Thursday, December 3, 2009

Will it always be this way?

Will December 3rd always be a day that stabs me in the heart when the alarm clock goes off? When will I be able to look at December 3rd as just any other day?

December 3, 2008 was Lily's due date...why should December 3, 2009 hurt so bad?

I should have a baby girl turning one but instead I still mourn for all the dreams that will never come true. I know my heart should be light because I have been blessed beyond words for the life of her little brother, my son...but, I continue to miss her deeply everyday.

Everything about Cooper reminds me of what I will never know about Lily. Her hair color, eye color, and temperate will always be a mystery to me. My dying question and when I meet God will be "why couldn't you have given me both of them?" Especially when you consider all the stories that you see on Nan.cy Gr.ace of people that kill their children and on a lighter degree of people that I know in real life that don't take care of their kids worth a crap. Why me? Why my baby?

December 3, 2009 I will get ready and drive to the hospital to love on and hold my rainbow baby and wish that Lily's death had never occured and we had never weathered that storm at all. I will hold him and tell him how much I love him and wish that those are words that Lily could have heard in my arms.

Please, don't take this post as if I am ungrateful for my son's life. Please, read these words as a mommy that just misses her daughter.

13 comments:

Emily said...

We never get to take these shoes off. We learn to live with the pinches and tightness until our feet actually conform to the shoe. That doesn't mean that, after a long time wearing them, we don't sometimes still feel the pain of them. I'm so glad you have Cooper to hold today as you remember his big sister. ((hugs))

Jessica said...

*hugs* One thing that the leader of the support group I am in reminded us about is that 5, 10, 20 and even 30 years from now we will have one moment that will remind us of our little ones and bring back that sadness. It is all completely normal.

I am so sorry you are feeling that today. *huge hugs*

AKD said...

Oh, none of us think you're being ungrateful. You're always going to mourn your beautiful Lily. I am so sorry that today is hurting - I hope holding Cooper helps today.

Lea said...

Jen,

Of course you miss Lily... you always, always will. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that or in admitting it.

Hug Cooper a little tighter today for all of us. Lily is shining down on you all.

xo

Marie W said...

I do not think you are ungrateful - you are simply a mom missing your baby and wondering why she is not here. Thinking of you.

Trennia said...

I don't think your ungreatful in no way.Each child is different and special in their own way and I know your Cooper will never take the place of your Lily.You love them both unconditionally just like I love all my children those here and those in heaven,.

ForeverElliot'sMommy said...

Hugs to you! I cannot even imagine.

Em said...

I'm so sorry! {{{hugs}}}

Never forgetting Gregory said...

Of course you are not ungrateful. We would never take it as such. I believe it will always hurt. =( I'm sorry Lily's special day is now and that it has tugged at your heart. Hugs.

Mirna said...

Big hugs to you Jen! No this is not being ungrateful... you miss her and like I have said before one learns to live without them over the years but one never ever forgets them or get over the fact that they should be right here with us. Some days will be better than others and when you have a bad day don't feel as if you are ungrateful. One day we will all be reunited.. and maybe understand in full. Love xx

Michelle said...

Totally get it. That's how I feel about December 2nd. I've been in a funk this week. People think I should be over it because I have my beautiful little rainbow baby girl, but I still want to know my Emma too. I'm sorry you can't be with Lily and know her as a chunky little one-year-old. It stinks. :(

Jess said...

I know it must be so hard right now the week of Lily's due date. It doesn't make you seem ungrateful for Cooper at all that you are missing her, and feeling those unanswered questions right now. You will always love both of them, and having him doesn't erase the sadness of her absence. Since I am pregnant, I sometimes feel guilty about feeling so much sadness about Eliana, when I should be feeling joyful about this baby. Then, when I am feeling happy, I start feeling guilty all over again for the opposite reason. Mommy guilt is something none of us can escape!:) I wanted to tell you, I made a Christmas ornament for Lily. If you want, you can e-mail your address to butteflyelli@yahoo.com, and I would love to send it to you. Hugs!

Karen said...

I am so sorry about Lily.

Cooper is so adorable.

Of course you miss, Lily. I have four other children and I will always miss Rebekah. And if God gives me anymore children, Rebekah will always be missed.

And I had a uterine rupture also with my fourth. Told not to get pregnant. Did. So, I am glad to meet someone else with that experience..