I don't know why I do it to myself~

I'm talking about those darn giving birth shows...

I've seen two different shows recently where there was a stillborn baby (both shows dealt with multiple births)that needed to be born which I was actually impressed with because Heaven forbid if we talk about the fact that not all pregnancies end up with pink or blue balloons on your mailbox and happiness jumping out your a-hole...Then they do stuff like the following...

Both of the births were c-sections and I'm totally assuming but I guess this is standard practice in higher multiple births. So, the first birth actually blurred out the dead baby...like blurred out like they do when a primetime show is showing nudity. The other show completely acted like the other baby didn't even come out as in completely moved to how much the live baby weighed and showed them ohhing and ahhing...

I was just so put out for the other baby! In fairness, I'm sure it's a crazy emotion to have one baby to come out screaming into the world and know that your other baby won't make a sound...it was just the total censuring of the other baby that peeved me...

It's like how I was made to feel weird for carrying pics of Lily in my wallet...or, how some people didn't bother to come to Lily's memorial...Why is it so weird for a dead baby to be shown to the world??? Babies die people...fact of life...it sucks but it happens everyday!

I love to show my daughter...ask me anytime of the day and I will pull out the pic of her in my wallet...actually, it would be my pleasure to show you because she's beautiful in everyway...

My neice had surgery yesterday so we went to go see her in the hospital (minor outpatient surgery but she's 8 so it was huge for her). I decided to go to the gift shop and get her a stuffed animal from Cooper but while I was there a book caught my attention, Naming the Child by Jenny Schroedel. I've seen plenty of self-help/motivational books related to the subject of miscarriage, stillbirth and infant death but a poem in the first few pages propelled me to buy it...and, I haven't been able to put it down. Sometimes, I am able to read a few pages stoically but some pages are read by eyes filled with tears. There are a few items from this book that I'd like to share but will start with the poem that brought the book from their shelf to my nightstand~

~Nobody knew you~

Nobody knew you

"Sorry about the miscarriage dear, but you couldn't have been very far along."

...existed.

Nobody knew you

"It's not as though you lost an actual person."

...were real.

Nobody knew you

"Well it probably wasn't a viable fetus. It's all for the best."

...were perfect.

Nobody knew you

"You can always have another!"

...were unique.

Nobody knew you

"You already have a beautiful child. Be happy!"

...were loved for yourself.

Nobody knew you

...but us

And we will always remember

...You

By Jan Cosby

I loved this because it incorporated those (normally well-meaning) but stupid cliches that people offer to us when we lose a baby. How many times have we screamed these responses in our hearts and minds when we received these ridiculous words of comfort? I know I have but have always smiled and nodded then changed the subject to safer territory...

I knew Lily's sweet presence from the very moment I knew of her existence...she's could never be anyone else other than Lily. No other name could've sufficed for my precious one...She was real, perfect, and unique...and, most importantly, irreplacable...

Lily has been gone for 22 months today. In a mere 60 days she will be gone for 2 years. To most people she is just a mere memory...to me she is a constant thought...

I remember the first days, weeks, months after she died I would wonder how I would feel after one year...been there and her absence was still a stabbing jab to every part of my being...now as her 2 year angelversary draws near the stabbing jab is still there...

My friend was telling me about a cute redheaded toddler girl the other day and the pang was still there...I think it was a combination of her being so close to Lily's age and the redhair...

I sobbed while watching the Real housewives of N.J. the other day as I watched Teresa throwing a diva party for Gia...I will never plan a happy birthday party for Lily...instead I'm already planning another memorial luncheon for my family...(anyone know where I can buy butterflies to release that won't cost me an arm and a leg?)

My question is the same today as it was 22 months ago...why me?

WHY!?!

I can't tell you how many memorial videos I've watched over the last 22 months made by grieving mother and fathers...I cry everytime...It doesn't matter that I don't know this family in real life but because I know THAT pain...that gut-wrenching, cry so hard that you can't breath pain..the pain that you don't know if you can survive it pain...AND, THEN I GET ANGRY...

Why do so many of us have to know this pain???? Why?!?

There are no answers for us down here...NONE...

Lily's lilies

We bought an Easter lily for Easter 2007...this lily is actually the reason we decided to name our daughter Lily if we were ever so lucky to be blessed with a daughter. I know for me, at least, I prayed that we would at least be pregnant by the following Easter...3 days after Easter 2008 is when we got our positive pregnancy test...

I just loved this lily so much that I planted it in our front patch of yard (we live in a townhouse!) and every May it pops up...I get so excited when the lilies start to bloom! I took these pics yesterday of Lily's lilies, as they are so affectionately called :)

I feel like she is so close by when her lilies bloom...just not close enough...Thank you for the beautiful flowers, my love...

Dear Lily,

Today, I sent up a balloon for you...it wasn't for any type of anniversary...it was a just because we miss you balloon. Also, I know you and Ella were celebrating her little sister's birth and all parties need balloons!

I miss you, honey. Yesterday, I held your sleeping brother on my chest and cried for you. I cried for all things that we never got a chance to do. I looked down and saw that one of my tears was rolling down Cooper's cheeks and it almost looked like he was crying, too. I think of you everyday...

I love you, baby...
Momma

Finally...

So, on a Baby.story there was a real couple with a pregnancy loss discussed...their first pregnancy was with twin boys that were born at 27 weeks (one was born stillborn and the other twin lived 12 days and died from an infection)...they discussed how scary it was to get pregnant again and how long the 9 months seemed to feel after losing their twin boys...the mom said one thing that really stuck with me "No one told me that babies could die..."

I thought to myself, "I knew that babies could die...I just didn't think that it would happen to me."

This couple did go on to have a girl (their first rainbow baby) and the episode was about the birth of their son (2nd rainbow baby)...and, honestly, these people were so much humbler than any other couple I've seen on this show because they truly understood how precious each life is and how your life can change in a heartbeat...