized profusely and was throughly embarassed that one of her nurses would use such insensitive comments with a patient ESPECIALLY on this hall. I expressed to her that if my doctors think that I need a psychiatrist than they can send me one because I don't need this nurse's perspective on how I feel about my circumstances. I'm rather intune with how I feel about my circumstances but I don't need some hard-ass nurse trying to belittle my feelings. I'm off of this nurse's assignment and will never have her as my nurse again. I really don't want an apology from this woman and really just don't want to ever see her again in life.
Guess who walks into my room as my nurse today? You guessed it...
I said a silent prayer in my mind to give me unconditional love for this clueless lady. She introduced herself to me (I'm thinking, no I remember you...) and began her conversations with benign subjects, i.e. weather and how I've decorated the room for Halloween. She starts to ask me how I'm feeling and I give her all the standard answers (no cramping, no leaking, no bleeding, and yes the baby is moving). She then asks me what kind of placenta accreta that I have and I respond with placenta increta and she says to me "oh, thats not too bad." Come again? So, I respond back to her "I'm have to have my uterus taken out, how is that not bad?" Again, just like last time she tries to buffer her blow with "oh, I just mean that they won't have to scrap the placenta off the bladder and stuff."
Now, first off, they don't know if my placenta increta and hasn't turned into placenta percredia and won't know that until they open me up. Second, I'm only 31 and I've having a hysterectomy. I sit here with this much loved baby boy and cherish every kick and roll because I know that I will NEVER feel this again. I've had the true blessing of being pregnant twice and have loved every moment of both pregnancies. My first baby died and I spend countless hours worrying that this one will,too. This is my LAST chance at having a healthy and living child come from my body. Through all of this, I'm just grateful beyond belief because some women don't have one baby come from their body. I often think of these women when I feel bad for myself...
I've had enough with this woman and did have her supervisor to come to speak to me. I shared both instances with her and the charge nurse apologized profusely and was throughly embarassed that one of her nurses would use such insensitive comments with a patient ESPECIALLY on this hall. I expressed to her that if my doctors think that I need a psychiatrist than they can send me one because I don't need this nurse's perspective on how I feel about my circumstances. I'm rather intune with how I feel about my circumstances but I don't need some hard-ass nurse trying to belittle my feelings. I'm off of this nurse's assignment and will never have her as my nurse again. I really don't want an apology from this woman and really just don't want to ever see her again in life.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Today we remember our babies~
I felt so alone when I started this journey of being a dead baby mama but then I met a group of women on baby center on the second and third trimester loss group. I remember how "relieved," for a lack of a better word, to know that I wasn't alone on this journey. There is a group of you that I've been traveling this road with from the very beginning; Beth, Tamara, Hollie, Holly P., Holly (so many Holly's!), and Jessica. These are just the woman that are immediately brought to mind. And, I've been overwhelmed with the number of other dbms that I've met over the course of the last 14 months! Sadly, the titles on my blog list of baby loss blogs continues to grow. You can literally spend an entire day bouncing from one baby loss blog to another and the heartache of loss is universal. It doesn't matter how long ago that the baby died, religious differences, or what part of the world that you live in. A mommy's pain of losing a baby is something that you don't move on from and you feel a bond instantly with another dbm. I've hugged strangers when they've told me about their loss once they have found out about mine. There are no boundaries when it comes to shared grief.
I still belong to the second and third trimester loss group and check the board every other day to offer condolences to the new mommies. I remember how sad it was to leave my birth board to join a loss board. Those feelings overwhelm me as I type...I found so much love and support from the loss board and continued feeling the support through the ladies from that board who also started blogs and from all the other friends that I've made along the way. I've watched some of these woman go onto to have their rainbow babies, some are pregnant now, and some are still trying to have another baby. I feel so much pride when I see pics of their new babies and rejoice with them when they get their positive pregnancy tests and am disappointed with them when another month goes by with bad news.
Its a surreal feeling that my baby girl has been gone for 14 months and some days the tears fall as hard and as painful as they did the first day. I think of her everyday. As I listen to her brother's heartbeat three times a day...my heart and mind goes back to the night that her heart stopped. As I feel her brother kick...my heart and mind goes back to the last time that I felt her move...She owns my heart but I know that she doesn't mind that I'm sharing my heart with her brother and I know that she looks over him everyday.
I light a candle tonight for my daughter and for all of her friends that play with her in heaven.
**I'm going outside by the hospital's fountain to light our candle because I'm pretty sure that's a no-no inside**
I still belong to the second and third trimester loss group and check the board every other day to offer condolences to the new mommies. I remember how sad it was to leave my birth board to join a loss board. Those feelings overwhelm me as I type...I found so much love and support from the loss board and continued feeling the support through the ladies from that board who also started blogs and from all the other friends that I've made along the way. I've watched some of these woman go onto to have their rainbow babies, some are pregnant now, and some are still trying to have another baby. I feel so much pride when I see pics of their new babies and rejoice with them when they get their positive pregnancy tests and am disappointed with them when another month goes by with bad news.
