March for Babies 2010

First, the weather was horrendous! Let me tell you that I woke up yesterday to thunder and lightening! My plan was to still go to the walk to turn in our donations and see where it went from there...we proceeded on with the walk with rain periodically coming at us from all directions. No worries about Cooper, he was all bundled up and had a raincover on his stroller and SLEPT almost the entire walk!

As we waited at the starting line there was one sentence in the speech that started my crying "we walk for children that will never know their brother or sister...." My heart broke not just for myself but for Cooper...

At one point, we stopped because Cooper needed to eat and have a diaper change (seriously, little man was a blow-out necessary when mommy's concentrating on not dying during this 5.5 mile walk???) and when we started back on our walk we saw that we were literally the LAST people in line...there were no other walkers to be seen...literally, one of the drink stations had already packed up their waters! (luckily, the bottom of Coop's stroller was loaded down with waters and carbs!) We marched on (although, I was tempted to take Mar.ta back and pretend that we finished the walk without even breaking a sweat!) and caught up with the group! It ended up taking us about two and a half hours to complete the walk but this included the diaper blow-out and feeding time for Cooper :)

It was a miracle to see other preemies being pushed in their strollers or being pulled in wagons. A lot of families had t-shirts made and carried little flags showing their preemies gestation and birthweight (I will be stealing this flag idea for next year!) and to see these babies healthy and thriving just shows you what a great cause the MARCH OF DIMES really is...I know, I count myself as one of the mommies that will be eternally grateful for their work in neonatal medicine...

On a sad note, my balloon was dead when I woke up on Saturday morning and the weather wouldn't have allowed it to go far anyways..so, instead when we finished the walk our entire group yelled "WE LOVE YOU, LILY!"

Here is just a few pics from our walk~

My neice, Madycait, with Cooper...can you see him under his stroller cover? :)

Lily's sign on Cooper's stroller

Just a pic to show you the unhappy sky!

Team Lily Angeline (next year, I'll have to modify or team name!)

Lily,

You're always missed and always loved beyond measure. I grieve that you and your brother won't grow up together...but, I promise that he will always know you. I talk about you all the time with him but I'll have a real talk with him about you when the time is right...until then, know that I think of you everyday...

My love never dies...a mommy loves forever,

Momma

Dearest Lily,

Tomorrow is the walk...will you be watching us? I've been thinking of you all day and I miss you so much! Cooper bought you some flowers today and they're right by your candle. Mommy bought you a pink balloon and I wrote you on note on it. I'm going to have everyone sign it and we're going to send it up to you when we cross the finish line...so keep an eye out for it tomorrow!

My heart aches everyday for you, my precious one. I love you with everything in me. My promise stays true...I won't ever let people forget about you!

My love forever, my beautiful firstborn...
Mommy

Then and Now

Remember, when you were a kid and you would daydream about being famous...maybe, even marrying a New Kid on the Block? I would just spend hours daydreaming about being the prettiest girl in school, winning Miss America, singing "One Moment in Time" by Whit.ney Houston in front of my entire school, and getting my first kiss from Jor.dan Kni.ght (I was a little obsessed with NKOTB)...

Now, I daydream about being an old (32! pleasantly plump) married lady with two kids...not just any two kids but the two that I gave birth to from my body...

The daydream entails any boring day with waking up with Lily and Cooper both here. Maybe, Lily has fruit for breakfast (she would be 16 months old now) and I would give Coop his bottle...maybe, we would be living in a house with a great big yard and heck, maybe we'd even have a puppy! I'd watch them play in the yard until it was time for a lunch and then a nap...we'd meet daddy at the front door when he got home from work...and, we'd eat dinner, the 4 of us, at the dining room table...we'd have bath time...get ready for bed...I would tuck them both into their beds but only after saying their prayers with them...

This daydream has all the possibilites of happening as much as me becoming Miss America...except, there weren't tears running down my face when I woke up from those...

I found this image while playing on the internet last night and I thought about the truth of the words as I went to bed. I sometimes wonder how the people in real life feel when I post something about Lily on face.book...some of my "friends" on face.book are the same people that would quickly change the subject if Lily's name were brought up in conversation. I do know that they NEVER comment so the avoidance is universal. I know I've seen minds wander when I talk with various people about both of my pregnancy experiences. In fairness, I do have a lot of wonderful people in my life that allow me to talk about Lily whenever I want and I know that they aren't "uncomfortable" with my daughter's life.

