scars. Chuck and I began our journey to becoming parents in November 2006. We both just assumed that pregnancy would just happen. Every month I would pee on a ovulation stick and wouldn't DTD unless a dark line appeared. Month after month passed, and month after month led to disappointment. I've never especially enjoyed my period, but I loathed my period when we were trying to conceive. So, after a year of unsucesful mating (just sounds funny!), and one exploratory lapratomy we decided to go to a reproductive specialist. We have the best reproductive specialist in probably the entire southeast. So, step one he says "your right fallopian tube needs to be removed" and literally two weeks later I was a woman with only one fallopian tube. Losing my fallopian tube was sad, because I now knew my chances to become a mommy on my own dropped by 50%. So, now my scar count is up to 5. They are small scars because they were lapratomy scars, but because the surgeries were done by two different doctors the scars look different. One doc did horizontal cuts, and the other did vertical. Thanks for that guys. I found out I was pregnant the very next month after the tube came out. Wow! That damn tube has been screwing me for months! We had been trying to get pregnant for 17 months. I've never been happier than when I was pregnant with my daughter. I threw up everyday for almost my entire pregnancy, but I didn't care because I just knew we were going to have our sweet baby. The biggest scars I have are the ones that ocurred on August 3, 2008. The day Lily died. I had to have a c-section, so I have a 7 inch permanent scar to remind me everyday of how my poor baby was pulled from my body. But you know what~that scar doesn't bother me as much as the emotional scar that I carry around every second of everyday. My heart is scarred knowing that I won't see my Lily until I die. My heart is scarred knowing that there is no ending to this pain. My heart is scarred knowing that even though I don't want ANYTHING to happen in anyone's pregnancy, I'm not as giddy as I once would have been when somebody I know has a baby.
The literal scars on my stomach remind me of the trials that I had to go through to get pregnant, and to meet my daughter. The figurative scars are the ones that cannot be covered with clothes, or hidden with make-up. I'm a childless mommy covered with scars that will never fade.
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4 comments:
Oh, sweetheart... hugs and more hugs. You are one of the strongest people I know. And even though I wouldn't wish those scars on anyone... ANYONE. Those scars are now what now make you-YOU. Your strength, your compassion, your love, your anger, your views, your reactions, all of you. They tell a story, love, of what you (and your husband) have gone through. And that story is yours, his, lily's, and HIS. It is a story you have chosen to share here in the hopes of healing, yourself and others. And sweetheart, it's working. You have opened up and as painful, heart-wrenching, and horrible as it has been going through the process, from an outside perspective, you are healing even though the scars will always remain. But how you look at them will change. These are your battle scars... you went to battle. You waged a war... and now you are a warrior. Some battles you win, some you lose, but that doesn't affect your courage, bravery, passion,and strength of will. THOSE you wield everyday and people see it in your eyes, love.
All my thoughts and hopes
-E
Wow, that is beautiful in a sad way. I can see how your literal scars are both a painful reminder of what you lost but maybe also a visual reminder of your sweet Lily. Sometimes I feel like my whole experience with Ada never real happened; it's so surreal. At least with the scar you can remember that you really DO have a beautiful daughter and that you really DID get to meet her. I hope that makes sense.
Also, I like your sense of humor - "mating" made me laugh! :)
I don't have any physical scars from losing Jenna, but I told someone that if my emotional scars could become physical, I would be disfigured permanently.
My husband I tried for almost 2 years to get pregnant and now like you I have to live with both the physical scar across my abdomen from the baby I lost and the one in my heart. This post brought tears to my eyes
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