Its a surreal feeling that my baby girl has been gone for 14 months and some days the tears fall as hard and as painful as they did the first day. I think of her everyday. As I listen to her brother's heartbeat three times a day...my heart and mind goes back to the night that her heart stopped. As I feel her brother kick...my heart and mind goes back to the last time that I felt her move...She owns my heart but I know that she doesn't mind that I'm sharing my heart with her brother and I know that she looks over him everyday.
I light a candle tonight for my daughter and for all of her friends that play with her in heaven.
**I'm going outside by the hospital's fountain to light our candle because I'm pretty sure that's a no-no inside**
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
A loss is a loss
My nurse for the day came in this morning to do the standard vital signs, blah, blah, blahs and noticed a picture of Chuck, Lily and me together that I have on my bookshelf in the room. *A post about this awesome picture is to follow after I can load a picture on here to show all of you* She asked me when we lost Lily and I told her 23 weeks and replies back to me (and I quote) "I know it doesn't feel like it to you but that is still very early on in pregnancy." This instantly sent me into defensive mode and I replied back to her "I don't think it matters at what stage in pregnancy that you lose a baby does it? It hurts all the same." Homegirl seeing that she had hit a nerve replies back "OH, I don't mind to diminish your pain, its just that I feel so badly for the women who lose their baby at full-term." By this point, I am just floored that she is that insensitive (especially at 7 o'clock in the morning) that I'm moved to speechlessness...which rarely happens in my world!
I have seen on various blogs the debate about whose pain is greater, stillborn vs. miscarriage is a good example. I've always stayed away from this debate because I always knew how painful it would be to have someone compare my loss at 23 weeks to losing a baby at full-term. Today, I found out how badly those comparsions can feel...and it sucked! I have "met" some very lovely mommies whose babies didn't make it to that "magical" 20 week mark to classify their baby as a a stillborn. If that loss occurs at 18 weeks does that make her angel any less important? NO. Granted a women that carries her baby to full-term and death occurs shortly before birth does have weeks more of daydreams BUT her love and her feelings of loss are not more important than mine because I lost my baby at a *meager* 23 weeks.
I'm going to ride out this day with civility with this woman but will request that I don't have her anymore after today. She hurt my feelings when I have enough going on in my life! A comment will be made about her insensitivity (and ticking time bomb lady!) upon my discharge. I think about that heifer making a comment like that to a mommy in here that is 23 weeks pregnant and is praying to keep her babies inside of her until 24 weeks just because the medical community only saves babies that make it to this (AGAIN) "magical" week mark and it enrages me. Isn't one life just as valuable as another?
Let me some of you for giving me comments on "viability stage" because I'm well aware of why the medical community has that guideline. It doesn't make a mommy or daddy feel any better though~ my hubby watched his daughter's last heartbeat on the ultrasound machine because she was a week shy of the viability stage and I can promise you that logic doesn't change his grief, either.
I have seen on various blogs the debate about whose pain is greater, stillborn vs. miscarriage is a good example. I've always stayed away from this debate because I always knew how painful it would be to have someone compare my loss at 23 weeks to losing a baby at full-term. Today, I found out how badly those comparsions can feel...and it sucked! I have "met" some very lovely mommies whose babies didn't make it to that "magical" 20 week mark to classify their baby as a a stillborn. If that loss occurs at 18 weeks does that make her angel any less important? NO. Granted a women that carries her baby to full-term and death occurs shortly before birth does have weeks more of daydreams BUT her love and her feelings of loss are not more important than mine because I lost my baby at a *meager* 23 weeks.
I'm going to ride out this day with civility with this woman but will request that I don't have her anymore after today. She hurt my feelings when I have enough going on in my life! A comment will be made about her insensitivity (and ticking time bomb lady!) upon my discharge. I think about that heifer making a comment like that to a mommy in here that is 23 weeks pregnant and is praying to keep her babies inside of her until 24 weeks just because the medical community only saves babies that make it to this (AGAIN) "magical" week mark and it enrages me. Isn't one life just as valuable as another?
Let me some of you for giving me comments on "viability stage" because I'm well aware of why the medical community has that guideline. It doesn't make a mommy or daddy feel any better though~ my hubby watched his daughter's last heartbeat on the ultrasound machine because she was a week shy of the viability stage and I can promise you that logic doesn't change his grief, either.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Lily's favorite song~
I would play this song every morning on my way to work when I was pregnant with Lily. She would dance and move the most during this song. I dedicated this song to her at her memorial service and with tears in my eyes knew that she was living in perfection with the Lord.
I wanted to share this song with all of you today and I started crying as soon as the video started playing~ I have to be honest when I say that I have been avoiding this song since Lily's death. I especially broken down when Darlene is speaking before the video because she was directing the message at someone who had lost a daughter...
*Please, reminder to turn off the player before you play the video*
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