Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Why, oh why?

I try not to watch too much tv while Cooper is around to protect those delicate brain neurons but I'm kinda in a blah-ish mood today so decided to watch House while Cooper played with his toys. I should've known to keep roaming the channels but I decided to go ahead and watch the episode about sick babies in the nicu. I thought to myself "okay, I can do this..." Thinking back, I was already kinda sad so why not heap on an extra helping...what do they call this? Masochistic?

One of the babies die which is totally heartbreaking but then they showed the mom's reaction to the news which took my flashback scale to a whole new level. Which made me think of my own reaction to Lily's death...I was in complete shock. I really don't think I cried but I do remember hyperventilating and saying "this can't be happening to me." I was just so sick and got progressively worse so they just kept drugging me up. I don't think I really, really got to cry and grieve until I was taken off the ventilator and the nurse very kindly told me "tell me when you're ready for your daughter..." I totally lost it then. I remember thinking to myself "please, put me back to sleep. I don't want this reality." But, it's been my reality now for 33 months. I'm crying right now just thinking back to those early days.

One of the ladies on the episode pondered if her and her husband's marriage would survive if their baby died. One of the wisest things my mil ever said to us following Lily's death was that a child's death will either make your marriage or break your marriage. (for new readers, my in-laws had a son that died during childbirth. My hubby was adopted 2 years following his death. My in-laws have been married for 52 years.) Our marriage did evolve after Lily's death. Now, we've always been madly in love, really since our second date, but our love has grown so much deeper and truer since losing Lily. We've held each other while we've cried, he's held the pillow for me while I beat the crap out of it during my anger stages, we have a secret language now that tells the other one "hey, I'm having a missing Lily moment". Those moments require no spoken words because we can see it in each other's eyes.

Needless, to say, the tv is off again...


Ava's mummy said...

I don't know why but I promise I do the same thing. I look at twin things sometimes even though I know it will kill me.

Flashbacks to those early days are so hard aren't they, the rawness of that pain. It is only ever a blink (or tear) away.

What you say about your marriage makes sense to me too. I was worried we may not survive but the secret language resonates with me also. My DH and I have an understanding of our family that no one else can ever have, that is so special and bonding.

Sending love and gentleness to you.

Becky said...

I don't think I cried right away either, just in shock and wondering why this was happening to me, ughh
Sounds like you have a pretty fabulous husband:)Take Care

AKD said...

I alluded to this a tiny bit in my most recent blog - I was in shock, too. While I was in labor, my brain (which was incredibly tired) focused on delivering her. I kind of knew what was going on, but I couldn't let it in yet. The same was true as I held her those first times. It was sometime overnight that it hit me, and it continued to hit me the next day as I held her. I wish we had those moments back.

Hugs to you.

brigette said...

Wow Im sorry for the painful flash backs they hurt so much!! I totally agree with you MIL it either makes it or breaks it.Us like you guys I think bonded us closer... Im so sorry for your pain!! Much love mama