Its unrealistic to not ever have something from my pregnancy to leak onto Lily's blog. I will continue to use Cooper's blog to journal my doctor's appointments and any news related to our upcoming addition to our family. This is Lily's blog and it will continue to be, but this week is different.
I am 22 weeks pregnant...and, I never completed this week with Lily. My emotions have been at an all time high this week. I always round up to 23 weeks when I talk about Lily dying for simplicity sake, but if I make it to next Saturday than I will be the most pregnant that I have ever been~ I remember the day we lost Lily like it happened yesterday. There are so many things that I wish I would have done differently that day. Would another doctor or hospital made the difference? Why didn't I spend more time with her? They brought her to me in a beautiful little dress and I often wonder why I didn't undress her so that I could see every beautiful detail that God created in her little body.
Things are going really good with my pregnancy with Cooper. I should be able to relax with some self-talk, but relaxation is nowhere in the horizon. I had a dream last night that we went to the hospital because I hadn't felt him move all day so they did an ultrasound and they are able to find his heartbeat...and, he is alright. I haven't had a dream yet that he doesn't make it but I have had dreams recently where I'm sure he's dead and have to be shown that he's alright. I woke up this morning wishing that Sept. 11th would hurry up and get here so that I'll be in the hospital and Cooper and I both will be monitored and Lord willing we both will make it home this time.
Creeping up to the time that I lost Lily is hard. I remember how every time she moved made me smile. I find myself doing the same thing with Cooper, which is natural, right? I wish I could hold some childlike faith that my pregnancy with Cooper won't end the same way that my pregnancy with Lily did...and, I'm trying everyday to be positive and to keep the faith that God wouldn't do this to me twice.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
You get to a point...
where your focus has to switch from grieving to planning...I miss Lily, and I love her with every fiber of my being. I still long for how my life could be with my daughter. My daughter who would be 8 months old now. I'm back to sleeping with Lily bear because I feel guilty that I haven't been grieving as much as I had been before...my focus honestly has switched to getting Lily's brother here safely. My hubby and I both had tears in our eyes as we talked about the day that Lily died and how we both want to meet Cooper...comfort him when he cries, change countless dirty diapers, feed him, burp him...all the things that we never got a chance to do with Lily.
I talk to Lily about watching over her little brother, and I do credit her and thank God everytime that I see Cooper on the u/s screen. We had a MRI on Tuesday and they say that my uterus is completely stable and that Cooper is perfect in every way. I can't help but think that she's involved...and, that she knows that I will be useless in life forever if something happens to him, too.
Thank you, Lily for watching out for your little brother and keep up the good work! I know you will love him in his little brother onesie. We love you so much and I promise that he will always know about you!
I talk to Lily about watching over her little brother, and I do credit her and thank God everytime that I see Cooper on the u/s screen. We had a MRI on Tuesday and they say that my uterus is completely stable and that Cooper is perfect in every way. I can't help but think that she's involved...and, that she knows that I will be useless in life forever if something happens to him, too.
Thank you, Lily for watching out for your little brother and keep up the good work! I know you will love him in his little brother onesie. We love you so much and I promise that he will always know about you!
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
A Parade of Candles!
Have you ever seen a parade of candles? I want to thank all of you lovelies that sent pictures of the candles that you lit for Lily's birthday. Every email warmed my heart!
Aimee
This one's actually the one I did :)
Holly
Bree
Mirna
Summer
Sarah
Emalee
Rhonda
And, Trennia did this really cute scrapbook for Lily, and I don't know how to post the link with out just copying and pasting (I'm a little remedial, sorry!)
Thank you all again for celebrating Lily's birthday with me. ((hugs))
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Lily's memorial
We held Lily's one year birthday in heaven on Saturday so that we could be with our family as we remember our sweet baby.
Here are some pics of the day~
The cupcakes~ my hubby spelled out Lily's name with them...
At my mom's house~
Lily's picture on the table with Lea's angel wings :)
Our balloons with our notes written to Lily~
It was such a bittersweet time together as a family, because her absence was even more apparent on Saturday. Her first heavenly birthday was on Monday and it was a difficult day to navigate through because there are just so many emotions that play into that day. Joy and pride because I gave life to such a perfect and beautiful human being. Sadness that I have to spend everyday without her. Regrets for not spending more time with her when I had the chance. Thankfulness for the time that I did have with her and those moments will be cherished forever. Impatience to be rejoined with her.
