Monday, June 6, 2011

It's a different type of grieving...

First, I mean no disrespect to those of you that have yet to have a rainbow baby. Second, I'm writing here instead of Cooper's blog because I don't ever want him to feel like he's not enough.

Really, I'm just now starting to grieve the loss of my childbearing ability. My mindset when I first found out about the hysterectomy when I was pregnant with Cooper was to not worry about it until later. My main concern was getting Cooper here safely. I guess the "later" is now.

I guess this is all coming about now because my rainbow baby is 19 months which is normally around the time when people start planning on adding another baby to the family. It seems that there are pregnancy announcements popping up everywhere these days and I don't want people to not include me in their happy news but inside, it hurts.

I know that there are some people that purposely only have one child and I wish that I could get my heart to that point. I'm warning those friends in real-life that read this blog that if you give me that "just be happy you're blessed with the one child" line, that I will go ape-sh*t on you. Anyone that truly knows me knows that I worship the ground that Cooper crawls on. He's the most precious person in the entire world to me. I can't imagine my life without him and I love him with every single breath that I take in and out. But, that doesn't take away the desire to have another baby.

I love the people that can pop out babies like there's no tomorrow giving the response "just adopt!" as if that's so easy. First, adoption takes a lot of money (try $25,000-$40,000) and that's just to get the baby in our house. Then, we get to start spending the money that "normal" people get to spend like health care costs, college fund, etc. I just want to be "normal", damn it.

Obviously, my body isn't made for having babies because I almost died having the first one and death was always a possibly in my second pregnancy after the placenta increta was discovered. My uterus was useless. I am not made for carrying babies. I wish God would just take that desire out of my heart.

So, I grieve for my first baby that I'll never know on earth and I grieve for all the babies that I'll never have the chance to know at all.

12 comments:

Trennia said...

(((HUGS)))
I wish I was there to just hug you and let you cry on my shoulder, I am so sorry my friend.
I know adoption is very costly and when you don't have the money and want another child so bad it hurts like crazy.I do have five living children and three in heaven and I wanted more children, but I can't and it hurts.I am so sorry, I think about you alot and pray for you and Cooper alot...my heart is hurting for you.

Becky said...

:( That's sad, wish I had more to day but that really stinks
Thinking of you...

Heather said...

:( :( :(

Beth said...

I'm so sorry Jen. :( I can only imagine how hard it must be. I have no magic words, but just know that I think of you often and I wish there was an easy answer for you. You are an amazing mother.

Sherri said...

I wish that there was some sort of parental adequacy form that people had to fill out, and then, if you passed... Baby! Just like that! ha. I know your desire for more children, and I'm trying not to think about the if I don't get pregnant this time scenario... this is our all or nothing attempt, and if it doesn't work out.. no more cycles. No more babies. That doesn't sit well in my heart either. It's so not fair that people who want and deserve children so bad, have so much trouble, while others.... well... we all know about that rant!
I'm praying you find peace....
Sending hugs!

AKD said...

Our situation is a little different (severe infertility), but it hurts so much to know your body can't do things you want it to do.

Ava's mummy said...

I have no words but I wanted to let you know that I am listening and sending all my love to you across the ocean. Wishing you much gentleness. Ax

Melissa said...

I am so sorry .... I wish it was different for you and I also wish adopting was not so expensive, so many kids out there and so many amazing parents..hugs

New Year Mum said...

My heart goes out to you... you are such a wonderful mother and I hope the opportunity to have another one comes your way somehow. Love to you always xoxo
{newyearmum2.blogspot.com}

Christy said...

I am so sorry, Jen. Grieving infertility is it's own nasty monster in itself, and it sucks. I would SO completely go ape sh*t on someone if they said "just be happy you have the one." Holy crap, people annoy me sometimes (and I know that was just a hypothetical-I can just see it happening and that part annoys me). I see your posts a lot of f.acebook and I just know it must be so hard when people are getting to that point of having their second rainbow babes and contemplating it and you must just want to scream (at least you have the choice, yo!). I'm so sorry. I wish it were different.
xx

Holly said...

It has to be so hard, Jen, b/c just the thought of not being able to have anymore children gets to me. It wouldn't be easy to accept. And people blurt out just adopt but it's not that easy! First, it is expensive and not a lot of people can come up w/ the money just like that. Plus, it can take time and it can fall thru. It's not a sure thing, sadly. I'm sure people have mentioned surrogacy too but that has its own set of potential problems too.
\
Just wish it could be easy for everyone out there.

brigette said...

Im so sorry mama... that has got to be so hard!! I wish it didnt have to be that way. You are such a great mama to cooper and lilly!! Much love always!!