I want the pain!

I was reflecting on the day that Lily died. That's the only thing that happened that day in my opinion...yeah, I was really sick and almost died~ yada, yada, yada. I remember the drive on the way to the hospital and all the pain that I was in, and telling myself "is this labor? because it hurts like h@*l". So, I was very confused when I got to the hospital and I wasn't having any contractions. I remember the relieve that I felt when they told me that Lily was doing terrific, and that it wasn't the baby~ they were so sure that they removed the fetal heart monitor.

As it turns out~ a placenta abruption was brewing, and to follow was a catastrophic uterine rupture. The rupture is what is keeping me from having anymore babies. But, say that I do get pregnant again...a natural birth is not an option for me. The whole "can I or can't I" debate doesn't even pertain to me.

To have a baby out of my body is the only thing that matters to me, but I'm realistic. This whole "no" thing from the doctor has obviously been a hard thing for me to handle, hence all the recent posts. I'm even jealous knowing that I won't ever really experience childbirth. I had a c-section in the end due to how critically ill that I was, so I do have that battle scar to be proud of. I didn't even get to see Lily until 24 hours later when I finally got off the ventilator. So, I don't have the gooey baby memories. My daughter was unnaturally cool from being in the refrigerator.

I'm just so stuck right now. I'm happy for all the mommas that are getting pregnant after their losses, but I would be lying if I said that a tear or two doesn't slide down my cheek because I feel so alone.

Risks...

I desperately want to get pregnant again. I have dreams a few times a week that I'm pregnant again, and I'm all wrapped up in the excitement that comes with planning for a baby. I know that another baby will not erase the pain of losing Lily, but not being given the option to have another baby the "natural" way is very, very difficult. I would even be willing to put up with all the crap at the RE just to be able to have the possibility of carrying another baby in my body.

I know that I am having a pity party...but in all honesty~ I don't want to have to go through surrogacy or adoption to have a child in my home...I want to create another baby with my husband the same way that most people do. I hope no one ever has the feel the pain of a doctor looking you straight in the face and saying "NO". The rebellious part of me just wants to go for it, and if I die, well...that would suck for my husband and my family, but I would be in heaven with Lily. But, what if I don't and I make it through the pregnancy and have the cherished child that my hubby and I want more than anything?

I know people mean well when they try to pump me up about how great surrogacy and adoption will be, and they share all these wonderful stories of people they know that did the same thing...and I appreciate those stories. Most of those people have a couple of kids, and have no idea of the emotional pain and the physical yearning that I still feel everyday~ over the loss of Lily and my supposed inability to ever carry more babies.

Also, I have a useless uterus in my body, but I still get to enjoy periods every single month, is just the icing on the cake. My busted-a*@ uterus is not living up to its resume, and I still have to put up with all the crap that all the "fertiles" have to every month.

Heads would roll is all I have to say!

I wonder if any of you have read this story yet? I'm going to post the link so you guys can read the story as posted on the Drudgereport.com, but let me say this...I would own this hospital if I were the momma in this story! I'm furious for her...and also pissed b/c the repercussions for this hospital may depend on if the baby was stillborn or not, b/c stillborn babies aren't considered humans! Ugh!

I'm not going to get on a soap box right now, but here's the link and I would be interested in hearing your reactions to this story~

http://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/local/Garbage-Dump-Searched-for-Babys-Remains.html

Peaceful

My dh sent Lily's photos to a company that will touch up the photos of stillborn babies. A lot of people know about Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, but my dh found this company on the internet that does the same thing and will do two photos for free. We will probably do some more photos, because we are so pleased with how precious Lily looks in these photos. She looks like she's just taking a nap. The link for the company is www.babyangelpics.com.


I just miss her so much! Mommy loves you!

Sometimes questions don't have fair answers...

I'm going to talk about something that maybe a very touchy subject, but I won't use any names...and plus all of this is public record now.

In November, I was selected to be on a jury for a sexual molestation case. The whole case was nasuating, even more so because it was a case where the father had molested his 4 year old daughter. To top everything off~ the mom was also a little loopy. Really the kid should be adopted out in my opinion just because of some of the things that the mom was being accused of during the trial (marrying the father just to get a green card~stayed living with the father even after the little girl had made repeated accusations against the father...that type of stuff). The little girl didn't testify in court, but we watched a couple of the police interrogation tapes during the trial...it was heartwrenching to watch this little girl try to explain things that she should know nothing about.

Anyway, I saw this little girl and her mom at the mall today. I kinda wondered if I would recognize them if I ever saw them in town due to the fact that she lives within miles from my house. I know this because during the trial they brought up where the charges had occured several times.

It again makes me wonder about why God allows certain things to happen? Thankfully, it appears that this little girl is not outwardly traumatized by what happened to her. But parts of me wanted to say~"you don't deserve this beautiful child!" to this woman. She is such a darling little child, and she was running around and laughing with some other little girls. I wish I could just adopt this little girl...but it also makes me wonder why did he have to take my daughter if some the ones that are on earth are going to be mistreated?

I guess we are supposed to live in a questioning state about the going-ons of the world, and Lord knows that I am constantly puzzled by the condition of the world. Hopefully, He will grant me understanding of my questions when I return home.

Dreams rob me of my beauty sleep...

I had a couple of crazy dreams last night, but one of them has me wide awake at 7 AM on a Saturday...darn this stupid subconscious! I would never do to anyone in real life what I did in my dream...so I feel really guilty right now~ like this is my true heart and I just don't know it yet.

So, in my dream my hubby and I are on vacation (which sounds glorious right now). I meet this young woman, I'll say she was around 22 or so, who was gripping about being pregnant. She actually told me that she was around 12 weeks pregnant, so she was happy that maybe the rough part was almost over. I said to her "I wish someone had been this honest with me when I was pregnant, but sister the first trimester being over is nothing. Anything could happen and don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

Now, I would NEVER say this to anyone in real life, but in all actuality, I wish someone had said it to me. I was on cloud nine when week 14 hit when I was pregnant with Lily. I read all the stats on the likelihood of a successful live birth once the first trimester was over. I was just so naive. My ob-gyn was always so quick during all of my appointments, so I thought, well, okay I guess nothing really happens during this time of pregnancy. No one wants to burst the bubble of a pregnant lady, but I'm a hard facts kind of girl...and I would have appreciated knowing some of the things that could happen without having to read a million horror stories on the Internet just to educate myself. I carry some of the blame, because Lily was my first pregnancy and I was more into buying baby girl clothes.

But, I continue this cyclic system of deluding millions of pregnant woman into thinking that the first trimester is all you have to worry about...because I do the customary smile and congratulate everytime I'm told that someone is pregnant and then cross my fingers that she will never feel my pain.

Come on! How much can I take?

My dh and I just got back from a New Years party at one of our neighbor's house, and it was a little painful. There was a 2 year old, a 2 month old, and a pregnant girl~ now listen, I've promised myself that I would be easier on myself and allow my heart to move forward, but how much can one girl take?

I so wanted to be happy and laugh and enjoy myself, but in every corner of the house was a reminder of how different my life now is...I didn't get to complete my pregnancy, Lily will never be 2 months or 2 years old...

I'm wanting to start this year with a fresh and positive perspective, but found myself wanting to hide in the corners the very first day of the year!