Saturday, June 20, 2009

A mommy to two...

I'm beginning to feel more comfortable with telling people IRL about being pregnant again since I'm sporting a small baby bump and since the first trimester is coming to a close. Upon telling some people the natural question for people to ask is "is this your first?" Its an incredibly uncomfortable question for me and my answer varies depending on the circumstances. Sometimes, I answer with "no, this is not my first pregnancy", and I leave it at that. Sometimes, I answer with "no, I had a stillborn daughter last summer." Either way, I end up feeling extremely guilty. Outsiders don't know the extreme pain that this simple and innocent question brings to me. And, how I feel like I've betrayed my beloved firstborn, because both answers don't capture how much her life means to me. I can't answer with how grateful that I am to be pregnant again, but that my heart and body yearns for my firstborn. Either answer produces the pity look for which I have grown accostumed to since Lily died.

I think to myself all the questions that I ask people throughout the day. Questions that seem innocent enough, but boil up pain in others. I know I ask these questions as a way to get to know other people better, and I know that is why people inquire into how many kids I have...will this question always hurt so badly. Will I ever answer this question with a less-heavy heart? I can't answer that question at this point in life, but I do know that every day until I die that I will always be the mommy of two beautiful babies...

7 comments:

Never forgetting Gregory said...

Agreed. The "is this your first?" is such a tough question. It puts my stomach in knots and brings out so much feeling in me. I feel like there is no way in one second to answer truthfully as to how important my first son is. You are not alone. I also have no idea if we will always feel this way when asked, but we will definitely always understand each other in the uncomfortableness!

MendedHeart said...

I found that a hard question to answer too. It always depends on the situation. I follow my heart, like I reckon we all do. It can make us feel guilty and on the other hand make the other person feel uncomfortable. We don't have to feel guilty because I know our babies know they will never be forgotten. The more I travel this journey with dbm I realise that we have soooooo much in common! It's like we are a close knit family. Hugs :)

Emily said...

I'm not pregnant (yet!), but I struggle with "how many kids do you have?" Do I count Leila? The world didn't, she never received a birth/death certificate. And, if I count Leila, what about the 7 week m/c I had a few years ago? For the sake of not boring the questioner to sleep, I just say "one". But when I get to heaven, I'll be the mom of three!

Just found your blog through Ella's, and I'm so glad. I enjoy your posts - it's so relatable! And I love that you have Natalie Grant on your playlist. :)

Bluebird said...

I think about this question a lot, and how I would answer it if I were pregnant again. In my mind, I've decided to answer it as you have. It's so strange, though, because I imagine that others will (unintentionally) give me an opportunity to talk about our babies more if/when I'm pregnant again than they do now! Sucks, no matter how you look at it, though. ((Hugs))

Lea said...

Hey Jen,

Just wanted to stop by and let you know that I made some Angel Wings for Lily. Stop by my blog.

Love to you.

KSFamily said...

hi :) thanks for visitin my blog...i love yours as well. would you mind if i added it to my angel friends?

KSFamily said...

Thank you so much for the kind words and for letting me share Lily's story as well. This isn't a place in my life I ever wanted to be but am finding some real good friends out of it...all things happen for a reason. :) Thanks again <3