Here are some pics of the day~
The cupcakes~ my hubby spelled out Lily's name with them...
At my mom's house~
Lily's picture on the table with Lea's angel wings :)
Our balloons with our notes written to Lily~
Lily's daddy and the love of my life with his balloon for Lily~
It was such a bittersweet time together as a family, because her absence was even more apparent on Saturday. Her first heavenly birthday was on Monday and it was a difficult day to navigate through because there are just so many emotions that play into that day. Joy and pride because I gave life to such a perfect and beautiful human being. Sadness that I have to spend everyday without her. Regrets for not spending more time with her when I had the chance. Thankfulness for the time that I did have with her and those moments will be cherished forever. Impatience to be rejoined with her. My greatest achievement will always be that I'm Lily's mommy, and I know that she is excited for her little brother to be in our lives. On my note that I wrote to Lily on her balloon included a P.S. that simply said "please, look after your little brother."
She is and forever will be my pride and joy...my firstborn...and my precious daughter...
Sunday, August 2, 2009
August 3, 2008's early minutes...
By this time, we know that Lily isn't going to make it. My hubby is shaking my stomach and begging her not to go. I'm on my side and I look back at my hubby and my ob and tell them that I don't want to lose her, but the look of my doctor's face tells me that there is nothing that can be done. My hubby gets close to my stomach and tells Lily to go the the man named Jesus and He will take good care of her. He tells her how much we love her and that we will see her again. And, then her heartbeat is no longer detectable. In a matter of 30 minutes, we went from losing my appendix to losing our daughter.
I remember having the oxygen mask on and not being able to catch my breath. I remember my hubby coming to hug me and both of us sobbing. He leaves the room to call my family, close friends, and my boss. My life was forever changed on this date and I will never recover all the pieces of the old me.
She died at 12:30 AM and the day would prove to be a long one. All of the my health issues became the major focus, and grieving was put on the back burner. Some time during that day my uterus would rupture, causing pulmonary edema and a few hours from being DIC (very technical term, but the acronym means "death is coming"). I would end this day signing for a hysterectomy and being placed on a ventilator.
I didn't get a chance to grieve for days, but the grief has had variable strengths over the last year. Sometimes, I cry so hard that I don't want to breath again, other days, I wake up and feel peace and the new normal that has become my life.
I carried her for 22w4d, but I carry her in my heart and mind forever. I close my eyes and I can see her in my arms in her white dress with the cross on the front, wearing a purple hat, and looking so peaceful. I am thankful for the time that I did have her in my arms on earth, but I long for the day that we're reunited.
Lily,
You have touched my life in ways that are difficult for me to share with the world. I look forward to holding you in my arms again and whispering in your ear all the ways that I have loved you and missed you while you were gone. You are never more than a second away from any thought and the sound of your name brings joy to my heart. You are never forgotten and I love you with every fiber of my being.
Love,
Mommy
**It would be such an honor for me as Lily's mommy if you would light a candle tonight in her memory. I would love to see a pic of the lit candle and you can email it to me at jenfnolf@yahoo.com. Thank you!**
I remember having the oxygen mask on and not being able to catch my breath. I remember my hubby coming to hug me and both of us sobbing. He leaves the room to call my family, close friends, and my boss. My life was forever changed on this date and I will never recover all the pieces of the old me.
She died at 12:30 AM and the day would prove to be a long one. All of the my health issues became the major focus, and grieving was put on the back burner. Some time during that day my uterus would rupture, causing pulmonary edema and a few hours from being DIC (very technical term, but the acronym means "death is coming"). I would end this day signing for a hysterectomy and being placed on a ventilator.
I didn't get a chance to grieve for days, but the grief has had variable strengths over the last year. Sometimes, I cry so hard that I don't want to breath again, other days, I wake up and feel peace and the new normal that has become my life.
I carried her for 22w4d, but I carry her in my heart and mind forever. I close my eyes and I can see her in my arms in her white dress with the cross on the front, wearing a purple hat, and looking so peaceful. I am thankful for the time that I did have her in my arms on earth, but I long for the day that we're reunited.
