Saturday, July 18, 2009

Closing another chapter~

We have been packing up Lily's nursery this week and do I even need to tell you how painful this is?

I touch every outfit that I bought her and my mind is automatically drawn back to the day that I bought it for her. I bought every outfit with dreams of what my baby girl would look like and how cute she was going to be in a particular dress or romper. There are a few outfits that had me reduced to sobs. One dress is cream with the words "Precious Girl" scribbled down at the bottom with bloomers and a headband to match. One romper is white with blue and green funky flowers. Both are just adorable. Some would say that I'm crazy for getting so upset about clothes, but they're not just clothes. They're symbols of small dreams that I had for Lily.

We spent an afternoon painting the letters to spell "Lily" pink with brown polka dots and we hung them with brown ribbon with pink polka dots to hang above her crib. We had the greatest afternoon doing those letters and about 2 weeks later she was gone.

I spent hours looking for the perfect nursery bedding and finally bought the pink and brown bedding with ladybugs. I was stoked when I found it and could imagine myself picking her up out of crib at the wee hours of night to soothe her tears. How many times have I looked into her crib since she died just to find myself needing soothing because of my tears?

I'm blessed to be pregnant again and I look forward to the new chapter in our lives, but I was hoping for a girl (secretly) to be spared this pain of having to pack up all her stuff. Maybe, it would have been painful to have another girl using Lily's stuff. Who knows?

My hubby knows that this has been a painful process for me and has put all of Lily's stuff in a container in the closet in the nursery that I can just pull out and wallow in whenever I want to...Good gracious, does he not know me?

11 comments:

My Crazy LIfe....BUT love it! said...

I think about you everyday and could not even imagine the pain you are in right now. Not just right now but all the time. If you need to call me anytime just to cry DO IT. I love you and hate that you ever had to go through this pain....

Marie W said...

Jen, I know how you feel. Packing clothes feels like u are packing up hopes and dreams. Such a simple yet difficult task. Hugs to you love.

Bree said...

Oh Jen, I'm so sorry you had to do that. I wish I was there to cry with you.

I just submitted Ella's photos to be retouched by angelpics. Thanks for the suggestion on your blog. I hope I did it right and I'm excited to see how they turn out.

Bluebird said...

Oh, honey. Of course they're not just clothes. that must have been so hard. I'm so sorry. ((Hugs))

Emalee said...

Oh honey I am sorry, I have yet to put kenner's things away. The room is still the way it was the day he was born. There is a few things that have been added for storage. I hate the Idea that it has become a storage room. Much love to you and I promise to get your giveaway prize mailed out next week!

Emily said...

That's got to be so hard. Poor thing, we're all weeping with you. It's so hard to watch our little dreams reduced to dust. I'm so glad you have a new little dream, I hope it buffers your grief.

Loving you, sister...

Beth said...

This must have been so hard for you. Like you, I have an outfit for Ada that can make me cry so easily. You're not crazy for crying over clothes! It sounds like Lily had such a beautiful nursery. I know you're excited about this new baby and you will have fun preparing for him, but it doesn't erase the pain of losing all of your dreams for Lily. You're a good mother - you love all of your children.

Mirna said...

Oh Darling, I knew you had to do this some time and I can just imagine how painful it was. Good on hubby for putting it away close by. Take it out as many times you want/need to. Big hugs!

Never forgetting Gregory said...

That's so tough. I struggle with the idea of using Gregory's "stuff". We got books and gifts that were supposed to be used for him. I wonder if I am going to feel funny using it. I'm sure that was so tough to go through. You are right, it isn't about the clothes...it is about all the dreams you had for your sweet Lily. Hugs.

Michelle said...

It must have been so difficult packing away all of Lily's belongings. It's a strange place to be in...smiling as we recall those happy times and dreams but aching in the knowledge that they will never come to pass. Your husband sounds very sweet and thoughtful. I still have two memory boxes of Emma's belongings that I keep in my closet so she will always be close to me.

Summer said...

I remember packing up our baby clothes. That's a very difficult thing to do. I still haven't taken down the stuff off the walls of her room. My thoughts are with you.