Goodbye and good riddance 2008 and hello 2009!

So, I don't have to tell any of you that 2008 was not a good year for me, that goes without saying...

We went to bed last night at 9:30 and slept right through the countdown to 2009. I did manage to hear fireworks going off at 12:01 this morning, but quickly just rolled over to return to slumberland. I'm not normally one of those people that makes a big to-do about New Year's Eve~ well, at least since I've become a real grown-up that only has New Year's day off and must return to work on Friday...and I need my beautyrest, and noone likes me unless I've at least had 7 hours or more of good hard sleep. I did wake up this morning though with positive vibes that 2009 will be a better year than 2008. Its bittersweet though, because I would love to have Lily here to bring in the New Year, but I'm trying to grasp that somethings just cannot be changed. So, 2008 was the year that I said hello and bye to Lily. I have decided to no longer use "hello and goodbye" when describing the day that I saw Lily...because our seperation is only temporary and there was nothing good about that day.

So, here we go 2009~ I'm pumping you up as the year that will deliver, and I don't want to have to badmouth you to 2010, so don't let me down.

God bless and best wishes to all my blogging buddies!
JenJen

phantom kicks...

So, I'm wondering if I'm going to be looked at as if I'm loopy, but sometimes I still feel kicks in my tummy~ just like when I was pregnant with Lily. The kicks don't happen often, but they make my heart stop when they happen, because it seems as if it's one more of nature's cruel jokes. Like when my milk came in, but I didn't have a baby to feed.

I've always heard that people that have had limbs amputated will feel phantom pains. I suppose these phantom kicks are just maybe a mind-playing trick that happens when a baby leaves your body too soon? Or do all pregnant women feel this at the end of their pregnancies?

So many quesions! Not many answers...

A whisper in my ear & peace for my soul

I know God talks to you at unexpected times, but I didn't expect to feel His presence and hear His voice at the movies. I went to see "Seven Pounds" yesterday with my darling bestfriend of 23 years. For months my mind has been stuck on death, but this movie makes you think on how precious each heartbeat truly is...all of a sudden I felt God's peace flood over me. In such a way that I am still in awe. I can't put this moment into words, but I feel such a river of peace going through my soul. He has given me a renewed spirit, and a strength to carry on even if I still miss Lily. To be honest I have really been trying to give God the cold shoulder because I was mad at Him for allowing Lily to die...and to be honest I wasn't really sure that He cared that I wasn't talking to Him, but yesterday He showed His love to me in a special way that again I can't explain wholly, and this was a special moment in my relationship with Him.

I woke up this morning and went to church with so much excitement to learn and be with other believers. I haven't felt this way since Lily died. I'm no longer afraid of death, but I am convicted now on enjoying living now...and know that one day I will be with Him in glory, and will finally hug my daughter. Life is for the living~ and this must be done remarkably and abundantly.

Our first Christmas without Lily

If I said that I had not envisioned this day being entirely different than it turned out then I would be lying to you all. My excitement for Christmas time had returned to the days when I was a kid. All because we would have our Lily here with us. Her absence today was very hard for my husband and I as we watched all our nieces and nephew open their gifts. The same scene as last year and the year before that...yada yada yada...

My hubby and I are having our 3rd annual last Friday party tomorrow (the last Friday of the year just happened to be the day after Christmas this year, so next year it will have to be called something else entirely). I bought a beautiful cana lily plant to go next to her picture to honour Lily during the party. I am also going to keep a candle lit during the entire party. Lily is a member of this family and I will not act like she never existed. There is a very beautiful photo of Lily on the table in our foyer, and I expressed to my hubby that the picture would not be moved under any circumstance when we decided to proceed with the annual party. Sure, a picture of our dead baby isn't exactly the "socially appropriate" photo, but it's a photo of our child nevertheless.

So, I'm ready for this year to be over, and its not even because I have this well of hope that next year will be better...this year was just the worst year of my life, and I figure that it can't get any worse.

Falalala....You know what?! Bah Humbug!

I'm trying so hard to be in the Christmas spirit. My hubby and I went to see our neices in their Christmas play at their church. I've put up the Christmas decorations, bought and wrapped the gifts, put the Christmas cards in the mail. I'm actually ahead of the game as far as that goes, but I'm just not feeling the real reason for the season. I was in church every Sunday and most Wednesdays before Lily died, and I'm sad to admit that I can almost count on one hand how many times I've been to church since losing her. I feel like God loves me, and I still love Him...I'm just so cotton-picking mad at Him for allowing this to happen to me. I'm grateful for all the other things that He has given me in life...but I would almost give all those other things up to have Lily. I say almost because I need my health to be here to take care of her, and my hubby to help raise her, but the material possessions- take em. The job- give it to some other crazy work-acholic...

I just feel like my spirit is miles away from my body...and I'm too mad right now to want to work on things. Pray for me guys, because right now I'm becoming a very bitter infertile.

I've been called a lot of things, but...

Mommy isn't one of them. We were at Atlanta Bread Company eating dinner the other night and I noticed a table of a mom, dad, and a baby that was about a year old when we were going up to order. The little girl was really cute, and of course this instantly made me sad because I will never know what Lily would have looked like as a one-year old (or any age for that matter, and I don't know what she will look like in heaven).

As dinner progressed the little girl did start getting a little noisy, yelling and carrying on, and her daddy was trying to calm her down. Then the little girl started crying and saying "mommy, mommy" with this pathetic little whimper. I started crying with her, because I'm so dying to hear those words, no matter if they are said with a joyful voice or a mad voice...I just want to be mommy.

A childless mommy is not what I want to be...I want to wake up in the middle of the night to feed them or ease them of their fears. I want to wipe away their tears when they're sad, and to laugh with them when they're happy. I'm not looking to have a house full of kids, which is a blessing, but I just want to be a mommy to at least one (living) child. Is that really so much to ask?

Is it official?

I feel like I've losing my mind! Those of you who know me personally may be thinking "what took you so long to figure it out?" but maybe I do need to get some counseling. Here's the reason: Every other night for like the last 3 weeks I have had a dream that someone I love has died. I'm not going to list the names of the deceased in my dreams because I'm not psychic and don't want people rushing out to increase their life insurance policies. I know these dreams are coming from the fear of losing the ones I love, because of how heartbroken I am over the death of Lily. I just want the dreams to stop because I wake up all upset and weird-ed out. But I will tell you that I normally am extra nice to the person following a dream. So, if I buy your lunch or hug you too many times, well, you probably made the death-dream list.

The dream I had last night is especially upseting because if this person died in real life...I would absouletly give up on life. The world has lost a lot of meaning for me (especially in the last few months) but losing this person would throw me right off a cliff. I love this person with every fiber of my soul and will every day of their lives unconditionally~ so, this dream has me really freaked out.

Whether this is normal going through the grieving process or not- I want it to stop, because sleeping is for rest and I don't feel as if I'm getting any...rest that is :)