Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Now, I want to cry. I don't want to "celebrate" her short life. I want her here with me. I want to cry because of how fast time has gone since I held her. I want to cry because of how unfair life is and why He had to take her away from me.
I just want to cry...and, right now I don't know how I'll make the tears stop coming...
Monday, July 27, 2009
My MIL told me that when she was at mass the other night that she had a conversation with God about not taking this baby. She told God that he had already taken two of the best members of the family and that we all wanted this one. My MIL is a tough cookie and hearing her talk with such emotion showed me that even though she hasn't been there emotionally over the last 11 months that she was at least thinking of our pain and understood. My hubby was really upset that they didn't come to Lily's memorial, but I see now how paralyzing the emotions must be for her. To lose a son and a grandchild before they even took their first cries.
It was a great (slightly depressing) conversation but the kicker was her fianl comment. She wouldn't be a mother-in-law without one of these comments; "Now make sure you eat right at every meal, we're all counting on you." Pressure, much?
But, I did end up getting a salad for lunch :)
Friday, July 24, 2009
Being me, I try to find the silver linings in all situations...no more periods...and, my honey won't have to get a vasectomy now...I think God knows how stubborn I am so He is removing the temptation for me to have more babies after Cooper.
Please, pray for me and our rainbow baby. To say that I'm scared is an understatement....
Thursday, July 23, 2009
"Oh, you are so lucky because boys are easier than girls!"
Now, this doesn't piss me off when it comes from people that don't know about Lily, but sadly I have gotten this comment more than once from people who know that I'm still grieving for my daughter. UMM, hello?
I wouldn't have cared if she stayed up all night and drove me crazy...at least she would still be here! Some people that know me really well have been very insightful and that a baby boy for me is probably a good thing because I would constantly comparing this baby if it were a girl to Lily. Thats me~ not that anyone else would do it. If I were to be honest than I would have to say that would be a rather correct assesment. But, regardless, I will always wonder what she would have been like...would she have her daddy's great sense of humor or would she be a light sleeper like me. I will be doing that everyday of my life.
On a lighter note~ I'm trying desperately to find a cute boy onesie that says I love my daddy, and am having no luck. All boy onesies say I love my mommy (which I love!)...let a sister know if you see anything cute :)
Monday, July 20, 2009
Maybe, I'm the only one that does this, but when I go to a wedding I automatically think back to the day that hubby and I tied the knot. How rosy I thought our life was going to be. Don't get me wrong, I have a GREAT marriage and my hubby is my greatest blessing. But, I never thought that we would travel down this road that we are on now. My first mistake was thinking that getting knocked up was easy. Boy, was I freaking wrong. I ended up having two surgeries to repair equipment (and, the equipment still sucks~no warranties on a crappy uterus though and I only have one tube-poor thang!) and we finally got pregnant after nearly 2 years of trying. Then, WHAM! We have a dead baby. My hubby and I were so carefree when we talked of having babies in the beginning of our marriage, now, I'm usually reduced to tears. Its hard when you get to a point when you know that pregnancy doesn't equal baby. That Jen and Chuckie sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-NG doesn't end with pushing a baby in a baby carriage.
I do know that we are stronger as a team for what we have endured. People used to tell me that the reason that Chuck and I got along so well is that we had never faced a true hardship as a couple. No one says that to us now. Is there any greater hardship that having your child buried/cremated before you? I think not.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
I touch every outfit that I bought her and my mind is automatically drawn back to the day that I bought it for her. I bought every outfit with dreams of what my baby girl would look like and how cute she was going to be in a particular dress or romper. There are a few outfits that had me reduced to sobs. One dress is cream with the words "Precious Girl" scribbled down at the bottom with bloomers and a headband to match. One romper is white with blue and green funky flowers. Both are just adorable. Some would say that I'm crazy for getting so upset about clothes, but they're not just clothes. They're symbols of small dreams that I had for Lily.
We spent an afternoon painting the letters to spell "Lily" pink with brown polka dots and we hung them with brown ribbon with pink polka dots to hang above her crib. We had the greatest afternoon doing those letters and about 2 weeks later she was gone.
I spent hours looking for the perfect nursery bedding and finally bought the pink and brown bedding with ladybugs. I was stoked when I found it and could imagine myself picking her up out of crib at the wee hours of night to soothe her tears. How many times have I looked into her crib since she died just to find myself needing soothing because of my tears?
I'm blessed to be pregnant again and I look forward to the new chapter in our lives, but I was hoping for a girl (secretly) to be spared this pain of having to pack up all her stuff. Maybe, it would have been painful to have another girl using Lily's stuff. Who knows?
My hubby knows that this has been a painful process for me and has put all of Lily's stuff in a container in the closet in the nursery that I can just pull out and wallow in whenever I want to...Good gracious, does he not know me?
Thursday, July 16, 2009
We love you, Beth! I hope today is a gentle day for you and Hunter~
Monday, July 13, 2009
Its a little sad for me that I will have to pack up all Lily's stuff because we will not be able to use any of it for this baby, because I'm pretty sure that he is not going to want to sleep in a nursery full of pink and brown ladybugs and wear dresses :) And, I know his daddy is not going to allow any of that frilly stuff to happen, either!
