Thursday, April 2, 2009

Middle of the Road

My path of healing has been a windy one, sometimes I feel like I'm doing better and other times I feel like I am in a pit of despair. Sometimes, my heart feels like its back to its old rhythm and sometimes it feels so hard that I don't feel as if I'm really living. Most days though, I feel as if I'm walking down the middle of the road. I'm moving past the anger of losing Lily, but I still miss her more than I can put into words. I do my bible study in the mornings, and I don't know if God passes on the message, but I ask Him to tell her that I love her right before I say Amen. I'm moving past the "why me?" stage and realize that God has a plan not only for my life, and had a very definitive plan for hers. I no longer loath pregnant women at work, restaurants, or department stores, but instead try to remind myself that I have no idea of the pain or struggles that she may of had to endure while trying to have her precious baby. I do still refuse to go to babyshowers though, so no hard feelings if your invitations immediately go in the trash. I can now look at Lily's nursery and clothing without needing a Xanax, but tears do still string to my eyes with certain outfits.

I've worked through so many emotions in the nearly 8 months since we lost Lily, but I still feel as if I have ways to go before I can truly lay my head at night and feel peaceful with my position in life. You know the thank goodness feeling that you get when you wake up from a bad dream and realize that none of it was real? Thats what I wish would happen...

7 comments:

Emalee said...

hugs

Orluna said...

love you, sweetie

Erica said...

The nightmare of losing a child...I don't think you ever really "wake" up from it... Hugs to me for your continued healing... but, like a scab that you continue to pick at, there will always be a scar leftover...there will always be a scar/a piece of us missing... Hugs

Bluebird said...

I get it.

I've said it before - as much as I *know* that our Babies are gone and not coming back, I also feel just as strongly that someone could pinch me tomorrow and I'd wake up from this dream.

You have come so far. I am in awe of your strength and grace. I think that the middle of the road is a perfectly fine place to be. I wonder sometimes if (if I ever fully get there) if I might stay there forever. We are chance.

((Hugs)) sweet friend, and prayers for your continued healing.

Beth said...

I'm glad to hear that you're doing better, but I know you still miss Lily terribly. I know what you mean about there being certain outfits...I have one that I had planned to use to bring Ada home from the hospital, and it will probably fit Eleanor at the right time, but I'm just not sure if I can ever put her in it. I hope you continue to heal even as you miss Lily!

mlg- believe-n-miracles said...

I think you have done incredibly well. I tell my girls directly that I love them and ask God to hold them and comfort them, I know that they hear me.
Middle of the road is probably where we will be for a while, I am not sure if that will ever change.
A piece of us is gone and we will forever miss that piece. I am so proud of you and how you have shared your feelings and thoughts with all of us, you are loved by many.

Infertile Myrtle said...

I'm a lefty too! How weird is that???