I went to buy a sympathy card today and was dismayed at what I saw...there were cards for the loss of your mother and father...the loss of a PET (now, I know they can become LIKE family...) but there wasn't one single card for the loss of a child...

So, I picked the sweetest generalized sympathy card that I could find...I'm sure there are cards that are specific to the loss of a child but should I really have to look that hard??? It's obvious that infants/children die everyday...

Or, is it still too hard for the average person to be confronted with that fact???

I found myself in tears last night as I looked at Lily's pics on my blog. There are days that I can look at them and smile but last night was one of those times that I cried...maybe, it was Mother's day...

And, I think honestly it was a mixture of sadness and guilt...because yesterday, I found myself being happy...

The happiness with Mother's day was a new emotion...and, it made me feel guilty because I truly went hours yesterday with easily being happy and purposely trying to avoid any unhappy thoughts about missing my Lily...

Lily has been gone for almost 2 years...I do go more days and sometimes weeks between cryfests...My heart feels like taking her memory box out of the safe...of holding her dress from the hospital in my hands and pressing it into my face...

Missing her this much makes me feel ungrateful sometimes...

All of these crappy emotions floating in my head just because I was happy...I tell myself that as long as I don't let Cooper see these emotions throughout the day and if I'm a good wife that it's fine to feel all this when I'm alone...

August 2, 2008 was the last day that I felt completely SANE...

I wish she was here...

Sometimes, I wish my mind back to that day so that I can remember the way her little fingers felt on my hands.

Most days, I hate myself for not kissing her cheeks...why, didn't I???? For not spending more time with her...

I miss her...

I hate how many "mommy's first mother's day" cards I received this year...as if Lily's job of making me a mommy never existed...

I love her with every beat of my heart...

Heartbroken and another prayer request

I belong to a Uterine Rupture group and a PAR (pregnancy after rupture) baby is always a source of excitement and joy...One of my dear friends, Nichole, was pregnant the same time that I was with Cooper...Her baby boy, Wyatt, who was 4 months old, died last night for causes yet to be determined. I'm in total shock and started to cry as soon as I read the e-mail...My stomach is sick and I don't know how I will fall asleep tonight...

So many doctors tell women with uterine ruptures to not have anymore babies (most of us, including Nichole, lost our babies during our ruptures) so when one of us defies the odds and brings home a baby...We all feel triumph...We cheer each other on...we hold each other up when we're feeling down...we're sisters in a faulty uterus sorority...

And, we feel heartbreak for each other when something devastating happens...is there anything more devastating then the death of a child...

Please, pray for this family in the next hours, days, and weeks to come...

You are my Sunshine

I sing this song a lot to Coop during the day and he especially loves it when I do a silly voice and have a dancing stuffed animal involved..but, I normally stay away from the second verse as I find it very depressing...the second verse (for those of you that don't know it)

The other night dear while I lay sleeping, I dreamt I held you in my arms, but when I woke dear I was mistaken, and hung my head and I cried...

How many times have you woken up from a dream about your baby...and, had the sad realization that it was all in your head? I've had a lot of dreams in the last nearly 2 years that I was sad to wake up from...happy to be given another day but sad to have to live it without my daughter...

So, I stay away from that verse and focus on the upbeat verse...with the feel good words that bring a smile to Cooper's face and that smile is what makes me happy when skies are gray...

Thinking of all of you and your sweet babies today~ Wishing all of you a peaceful day~

A gift from Lily to her friend's mommies~

Sunday is International Babylost Mother's Day so I wanted to do something for Lily's playmates up in Heaven...

I gave most of these out to my dear friends on facebook but here are the ones for those that I'm not fb friends with (just send me a friend request if you would like to be!) but wanted to make sure that you knew that I was thinking of your precious babies...


For Em and Desiree

For Julia

For Franchesca

For Holly

For Hollie

I sincerely hope that I didn't forget anyone's dear baby as I was doing all this while trying to take care of Cooper, too...I hope all of you feel peace on Sunday...

Love and hugs to all of you!

Jen