Sunday, March 7, 2010

It's always there...

Somedays it feels like she's been gone forever and other days it seems like it was just yesterday. I think about her everyday and find myself thinking about the most pointless questions, what if we went to another hospital or why couldn't God had given me just another week so that the doctors would've tried to save her. I feel like I let her down everyday and I don't know how I'll ever forgive myself for failing her. People will tell you that its not your fault but oh, if it were that easy to believe. A new friend and I were talking about Lily the other day and she asked innocently if anything was wrong with Lily and that was why she died. How do you not internalize the guilt when you say that she was perfect but that your stupid body failed your child. I really wish I could've heard her cry just once but that also means that she would have died in my arms. I'm crying as I type these words. I just miss her and it doesn't seem to matter the time that goes by..."really" thinking about her always leads to tears.

Why me? Why anyone really? Do any of us really deserve this pain?

12 comments:

Jill said...

I am so sorry. I often find myself asking similar questions. I wish I could take away your pain. Missing Lily with you! xx

Maggie said...

So sorry. You are right. No matter how much time goes by, you will always miss Lily. Thinking of you! (((HUGS)))

Trennia said...

I often find myself asking why?
Sometimes I wonder if we don't know why, because maybe the answer is more difficult and would hurt us more.What if these little one's where born healthy, but died before they excepted Christ as their savior?...I don't know I'm just thinking out loud...you are right though it's always there...all the questions,what if's,and of course why?(((HUGS))) my friend.

Em said...

I am so sorry. {{{hugs}}}

Melissa said...

I am so sorry, I know I think many of the same thoughts often.

Angel's Mummy said...

I am so sorry. i too have all the same questions and what if's. I wish somehow we could lessen the pain but in reality i dont think we ever will... they are and forever will be our gorgeous precious wanted babyies. Hugs to you.
Angel's Mummy x
thebrighteststar.blogspot.com

Bluebird said...

"How do you not internalize the guilt when you say that she was perfect but that your stupid body failed your child. I really wish I could've heard her cry just once but that also means that she would have died in my arms."

I've spent this morning struggling with these exact same thoughts.

((Hugs))

電腦 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Julia said...

Be gentle with yourself. I know I have the same thoughts and feelings. ((HUGS))

Hollie said...

I'm right there with ya Jen. We all are. It's so hard, and it still takes your breath away. I think it always will.

No one deserves this pain, and I can't come to terms with why it has happened to some of the most amazing women I have ever met - whether it be online or in real life.

Jessica said...

I struggle with the what if's and if I had called the ob when this happened etc. Its so easy to do, but it will just eat you up. I am so sorry you are feeling this right now Jen. Sending you *hugs* Lily is not mad at you....she loves you. I know that doesn't take away the guilt, hope it brings you some comfort.

Never forgetting Gregory said...

The answer to that question is no. It isn't fair. I have had people tell me that "it must have been for the best" because "something must have been wrong". It is like a slap in the face as I correct them that, actually, my baby was completely perfect and healthy...it was my body that cut off his life supply. I hate it and still struggle with the "what ifs" as well. I'm thinking of Lily and you. Hugs.