Friday, March 12, 2010

I've been robbed...

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant with Lily and that she was kidnapped from my body.  I'm trying to make a police report that my daughter has been kidnapped but they just keep telling me that there isn't anything that they can do.  Their reasoning is that there isn't enough evidence to show that she existed....and, that the people that I'm accusing of kidnapping her have an alibi...

Do I even need to tell any one you how I felt when I opened my eyes this morning?  The only thing that made me feel better was that Cooper was cooing and laughing in his crib and I could hear it on the monitor.  This dream is very self explanatory...I still feel in my heart that I was robbed of my beautiful daughter.  The not enough evidence part was that she was only 23 weeks and hadn't reached viability yet...and, I still blame that stupid doctor and hospital for all their stupid mistakes that night.  I blame the doctors for the misdiagnosis and if the abruption could've been stopped if it had been seen earlier and the hospital for losing my blood which held up the doctors from making plans...those are just two of the mistakes that I care to open up about right now...I could go into how I blame all of them for my uterine rupture and for putting me on a ventilator for 2 days which kept me from meeting my dead daughter even longer...but then this post would never end.  I felt panic in the dream has I'm just trying to get people to believe me that she did exist...maybe, this comes from my fear that we're moving too far away from the time that she was alive inside of me...too far from the day that she died...

Some nights I pray to have a dream of meeting her in Heaven...of holding her and kissing her and being able to tell her how much we love her and miss her...maybe, tonight will be that night...

8 comments:

Jill said...

I sure hope that tonight is that night for you! xo

Trennia said...

Oh,Jen I'm so sorry.I too understand about all the mistakes,as there was many with my sweet baby girl Emily. Sending you lots of (((HUGS))) today my friend.

Em said...

Wishing you a happy dream tonight!
{{{hug}}}

Maggie said...

You are right. We have all been robbed of our babies. They should be here with us and they certainly did exist. I'm so sorry. I'm wishing you sweet dreams tonight! :)

The Blue Sparrow said...

I hate it when I have dreams like that. I know where they steam from too, but it doesnt make it any easier to bear them. *HUGS*

Jessica said...

*hugs* Jen I am so sorry you had that dream. Hoping for happy thoughts for you.

Hollie said...

**HUGS**

Things definiely get hader the longer we go without them, doesn't it? It's hard to imagine that it's going to be 2 years.

I know all too well about those dreams. They're awful. But, you will have absolutely beautiful ones too! I've dreamed a couple times of myself holding Cameron, and him looking into my eyes, an smiling at me. It's an amazing feeling, and I hope you get to experience it soon!! Lily will visit you soon! If not in your dreams, then in some way in our every day life.

春天來嚕 said...

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