Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Begging

All of the celebrities dying in the last week reminds all of us of the fragility of life. How one moment life is just clicking away, maybe these people were planning what they were going to do for dinner that night, or what movie to see the following weekend...then, all of a sudden they're gone. I work in an industry where I see death and the effects of death on a family. I learned about death suddenly on August 3, 2008 when my daughter died. My grief continues to linger but the days are easier to get through.

What I do know is this~ that I am terrified to go through those early days of grief and loss again. I remember vividly the hours spent with Lily dead inside my body. I remember vividly rolling down the hall to have my c-section knowing that when I woke up that my daughter would no longer be inside of me. I remember crying so hard that I couldn't breath and crying so hard that the pain of my c-section and all the other things that my body had endured where insignificant. I never thought that I would be where I am today. Pregnant and excited. And terrified.

I wake up every morning worrying about Abebe. I don't daydream really about meeting Abebe like I did with Lily. Whenever, I allow myself to relax and think about life with Abebe, I am quickly reminded that pregnancy does not equal a baby in my home. I know most pregnant women are excited about their babies, especially their first. My first child was taken from me, so why should I arrogantly expect that God won't do this to me again?

So, everyday I beg God to let me have Abebe. He has her sister, and everyday I learn to accept that more. I want to have Abebe in my life. I never got to see Lily's eyes or see her smile. I will never hear her say "momma" during my lifetime. I will never see her walk and discover new things. Again, I beg God everyday for these milestones. He's given these milestones to people who don't really "care" about their children. Why I should I be excluded from all these joys with your children?

One thing remains, and I know this to be true. This pregnancy with my second child will either end good or badly. I'm terrified every second of the latter.

4 comments:

Marie W said...

Jen, I understand completely. I beg God to not let me experience another loss. Then the question comes to mind; and if he does will I love and trust him any less? My answer to that is no, but my sanity could not bear it. Like you said, hope is all we have right? Hope and prayer will get us through this. I have decided to set milestones, and at each milestone, I celebrate. I advocate for myself and walk into that doctor's office armed with knowledge. Praying for you always. {{{hugs}}}

Bluebird said...

((Hugs)) sweetie. Just ((hugs))

Emily said...

Doesn't it make you jealous of all the people blissfully going through their pregnancies and popping out healthy kids? It's not fair, that we have to worry. It's not fair that we know pregnancy is no guarantee. It's not fair to be wiser.

MendedHeart said...

It is so true: life can end in a blink of an eye. I always say of people who are expecting: One should never take life for granted. A healthy baby is never a given. (What is?) Look what happened to us? One should never assume all will be perfect. They should have an attitude of gratitude. DBM’s appreciate life more and I guess our experiences made us so much stronger. Of course in the back of my mind I am terrified that something might happen to my kids again – that’s why I remind my kids to be careful. Their mom would not survive another child being buried. Take one step at a time and daydream about the one you’re carrying: I am sure all will be good! Hugs and more hugs!