Sunday, August 2, 2009

August 3, 2008's early minutes...

By this time, we know that Lily isn't going to make it. My hubby is shaking my stomach and begging her not to go. I'm on my side and I look back at my hubby and my ob and tell them that I don't want to lose her, but the look of my doctor's face tells me that there is nothing that can be done. My hubby gets close to my stomach and tells Lily to go the the man named Jesus and He will take good care of her. He tells her how much we love her and that we will see her again. And, then her heartbeat is no longer detectable. In a matter of 30 minutes, we went from losing my appendix to losing our daughter.

I remember having the oxygen mask on and not being able to catch my breath. I remember my hubby coming to hug me and both of us sobbing. He leaves the room to call my family, close friends, and my boss. My life was forever changed on this date and I will never recover all the pieces of the old me.

She died at 12:30 AM and the day would prove to be a long one. All of the my health issues became the major focus, and grieving was put on the back burner. Some time during that day my uterus would rupture, causing pulmonary edema and a few hours from being DIC (very technical term, but the acronym means "death is coming"). I would end this day signing for a hysterectomy and being placed on a ventilator.

I didn't get a chance to grieve for days, but the grief has had variable strengths over the last year. Sometimes, I cry so hard that I don't want to breath again, other days, I wake up and feel peace and the new normal that has become my life.

I carried her for 22w4d, but I carry her in my heart and mind forever. I close my eyes and I can see her in my arms in her white dress with the cross on the front, wearing a purple hat, and looking so peaceful. I am thankful for the time that I did have her in my arms on earth, but I long for the day that we're reunited.

Lily,

You have touched my life in ways that are difficult for me to share with the world. I look forward to holding you in my arms again and whispering in your ear all the ways that I have loved you and missed you while you were gone. You are never more than a second away from any thought and the sound of your name brings joy to my heart. You are never forgotten and I love you with every fiber of my being.

Love,

Mommy

**It would be such an honor for me as Lily's mommy if you would light a candle tonight in her memory. I would love to see a pic of the lit candle and you can email it to me at jenfnolf@yahoo.com. Thank you!**

11 comments:

Hollie said...

Thinking of you today! Lily is forever smiling down on you and she knows, especially today, how much you love her!

*BIG HUGS*

Bree said...

I would love to light a candle in Lily's honor.

Thinking of you. I'm so sorry you had to endure all of that on top of losing Lily.

Emalee said...

I will light one for you! I hope you get your package today and not tomorrow! Much Love
Emalee

Brendan and Brenna's Mom said...

I already sent you a picture. I hope today is gentle on you.

Mrs. Mother said...

Thinking of you today. I will definitely light a candle for Lily.

Funsize said...

I found you through Holli of Living Without Brenna. I lost my baby boy to placental abruption too, his anniversary is coming up August 9th. I am so sorry of your loss. I will be lighting a candle in her memory tonight.

Big, big hugs.

Emily said...

Jen, I'm so sorry I missed this - I was out of town. But please know I was praying for you and all my other DBM friends while in PA. We will be thinking of you and your family today.

God, please give Lily an extra big hug from all of us down here missing her....

Beth said...

Oh Jen, I've been a bad friend. I'm so sorry I missed this and Lily's day yesterday. :( I know it is late, but I will light a candle for Lily tonight. She deserves to be remembered EVERY day, right? I hope yesterday was easy on you. I have been reading your other posts throughout the week and thinking of you and your sweet Lily.

I've told my husband all about Cooper's situation and we're both praying for you and thinking of you. When I originally told him about you I jokingly said something about you having a "broken uterus" so he now remembers you as my "friend with the broken uterus." I thought you and your sense of humor would appreciate that. :)

Bluebird said...

Honey, I'm so sorry. I'm getting to this late, but I've known this day was coming and you've been on my mind so much. I can't imagine the emotions that must have filled you, and continue to fill you, as you move through this anniversary that no parent should have to experience. You tell a heartbreaking story, but it's also beautiful because of the love of which you write. What a lucky, loved little girl. I'm so sorry she's not here with you now. ((Hugs))

Bree said...

Hey Jenn,
Wanted to let you know I moved my blog to butterflybaby15.blogspot.com. I had too many IRLs reading.

Summer said...

Reading your post made my heart hurt so bad. I know I'm a day late, and I'm sorry it's not the third, but I'm lighting a candle for Lily tonight. Thinking of you.