Wednesday, February 3, 2010

A year and a half...

Lily has been gone for 18 months...a year and a half...6 months away from her second Heavenly birthday. I started this blog 21 days after she died...as a way to get my true emotions out into the world. I had to come here because I didn't feel as if the people in my life really cared about how I was feeling about my daughter's death, outside of my hubby, my sis and a few select friends. This post started it all...

I read a lot of baby loss blogs..some of them are blogs of mommies that I met in the very beginning and some of the blogs are new dbms in our community. I feel a slew of emotions when I start reading a new blog of a mommy that has recently lost a baby. I go from sympathy to protectiveness. I get mad for her when she writes about people ignoring her feelings and wanting her to get on with her life. I cry with her when she has those days when she doesn't know if she can go on another day. I, in turn, have a slew of emotions when I read the blogs of women that I "met" when I first lost Lily...they range from empathy to "thank God, I'm not crazy for still feeling this way..." But, I garnish a pearl of wisdom from every blog that I read and carry those nuggets with me every where and everyday...

So, how do I feel 18 months after experiencing the biggest loss that a mother can endure? I still cry once or twice a week (sometimes more....). A little redhead girl stops me in my tracks everytime (especially since Cooper has been born because he has the red hair that I always envisioned Lily having). Most days are easier to bear (again, Cooper helps with this) but there is still a big hole in my day that will never be filled...I should be chasing after a crawling baby girl right now...

I feel stronger though and some days even feel a sense of peace...but, there will never be a grasp of acceptance in my life for her absence. I loved her from the moment I knew that she was inside me and I love her with the same intensity today.

7 comments:

Maggie said...

I feel the same way when I'm reading these blogs. I'm glad we have them and I'm glad it helps us feel less alone. Thinking of you and Lily. Many hugs to you! XO

Trennia said...

(((hugs)))

Susan said...

Jen, I feel like I should copy, paste and save your post and put it on my blog in a year. I feel like I will be having many of the same feelings and thoughts. Hugs...

Leila's mommy said...

thinking of you and Lily.
((hugs))

Julia said...

I'm thinking of you tonight. I completely understand and am so thankful to have other mommies out there who understand what this feels like. It's a sisterhood and I'm not sure where I'd be today without you and other ladies who are brave enough to open up about our little ones. ((HUGS))

Em said...

I'm so sorry. {{{hug}}}

I'm also glad I found this support group. I wish none of us had to go through what we have; but it is nice to not be alone.

Bluebird said...

I think that's the thing people overlook - the thing that prevents them from understanding our loss -- we love. We loved truely and deeply, and we will continue to love. And when the object of your love is not present, you will always feel its absence.