Becoming a mommy to a baby on Earth hasn't changed the fact that I have a baby in Heaven. I recently read a post on my birthboard that was religion focused. The girl came out and said "people who have lost a baby believe in God because it makes them feel better to believe that their baby is in heaven rather than the baby becoming nothing..." (this isn't verbatim but is close enough) I do believe in God and honestly I can't allow myself to believe that Lily isn't in Heaven. I honestly don't know how I would make it through this life if I didn't have a reunion in glory in my vision...

I made a sign for Cooper's stroller for the March of Dimes's March for Babies next weekend that says "My big sister lives in Heaven" with Lily's name, birthdate, and gestation...

Mommy will never forget, precious one...

I cannot coddle ungratefulness...

I've recently read some posts on my birthboard about how people are upset that their birthplans didn't work out how they intended them to...one yesterday has been weighing on my mind. Basically, the young lady complained about how she had wanted to do an unmedicated natural birth but ended having to have a c-section because she was having a placenta abruption. Seriously??? Why can't you just be grateful that your daughter didn't die... In the end, does it really matter how your baby makes it into the world as long as they're safe and ALIVE??? Most of the ladies responses were very "polictically correct" but I just wanted to scream "hey, get over yourself and be grateful!"

Ugh, I think that people sometimes need to accept that things aren't always going to work out just according to plan...Yeah, my plans didn't work out the way that I wanted them to either but you know what the difference is? You get to spend everyday with your daughter...You get to pick her up and kiss her everyday...

My daughter's ashes are on the bookcase in my room...

I cannot coddle ungratefulness...I cannot act all PC...screw your birth plan...Your daughter is ALIVE...

Sorry, getting off soapbox...And, maybe I'm being unfair because I am so bitter about why I had to lose my daughter...I really don't care what I had to do to bring her into this world...heck, I would be pregnant as long as I needed to...I would've given birth to her out of any orifice that I needed to...as long as she got to be here with me...

This is my blog so I'm not going to apologize for my feelings...again, I'm not in a PC mood...

Destructive behaviors

I was watching an old episode of Inter.vention last night and the episode was about this man who was an alcholic.  The poor guy had a rough upbringing which started his drinking but then him and his wife lost a baby.  I think the baby was born 2 or 3 months early and the baby died after 10 days due to an infection.  The death of his son sent this guy into a downwhirl spiral, of course, and what really got me was he kept saying "those eyes...those eyes..."  He was crying and holding his son's urn...of course, I was crying with him...

So, it made me evaluate myself and if there were an destructive behaviors that intensified after losing Lily...and, it occured to me that I've turned heavily to food since her death.  Literally, I've gained 40 pounds since I lost Lily (I can't even blame the pregnancy with Cooper as I'm down close to where I was when I got pregnant with him).  I even posted a pic of my weight on facebook to shame myself into losing weight...I've gained 4 pounds since that pic was taken which is why you haven't seen another weight pic in a while...All of my emotions now make me turn to food. 

I know that I don't want Cooper to see his mother unhealthy, emotionally or physically.  Logically, I feel like I should be less sad now, right?  People will look at say "you have a baby now!" But, emotionally, I still miss LILY everyday...which makes grabbing that bag of chips so much easier. 

I don't think Lily would want me to be unhealthy, either.  But, food calls me the same way that the bottle of whatever calls an alcholic.  How do I stop this destructive behavior?  I want to be here for my son.  I want to be able to play with him on the floor and not feel like a 90 year old woman getting off the floor...

20 months later and here I am...ugh, how do I stop?

March for Babies!

This is our second year doing the March of Dimes's March for Babies walk and we have been working very hard on our fundraising goals.  I'm always an overachiever when it comes to fundraising and this year is no exeption.  It's a wonderful cause and I know all preemie moms (and, moms of babies that didn't survive when they were born too early) hold the March of Dimes very close to their heart. 

We're a mere $220 short of our $1000 goal!  I start fundraising in February, though!  I would be so thankful if you would donate to our team if you haven't donated to a team already!  All you have to do is click on our March of Dimes button on the right and it will take you straight to our page. 

The pic on our button is of Cooper on the day that he was born!  Oh, how terrified I was when they told me that I was in labor at 31 weeks!  I had been in the hospital for 7 weeks already and the plan was to try to keep him in until 34 weeks.  They put me to sleep for the c-section and as I drifted off to sleep my last thought and prayer was "Please, Lord, let him be strong.  Please, let him live.  I live without Lily everyday, I can't outlive both of my babies..."

I woke up to hear that Cooper was doing beautifully.  His APGAR scores were 8 and 9.  He weighed 4 lbs.  and only required a c-pap to assist with his breathing.  He was so tiny.  The NICU staff was amazing and what they can do for preemies now just boggles my mind! 

I will participate in the March of Dimes's March for Babies every year to say "Thank you and keep up the good work!"