Sunday, July 5, 2009


To say that I have been in a spiritual funk would be an understatement. Do I still love God? Yes. Have I been dependent on Him through all of my emotions in the last 11 months? Not all the time...

I have had a spirit of indifference as of late. I don't think I did it on purpose, but none-the-less have found myself bitter about the trials that God has placed before me AND my hubby since Lily died. When my hubby and I decided to have a baby in 2006 and the months flipped by on the calendar and we weren't getting pregnant...I was faithful that God would allow me to get pregnant on His timetable. When I finally got my BFP, my first words were thanks to God for answering my prayers. Every morning I did my bible study and prayed over Lily's health and safe delivery into the world. Why then would He answer my prayers with taking her away from me? I lived in a world of illusion that because I was one of God's children that He would never give me such heartache. The illusion has led to my indifference. My indifference has led to many mornings of not opening my bible, only praying in times of panic and sleeping in on too many Sundays. Satan has worked on hardening my heart. I have so many people tell me how proud that are of me for being so strong after losing Lily. Strong? Not the word that I would use, because the one I would use would be surviving.

Some tell me how God has given us our miracle baby. All babies are miracles and gifts from God. Being pregnant again has just begun to re-mold my heart from the months of hardening and I do want to FULLY trust Him again with Abebe's every need. My prayer is to lose the indifference and to rely once again on Him for all MY needs.

Please, understand that although I have anger towards my circumstances that I have felt God's grace and mercy through all my tantrums. Never once did I feel that He had left me alone during my time of need. These words are my words to the world that as a human who believes in the most high God that even though He has given me the worst pain that a mother can go through and I have questioned Him time and time again why He had to allow my baby to die, but I wouldn't put my faith in any other Lord and Savior.


Never forgetting Gregory said...

I will not preach to you or try to "explain" to you what nobody has a right to explain. I can't stand it when people try to preach to me because I'm dealing with grief and they think I'm seeing things wrong.

I agree that my faith has been completely shaken and I have hard time being trusting again. I am assuming this will take time. After trying to get pregnant for so long, the second I got my BFP I fell to my knees and thanked God for the longest time. I appreciated that baby more than anything, so it was really hard to watch him die as mothers who don't even want their children get to keep them. You are right that this is the toughest thing a mother can go through. It is my personal opinion that my perception of God has changed because I was a bit naive before. Now I know better than to think some of the things I thought before. I do however, grieving mothers should be allowed to meddle through this mess and make their way back to their beliefs or adjust them as they see fit without other people pushing it on you. I'm here for you no matter what you believe or how often you make it to church. Hugs.

Mirna said...

I'll never judge you. I was brought up in a church where it was preached that God punishes you for every mistake etc. God is a God of LOVE. He understands COMPLETELY. I have always acted true to my Spirit: when I'm angry I am, when I'm sad I am... so when I was angry at God, He understood and let me be. Thankfully today I see a bigger picture and I am still me! :) And of course I know so much better! Don't know it all yet... LOL Things happen for a reason although we don't always understand (or want to) but one day all will be revealed to us. Aargh am I making sense? Hugs :)

Bree said...

It's ironic that you write this post becauses I just basically said the same thing in the my last post.
I wish I had some answers. The fact is, I've never been really religous, but after losing my dad, I started to trust in God. Losing Ella rattled that faith and I'm just not sure if I'm back in the same place I was before losing her. I guess it will just take time.

Beth said...

I saw your latest post, but I really just wanted to respond to this one. I have definitely been there! I used to pray for Ada every day - all I prayed is that she would be healthy. I didn't pray that she would be smart or all of those other things that parents dream of for their child - I just prayed for her health. Hah. I really felt like God let me down, and I'd be lying if I said I don't feel that way at all anymore. My big issue with faith these days is that I question the point of prayer. If I prayed for Ada's health and then she died unexpectedly, then what's the point of even praying?

I know, I know...God doesn't always answer prayers. My dad was a pastor and I was in church and Sunday School every week, so I know all of the textbook answers. Still, I'm struggling with coming to terms with my own faith. I still go, because I hope that by doing so I will somehow reconnect with God. And sometimes I do. But sometimes I feel so distant and I'm still left asking "Why??" Anyway, don't feel bad if you don't do everything the way that other people seem to expect you to. Everybody's journey is different.