Saturday, August 29, 2009

22 weeks

Its unrealistic to not ever have something from my pregnancy to leak onto Lily's blog. I will continue to use Cooper's blog to journal my doctor's appointments and any news related to our upcoming addition to our family. This is Lily's blog and it will continue to be, but this week is different.

I am 22 weeks pregnant...and, I never completed this week with Lily. My emotions have been at an all time high this week. I always round up to 23 weeks when I talk about Lily dying for simplicity sake, but if I make it to next Saturday than I will be the most pregnant that I have ever been~ I remember the day we lost Lily like it happened yesterday. There are so many things that I wish I would have done differently that day. Would another doctor or hospital made the difference? Why didn't I spend more time with her? They brought her to me in a beautiful little dress and I often wonder why I didn't undress her so that I could see every beautiful detail that God created in her little body.

Things are going really good with my pregnancy with Cooper. I should be able to relax with some self-talk, but relaxation is nowhere in the horizon. I had a dream last night that we went to the hospital because I hadn't felt him move all day so they did an ultrasound and they are able to find his heartbeat...and, he is alright. I haven't had a dream yet that he doesn't make it but I have had dreams recently where I'm sure he's dead and have to be shown that he's alright. I woke up this morning wishing that Sept. 11th would hurry up and get here so that I'll be in the hospital and Cooper and I both will be monitored and Lord willing we both will make it home this time.

Creeping up to the time that I lost Lily is hard. I remember how every time she moved made me smile. I find myself doing the same thing with Cooper, which is natural, right? I wish I could hold some childlike faith that my pregnancy with Cooper won't end the same way that my pregnancy with Lily did...and, I'm trying everyday to be positive and to keep the faith that God wouldn't do this to me twice.

7 comments:

Trennia said...

(((HUGS)))

Elizabeth said...

thanks for stoping by my blog!

MendedHeart said...

All my love. It's been a while but I updated my blog. Praying for you always. Hugs

Jessica said...

Hello Jen, I know its been a while since we talked, but I saw that you had a blog about Lily and wanted to see how you were doing. I can imagine some of the anxieties you have, but keep your faith in God and he will take care of the rest. *hugs*

Bluebird said...

What a bittersweet milestone this will be.

Thinking of you, and cheering you on.

Jacquelyn, Trevor's Mama said...

Hi, my name is Jackie and I lost my son at 22 weeks 3 days. Exactly like your Lily. This world was graced with Trevor's presence for 22 short minutes before he went to be with Jesus. The fact that I stumbled across your blog, to me, is further proof of the God we know and love. I can't wait to join you on your blogMom journey. You can read all about me and my son at http://brokenangel1122.blogspot.com

I will be praying for you as you enter the dreaded week ahead. I can't say I completely understand how you're feeling as I've never gotten to 22 weeks since my son, but I can only imagine. God bless!

Leila's mommy said...

Congrats on passing the 22 week mark. i know you must be having a sigh of relief, but i can imagine the worry you must still have. i am thinking about you and your family and hope with all my heart that you will be able to bring little Cooper home with you.
oh, and that pic of your husband... priceless!
XO
christy