I know I'm going to cry several tears as we change the nursery around to fit another baby, and I'm trying to tell myself that Lily understands and that she is happy to have a little brother...and, that she knows that Abebe doesn't take away our love or replace her in any way. Lily will forever be her daddy's little girl and her mommy's little princess.
We miss you and love you, baby girl..
Friday, July 10, 2009
This one is from Lea~
And, this one is from Bree~
Thursday, July 9, 2009
So, I started to panic that maybe Lily's ashes weren't in her urn. I have never seen Lily's ashes actually, and have been putting it off for a later date. I've thought about getting a cremation pendant to wear, but haven't got to that point yet. So, my hubby showed me her ashes last night. Surreal. My heart didn't beat while I held that bag in my hand, the bag that holds the remains of my beautiful daughter's body. She was 11 and 1/2 inches long and weighed 1 lb. 2 oz. and all of her was in this tiny bag. My hubby went with Lily to the cremation place and put her body in the box so that she wouldn't be alone (I have tears running down my face and I type this words, because his strength continues to marvel me). I sat at home that night alone knowing that I would never see her on this earth again and that her body was no longer.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her tiny perfect body and the short moments that I held her in my arms. Now, all I have is this tiny bag in her urn on a shelf in my room...and, thats enough pain for any mommy to have to carry...
Monday, July 6, 2009
I did go to church yesterday which is why my heart was trouble by my thoughts and words during the last 11 months. I did open my bible this morning with a heart and soul that is eager to hear God's words.
I know not everyone that reads this blog is a believer, and these posts maybe very trivial to some. These thoughts are important to me in my growth as a believer, whether you accepted Jesus as your personal Saviour when you were a child (as in my case) or you accepted His grace and mercy just yesterday.
As always, thank you for your patience as a waddle my way through this grieving process. You all are wonderful and I love all of you...which, is nuts because I've never met any of you!
Sunday, July 5, 2009
I have had a spirit of indifference as of late. I don't think I did it on purpose, but none-the-less have found myself bitter about the trials that God has placed before me AND my hubby since Lily died. When my hubby and I decided to have a baby in 2006 and the months flipped by on the calendar and we weren't getting pregnant...I was faithful that God would allow me to get pregnant on His timetable. When I finally got my BFP, my first words were thanks to God for answering my prayers. Every morning I did my bible study and prayed over Lily's health and safe delivery into the world. Why then would He answer my prayers with taking her away from me? I lived in a world of illusion that because I was one of God's children that He would never give me such heartache. The illusion has led to my indifference. My indifference has led to many mornings of not opening my bible, only praying in times of panic and sleeping in on too many Sundays. Satan has worked on hardening my heart. I have so many people tell me how proud that are of me for being so strong after losing Lily. Strong? Not the word that I would use, because the one I would use would be surviving.
Some tell me how God has given us our miracle baby. All babies are miracles and gifts from God. Being pregnant again has just begun to re-mold my heart from the months of hardening and I do want to FULLY trust Him again with Abebe's every need. My prayer is to lose the indifference and to rely once again on Him for all MY needs.
Please, understand that although I have anger towards my circumstances that I have felt God's grace and mercy through all my tantrums. Never once did I feel that He had left me alone during my time of need. These words are my words to the world that as a human who believes in the most high God that even though He has given me the worst pain that a mother can go through and I have questioned Him time and time again why He had to allow my baby to die, but I wouldn't put my faith in any other Lord and Savior.
Friday, July 3, 2009
I dread August 3 hitting the calendar this year. I know as time goes by that it will become easier and easier for people to forget that she even existed. I can't bear to think of her slipping from other's memories, and is it even fair for me to expect them to always remember her? They didn't know her like I did...
I rarely write about individual months being of certain significance (I wrote on her due date), but this being the last month before her one year death anniversary has got me in a bit of a panic state...
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
What I do know is this~ that I am terrified to go through those early days of grief and loss again. I remember vividly the hours spent with Lily dead inside my body. I remember vividly rolling down the hall to have my c-section knowing that when I woke up that my daughter would no longer be inside of me. I remember crying so hard that I couldn't breath and crying so hard that the pain of my c-section and all the other things that my body had endured where insignificant. I never thought that I would be where I am today. Pregnant and excited. And terrified.
I wake up every morning worrying about Abebe. I don't daydream really about meeting Abebe like I did with Lily. Whenever, I allow myself to relax and think about life with Abebe, I am quickly reminded that pregnancy does not equal a baby in my home. I know most pregnant women are excited about their babies, especially their first. My first child was taken from me, so why should I arrogantly expect that God won't do this to me again?
So, everyday I beg God to let me have Abebe. He has her sister, and everyday I learn to accept that more. I want to have Abebe in my life. I never got to see Lily's eyes or see her smile. I will never hear her say "momma" during my lifetime. I will never see her walk and discover new things. Again, I beg God everyday for these milestones. He's given these milestones to people who don't really "care" about their children. Why I should I be excluded from all these joys with your children?
One thing remains, and I know this to be true. This pregnancy with my second child will either end good or badly. I'm terrified every second of the latter.