Monday, May 10, 2010

I found myself in tears last night as I looked at Lily's pics on my blog. There are days that I can look at them and smile but last night was one of those times that I cried...maybe, it was Mother's day...

And, I think honestly it was a mixture of sadness and guilt...because yesterday, I found myself being happy...

The happiness with Mother's day was a new emotion...and, it made me feel guilty because I truly went hours yesterday with easily being happy and purposely trying to avoid any unhappy thoughts about missing my Lily...

Lily has been gone for almost 2 years...I do go more days and sometimes weeks between cryfests...My heart feels like taking her memory box out of the safe...of holding her dress from the hospital in my hands and pressing it into my face...

Missing her this much makes me feel ungrateful sometimes...

All of these crappy emotions floating in my head just because I was happy...I tell myself that as long as I don't let Cooper see these emotions throughout the day and if I'm a good wife that it's fine to feel all this when I'm alone...

August 2, 2008 was the last day that I felt completely SANE...

7 comments:

Jill said...

I think Lily would want you to be happy on Mother's Day... xo

Trennia said...

(((HUGS)))

Jessica said...

Jen, you are not ungrateful...you miss your daughter...there is nothing wrong with that. *hugs* I wish Lily was with you physically.

Em said...

{{{hugs}}}

Bree said...

Thinking of you and Lily. xo

Jess said...

Thinking of you, Jen.
I think any emotions you feel are the right ones, whether happy or sad. Some days you will feel joy with your little boy, and it doesn't mean you miss Lily any less. She would want you to feel that. Other days, you will still feel so much sadness about not having her with you, and that doesn't make you ungrateful about Cooper. You are a great mommy to two beautiful children, and your emotions will reflect that without being disloyal to either of them. Hugs!!

Hollie said...

Big hugs hun!!! You have every right to feel the way you do right now - and even ten years from now.

We lost our children. There is no amount of happiness or joy - no matter where it comes from - that will ever take that pain away from us.

Just because the pain is easy on some days doesn't mean you don't miss or love Lily any less. And just because it's harder on other days doesn't mean that you're not grateful for Cooper.