Tuesday, March 1, 2011

My 300th post!

I'm an avid reader and really, there isn't any point where the question "what are you reading right now" would ever result in the answer "nothing". One of my favorite authors is Diana Gabaldon who is best known for her Outlander series. I came onto the Outlander series a little late in the game but have been totally obsessed since the first book. I seriously tried adding the names Jamie and Claire onto the baby names list both times that we were pregnant but my hubby wasn't buying into them (although, to be fair we do have a niece named Claire and one of my hubby's best buds is named Jamie so those names do kinda hit close to home!). A really quick summary of the series is that Claire was from the 20th century and she gets transported back in time to 18th century Scotland. She falls in love with a Scottish Highlander warrior and they survive adventure after adventure...So, really you get a historical novel, sci-fi, romance and mystery all wrapped in together in this series. Seriously, people, it doesn't get much better than this!

So, in the second book, Claire gives birth to a stillborn daughter named Faith and I'm no idiot, I know that this (even though Claire isn't a real person) fact gives me an emotional connection to her and these books. She does go on to have another daughter with Jamie but she always loves and misses Faith. I was reading this morning and she gives a line in the book that perfectly summarizes the emotions of losing a baby in utero:

"And yet I knew Faith to the last atom of her being; there was a hole in my heart that fit her shape exactly."

Now, she's recalling this love of her daughter, Faith, 20+ years after her death. My Lily ticker to the left tells me that Lily has been gone for 2 years, 6 months, 3 weeks, and 5 days. I'm sure most of my friends (even though they would never dare admit it because they're sweeties) are kinda tired of hearing about Lily. I've gone past that acceptable timetable of grief for a person that I was never graced to really live my life with...

But, my heart still knows everything about those 23 weeks together. My heart still knows about all the dreams and plans that I had for our lives together. My heart mourns for the experiences that we'll never share. How do you ever let go of the love for a human being that lived inside of your body? Your heart, your womb...they never forget.

There will always be a hole in my heart. No amount of time or other children will ever heal that hole. I live and I love today without issue but that hole will always be open...

8 comments:

Trennia said...

I never get tried of hearing about your sweet Lily, I love reading about her, your dreams you had for her.
It helps me to know alittle about my Emily's friend(s)...(((HUGS)))
and if ever you need to talk, vent etc I'm here.

Jessica said...

Love hearing about Lily!! Those who haven't lost don't understand, but we will always be here to hear about Lily. Love to you and Lily both!!

Sherri said...

Love Love Love the Outlander Series.. I've read the first one five times, and the series through almost three times! They are the only books that I have been able to read and reread without really tiring of! Believe it or not, I had actually thought of Claire and Faith not that long ago...(a little wierd I know... but I feel almost like she's a real person, not a fictional character!)
Anyway, like Trennia said, I love reading your blogs as well, happy, sad, angry, we all need to vent, and probably will for long into the future. It's nice to know that when the 'real' world wants us to move on, there's a place we can go to remember, and be welcome!

Maggie said...

I never tire of hearing about your Lily either. You'll always miss her, no matter what. XO

Melissa said...

♥ Lily ♥

AKD said...

<3 you and Lily always.

Becky said...

I have never read that series but I really like that line from the one book. I know there's that hole in my heart. You loved your Lily and so you will never forget

Sarita Boyette said...

Jen, I never tire of hearing about your Lily. And you do such sweet things in her name. I can attest to the fact that as long as we have memory, we don't forget our babies. My Mother died at age 94, remembering her Janet Susan. Meredith is 36 years gone. I will never forget her. xoxo