Thursday, October 15, 2009

Today we remember our babies~

I felt so alone when I started this journey of being a dead baby mama but then I met a group of women on baby center on the second and third trimester loss group. I remember how "relieved," for a lack of a better word, to know that I wasn't alone on this journey. There is a group of you that I've been traveling this road with from the very beginning; Beth, Tamara, Hollie, Holly P., Holly (so many Holly's!), and Jessica. These are just the woman that are immediately brought to mind. And, I've been overwhelmed with the number of other dbms that I've met over the course of the last 14 months! Sadly, the titles on my blog list of baby loss blogs continues to grow. You can literally spend an entire day bouncing from one baby loss blog to another and the heartache of loss is universal. It doesn't matter how long ago that the baby died, religious differences, or what part of the world that you live in. A mommy's pain of losing a baby is something that you don't move on from and you feel a bond instantly with another dbm. I've hugged strangers when they've told me about their loss once they have found out about mine. There are no boundaries when it comes to shared grief.

I still belong to the second and third trimester loss group and check the board every other day to offer condolences to the new mommies. I remember how sad it was to leave my birth board to join a loss board. Those feelings overwhelm me as I type...I found so much love and support from the loss board and continued feeling the support through the ladies from that board who also started blogs and from all the other friends that I've made along the way. I've watched some of these woman go onto to have their rainbow babies, some are pregnant now, and some are still trying to have another baby. I feel so much pride when I see pics of their new babies and rejoice with them when they get their positive pregnancy tests and am disappointed with them when another month goes by with bad news.

Its a surreal feeling that my baby girl has been gone for 14 months and some days the tears fall as hard and as painful as they did the first day. I think of her everyday. As I listen to her brother's heartbeat three times a heart and mind goes back to the night that her heart stopped. As I feel her brother heart and mind goes back to the last time that I felt her move...She owns my heart but I know that she doesn't mind that I'm sharing my heart with her brother and I know that she looks over him everyday.

I light a candle tonight for my daughter and for all of her friends that play with her in heaven.

**I'm going outside by the hospital's fountain to light our candle because I'm pretty sure that's a no-no inside**


Anonymous said...

Jen, that is absolutely beautiful that you want to go outside of your hospital to light a candle. I will be lighting a candle for all of our babies tonight and I am also working on something else with Mike tonight. I'll be remembering Lily. Please stop by my blog either later on tonight or tomorrow morning.

I want to thank you for your support just after I lost Jonathan. As I may have said before you were one of the first to reach out to me and I believe it was you who told me about the
2nd/3rd trimester loss board after I had to leave the December birth board. Thank you so much! I am so grateful to you for that. *hugs*

Joshua said...

I will light a candle tonight for your Lily and your family. Your writing is remarkable, bringing tears to my eyes and tingling in my limbs. Losing a child that way is heartbreaking; I very nearly lost both my wife and son that way three months ago. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I know nothing that can be said can assuage the grief, and so I will not even try. Blessings to you for good health over the coming months.

AKD said...

This is just absolutely beautiful. It honors your baby Lily so beautifully. God bless.

Bluebird said...

Beautiful. Remembering all our babies with you.

Mrs. Mother said...

Remembering Lily tonight along with all of our other babies.

CeCe said...

I just started following your blog. I will be lighting a candle tonight for Lily and all of our babies.

Emi said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I accidentally stumbled across your blog, and was instantly caught up in it when I saw that your Angel Baby's name is Lily. We lost a baby girl to Trisomy 16 this July. We named her Lilly. Thank you for your encouraging words. Good luck with your new baby!

Emi said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I had a placenta abruption when I had my eight year old. Luckily it happened while I was in labor, and he was 38 weeks gestation. He ended up staying in the NICU for fourteen days due to complications from the abruption. We are lucky to have him.

If this is too personal, you don't have to answer. Why are you going to be losing your uterus when you deliver your baby? I was told I would have to lose mine (thanks to the tumor) when I had Maje, but thankfully I still have it.

Thanks for calling me Lilly's mom. I've never been called that, and I loved it! In case you're interested, her name was Lilly Mae. You're right. It is the sweetest name!