Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Destructive behaviors

I was watching an old episode of Inter.vention last night and the episode was about this man who was an alcholic.  The poor guy had a rough upbringing which started his drinking but then him and his wife lost a baby.  I think the baby was born 2 or 3 months early and the baby died after 10 days due to an infection.  The death of his son sent this guy into a downwhirl spiral, of course, and what really got me was he kept saying "those eyes...those eyes..."  He was crying and holding his son's urn...of course, I was crying with him...

So, it made me evaluate myself and if there were an destructive behaviors that intensified after losing Lily...and, it occured to me that I've turned heavily to food since her death.  Literally, I've gained 40 pounds since I lost Lily (I can't even blame the pregnancy with Cooper as I'm down close to where I was when I got pregnant with him).  I even posted a pic of my weight on facebook to shame myself into losing weight...I've gained 4 pounds since that pic was taken which is why you haven't seen another weight pic in a while...All of my emotions now make me turn to food. 

I know that I don't want Cooper to see his mother unhealthy, emotionally or physically.  Logically, I feel like I should be less sad now, right?  People will look at say "you have a baby now!" But, emotionally, I still miss LILY everyday...which makes grabbing that bag of chips so much easier. 

I don't think Lily would want me to be unhealthy, either.  But, food calls me the same way that the bottle of whatever calls an alcholic.  How do I stop this destructive behavior?  I want to be here for my son.  I want to be able to play with him on the floor and not feel like a 90 year old woman getting off the floor...

20 months later and here I am...ugh, how do I stop?

9 comments:

Jessica said...

grabbing that bag of chips is comforting. It brings you pleasure in a similar way that having Lily would. It doesn't mean that its the way we should grieve...I know its easier said then done, but maybe grab the treadmill instead of the chips?

Whatever you decide to do Jen, routing for you *hugs* You will miss Lily. You don't stop and I can't imagine you ever will.

Trennia said...

I too have put on weight since losing Emily,although I hate to admit it.I don't eat much though, I don't drink cokes,mostly water,skim milk,and tea.Please don't tell me it's my sweet tea, oh please don't...
Do you think it may have to do with the hystorectomy?
I don't know,but did you have a complete or partial?
I had a partial and I get awful cramps,pain,(I have cystic ovaries) but good grief all this pain I even had spotting for WHAT? WHAT for? I get all this pain for nothing now....how much more hurt and the weight issue it all just sucks!

The Blue Sparrow said...

I know what you mean, I am 20 pounds heavier than before I got preggers and I only gained 8 lbs during. Its after the losses that I've turned to food myself. I've started going on walks in the evenings with my mother to try to shed the lbs. P.S. I left you an award on my blog! *HUGS*

klarsen said...

I don't think people understand why they say you have another baby that this baby does not take the place of the one you lost. They are 2 different people. I think we all turn to things to comfort us in our loss. I think we need to find an acceptable alternative to that comfort. Example, maybe trade in the potato chips for something healthier? You still get to eat :) BIG HUGS xxx

Emalee said...

I have gained 40 pounds too since loosing Kenner! I feel like I need to loose the weight but I just can't bring myself to DO it!! I feel you girl I do

Marie W said...

I turned to food as well. I gained about 20 pounds after losing Alyssa-Joy. While pregnant with Evan I lost 15, but gained it back after he grew his wings.

I can also relate to the man and his grief. Sometimes turing to something we know is bad is the only way yo escape our overwhelming feelings. I in no way condone his choice of drug, but sadly, I understand. Food became my drug.

I comfort myself knowing it could be worse (you should too). 40 pounds is better than 400. With 40 pounds, the goal is much more attainable and short term. I now work out everyday. I take the group classes because I like the interaction better and I will be shamed into working out and giving it my all. The result? I lost 10 pounds so far.
Know that you are not alone. We all can work together to meet out goals.

AKD said...

Oh, honey, Cooper is an emormous blessing, but don't let people tell you that he should make the pain of losing Lily go away. You're her mother, and you care so much.

I'm thinking of you, and will offer all of the words of encouragement I can!!

Maggie said...

In a lot of ways, I understand why people would turn to food or alcohol after such a terrible loss. I can see how easy it could be. You'll never stop missing Lily. I think that's always going to be part of your life. Thinking of you. XO

Em said...

Ugh. Food is my "alcohol" too. Especially sweets. I lost 65 pounds (45 was pregnancy weight) after I had Maje and got all the way down to a size 4 (still had that post-baby gut, though). The size fours fit loosely and then I got pregnant and miscarried three times. Food brought me comfort and I packed on the weight. Before I got pregnant with Mingo, I was a size eight. I know that isn't huge, but it is just the fact that I turned to food for comfort and gave in to destructive behavior.

I'll join you on the weight loss journey in a few more months! Good luck! :)