Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Time traveling

My hubby and I watched The Time Traveler's Wife last night and we both were kinda sad after watching the movie. First, the little girl in the movie was kinda how we picture Lily being as a little girl. Secondly, I started thinking about how I wish I could go back in time to the day that I held Lily BUT do I really, really mean that...

Yeah, I would love to go back to that day and really study every little piece of her. I'll always be mad at myself for not looking at her ears.

But, you have to take the good with the bad if I went back to that time. I found it hard to breathe in those early days, weeks and months after losing Lily. I would crawl into a ball and just wail until I had to gasp for air. I hated being in public and I truly hated pregnant women and poor innocent babies. I wasn't me.

It's gotten easier to live as the years without her have gone by but my world still isn't the same. I still cry but normally it's very brief. I still long for the daughter that I lost but the longing doesn't make me immobile anymore.

So, I wish I could go back for just a few hours but no more so that I could do all the things with her that I regret not doing but I don't want to have to re-live all of those dark moments again. I guess you can't have it both ways, now can you?

10 comments:

Jessica said...

Sometimes I could just go back and enjoy the little time I had with him. I would never want to revisit that dark place. *hugs*

heathermohr said...

I've thought this same thing over and over. I would so love to get to hold Madelyn again, but I don't know if my heart could go through letting her go again.

xoxo

Trennia said...

I've thought about that alot.I prob. would not have had an autopsy so I could have held her at the funeral.My mind drifts back but I don't think my heart could stand the hurt again.

Sherri said...

There are so many things I wish I could have done differently. Some I would have had control over.. others not. But I don't know.. I would love more time, even just a little bit.....

Lisette said...

How I wish we were able to go back just for a second. Sending you many ((HUGS))

Becky said...

I was in so much shock and then also so drugged up from the c-section I couldn't even hold Liam, he just laid on my chest. I'd give anything to have the chance to hold him and kiss him and study his little body.
I was happy at the time to have an autopsy to find out what happened to him but really regretted it at the funeral when I couldn't see him

New Year Mum said...

I also wish that I could have my hours with Gabrielle over again... but never want to go through the weeks and months after her passing again. Wish we could have it both ways. Love always xoxo

Maggie said...

I understand what you mean so well. I would never want to relive the pain and dark moments, but I would love to hold her again just for a moment. XO

AKD said...

I was actually thinking about this just yesterday! If I were forced to go back and either redo everything just as it was, or erase it and never get Maddie, I of course would redo it. However, it breaks my heart to think about letting her go again.

Holly said...

Gosh, I know I wish I could go back many times!s