Saturday, April 18, 2009

Should there be an end...until there's a new beginning?

I read another dbms blog a few months back and she asked herself a very poignant question in regards to how long a blog about her grieving process over the loss of her daughter could actually go on. I often find that very question going through my mind these days. I have found wonderful and loving support in the blogging land. I have found women in this blogging venture that I love and am thankful for everyday. At some point though, life does move on, but my life is at a standstill. I have learned things in the last 8 1/2 months that I never wanted to know, and have be ruminating on these lessons day in and day out. I continue to feel the same ache, although lessening, but don't know any other way that I can continue to articulate where I am in life in a different form that I haven't already. I wrote a post a few weeks back about the middle of the road and I guess that is where I am. My life continues to be one that feels surreal and dimmer since I lost Lily. How could one little life change every fiber of my own irrevocably? But, she has and there is nothing that can be done.

I plan to continue blogging as the urge pushes, because I feel so connected to all of you now...and, probably will blog more again as a new door opens for me and my family. I feel wordless on how to articulate this road that we're on...but, will update all of you once we are on a new one...


Lea said...

Oh Jen Jen, I know the feeling. Sometimes the feelings are so overwhelming that there are no words. The good thing is, you don't need to articulate to us... we just know. This unwanted journey we are all on is heart wrenching and unimaginable to most. I am sending you love and strength today and always.


Erica said...

Hugs to you... it's so very hard. I thought that after Angel's 1 year birthday/angelversary celebration I would feel 'better'. I honestly feel no different. I am still upset and hurt and angry over the entire thing. I feel that grief is a lifetime journey... I mean you do eventually come to acceptance, but can you ever 100% not hurt? Not feel upset over what happened? Not miss your sweet precious baby? Even with being pregnant again, I was dealing with feelings that I was cheating Angel in some way... that, she would think that I "moved on"... then someone pointed out to me... You wouldn't be pregnant now, if Angel didn't die... They are right- then they went on to tell me that Angel sacrificed herself for this new baby... UMMM...huh? That doesn't make sense to me. I understand what they are saying, but I no way feel, she just decided to leave on her own... I try hard to cling to the fact that there is a bigger reason in all losing our children... that God has a plan- to put it to good use...but thinking that way, doesn't take the pain away...Time heals...though the question is "how much time?"

Never forgetting Gregory said...

I have wondered the same thing thing as well as far as how long to keep blogging. It seems like the feelings I have to post about missing Gregory, are repeats of posts I have already made. I have decided, like you, to keep going. As new things happen in life, my feelings about Gregory's loss are still present and it has helped to continue to blog about my hurt and the new struggles I face as time moves on. You need to do what is best for you as Lily's mommy, but we are all here for you without time limits because we know there is no limit on time or strength of the pain you are suffering. Hugs.

Orluna said...

Write as you feel and see fit. What other people think and feel should always be secondary to what you intuitively know is right for you. Keep writing. It gets it out and helps perspective, as well as offers some sense of purging when you can't purge in other everyday occurrences.
Do what your heart and gut tells you to do... always.

love you,