Friday, November 13, 2009

I'm not over her...

I think it goes without saying (unless you've experienced a loss) that people assume that a new baby fixing everything. That a new baby makes you forget the one that you've lost but that isn't the case.

I spent the whole day at the hospital with Cooper but came home and held onto Lily bear and cried. I feel blessed beyond belief to be Cooper's mommy but my heart aches that I never heard her cry, saw her face change expressions, or felt her wiggle as she slept on my chest.

I don't think I'll ever be at a point in life where I'll be at peace that Lily isn't here. I'll never be at a place where I don't tell people that Cooper is my second child. Cooper is my pride and joy but Lily holds a very dear place in my heart that can never be removed.

I love her. I still miss her. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her without love and yearning.

She's my firstborn and my beloved daughter. And, you never get over that...

10 comments:

Jessica said...

Jen *hugs* Its perfectly understandable that you aren't over Lily. No one expects you to be in this community. People make assumptions because they don't know any better. I am sure Cooper will know about his beautiful older sister one day as well.

Bluebird said...

No, you don't. And perhaps the saddest part is that people expect us to. ((Hugs)) honey.

AKD said...

I'm sorry that you have to face this, that any of us do. You've got two babies, forever and ever. Hugs.

Em said...

{{{hugs}}}
I am sorry you are hurting. In a way I feel like I have betrayed my Lilly by getting pregnant again; but like you; she'll always hold a special place in my heart.

Mirna said...

Jen, a big hug for you. I still recall all the days when I took my rainbow babies home.... I cried oceans. I was engulfed by 'what could have been's'... it just broke my heart to think how much I have missed out. Just let it flow ... because our Angels are only a heartbeat away. Lots of love and hugs xxxx

Mrs. Mother said...

You're right. You don't get over that. Ever. Big hugs to you.

Hollie said...

I'm right there with you girl! Allie is going on 4 months old, and I still cry a lot. It's nothing we will ever "be over".

Our babies are just that - OUR BABIES! They were here, even if it were only for a little while. That doesn't change the fact that we are mommies to our children here on Earth and to our little angels in Heaven.

I can't fathom how anyone would expect a mother to ever "get over" the loss of a child! But, then again, if you haven't experienced it, you have no idea. It's blissful ignorance.

*HUGS*

Susan said...

Big hugs, Jen. Wishing you tons of hugs and lots of strength.

Wendy said...

Sending hugs and prayers you way! Thanks for your honesty from those of us trying to conceive again, knowing that no child will ever replace our angel but hope for loving another one!

Never forgetting Gregory said...

I agree. It does seem like people seem to forget and expect you to forget all about your loss when you have a new baby. I know you are thankful for Cooper, while still missing Lily. The feelings can occur simultaneously. Hugs.