Lily,
You have touched my life in ways that are difficult for me to share with the world. I look forward to holding you in my arms again and whispering in your ear all the ways that I have loved you and missed you while you were gone. You are never more than a second away from any thought and the sound of your name brings joy to my heart. You are never forgotten and I love you with every fiber of my being.
Love,
Mommy
**It would be such an honor for me as Lily's mommy if you would light a candle tonight in her memory. I would love to see a pic of the lit candle and you can email it to me at jenfnolf@yahoo.com. Thank you!**
August 2, 2008
We woke up this day and went to our favorite breakfast spot (for those of you who know me IRL know that we go here EVERY Saturday barring that we are in town!). We went to some yardsales and had an overall great morning. We went home and took a 2 hour nap because mommy and Lily were tired. I got up and went to play on my birthboard for the December 08 babies, alas, little did I know that I would never again go to my birthboard with worries and questions. The next time I would be on would be to give the story that my baby had died.
I stood up from the computer at about 4;45 PM and immediately felt the worse pain that I ever felt but chalked it up to really bad gas (sorry, TMI), so I went to the restroom but the pain just got worse and worse. I asked my hubby to call my ob-gyn and tell her to meet me at the hospital. I wasn't even going to give her the option of telling me to wait it out, because I was sure that I was in labor. I was preparing myself for the end on the way to the hospital, but felt Lily kicking all the time on the drive to Labor and Delivery. I was ecstatic to find out that Lily was doing beautifully and that I was not having any contractions. I was not bleeding and my cervix was completely closed. So, what was wrong?
Blood draws were done, but were lost on there way to the lab, so another set had to be completed. A doctor came in to examine me and determined that it must be my appendix, so an exploratory lapratomy would be completed and my appendix removed at the same time. All of the risks of having surgery were explained to me and my hubby, and felt that we had no other option because the pain was excruciating. We were admitted into the hospital and my hubby had the job of calling my boss, and my family. I was given some Dilaudid, and literally passed out. I would never feel my baby kick again.
About 11:30 PM my blood pressure dropped to 60/40 and everyone went into panic mode. The nurse was manually pushing fluids into my body to bring my blood pressure back up. An oxygen concentrator brought in to help me breath. A catheter put in, well, you know what that was for and when they pulled down the hospital panties is when they saw the first signs of blood. My ob-gyn brought in a u/s machine and my baby that had a heartbeat of 145 just 2 hours prior was now in the 90's....
I stood up from the computer at about 4;45 PM and immediately felt the worse pain that I ever felt but chalked it up to really bad gas (sorry, TMI), so I went to the restroom but the pain just got worse and worse. I asked my hubby to call my ob-gyn and tell her to meet me at the hospital. I wasn't even going to give her the option of telling me to wait it out, because I was sure that I was in labor. I was preparing myself for the end on the way to the hospital, but felt Lily kicking all the time on the drive to Labor and Delivery. I was ecstatic to find out that Lily was doing beautifully and that I was not having any contractions. I was not bleeding and my cervix was completely closed. So, what was wrong?
Blood draws were done, but were lost on there way to the lab, so another set had to be completed. A doctor came in to examine me and determined that it must be my appendix, so an exploratory lapratomy would be completed and my appendix removed at the same time. All of the risks of having surgery were explained to me and my hubby, and felt that we had no other option because the pain was excruciating. We were admitted into the hospital and my hubby had the job of calling my boss, and my family. I was given some Dilaudid, and literally passed out. I would never feel my baby kick again.
About 11:30 PM my blood pressure dropped to 60/40 and everyone went into panic mode. The nurse was manually pushing fluids into my body to bring my blood pressure back up. An oxygen concentrator brought in to help me breath. A catheter put in, well, you know what that was for and when they pulled down the hospital panties is when they saw the first signs of blood. My ob-gyn brought in a u/s machine and my baby that had a heartbeat of 145 just 2 hours prior was now in the 90's....
Saturday, August 1, 2009
August 1, 2008
was the last day that I felt like the "normal" Jen (if I ever fit the definition!). I left work that Friday with plans for a restful weekend. Little did I know that when I left my office that Friday that I would not return for 8 weeks. I learned another valuable lesson that Friday~never leave a dirty desk for Monday! Lord only knows the mess that my poor bestie had to sort out in my absence.
I remember this day mostly because it was the last day that my heart wasn't broken.
I remember this day mostly because it was the last day that my heart wasn't broken.
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